My prolouge of diary entires for a sci-fi novel. Comments?

[Quzo]

Hi am new here. I litruly (can never spell that word!) just got an invite. Anyway I wanted to get started right away so here it is: (I did post this in the fourm the other day but got no replies)

In the past my prologue writing has not been great but this time I have not rushed things. I've chosen a series of diary entries as an intro duction to my sc-fi novel, apprently this is good? I've defetnatly tended to rush things in the past and thta has lead things I do to be lack lusters with lost of spelling mistakes from fast typing.

To put things into prospective: (17th, 18th and 19th October 1995 Earth time respectively) though the majority of the novel will be set in the near future.

Entry 517: The Great City of Fessovia, Festo home system.

The experiment was a success. The laboratory atmosphere had lit up as our excited faces showed so vividly our pride in what we had achieved. A being - with DNA of our emperor - a true shape-shifting marvel like the dear man himself. A mere grey soul, with two short arms and legs; yet I know he is destined for greatness…I'm certain of it!

It is surprising how he entrusted me, of all people, to oversee the sheer genius of these most talented of scientists. I'm thrilled. After the incubation was complete, I took a few short moments and some deep breaths out of the laboratory, away from the party scene, in the dimly lit empty corridor outside to gaze towards the great city below. I feel we have achieved a great milestone. Soon the time will come when our dear Emperor will be frail and weak and that is when the one true destiny of this baby boy will be revealed. Eventually our creation will learn to reign over all of the mighty Festo Empire!

Entry 518: The (not so) Great City of Fessovia, Festo home system.

Despite the initial excitement yesterday I'm starting to have my doubts about the whole project. Our memories have been stunned into remembering the emperors darkness. He himself has just ordered the torturing of some more prominent dissidents that have been recently captured and he wants us to be watching it (as with everyone else). They will be flogged by him personally on live television, which is broadcast all over the empire, as an example to us all. Then, if that wasn't enough, they will afterwards be subjected to brain washing, with them being hung, drawn and quartered as the finale if the brain washing doesn’t work.

I didn't used to care. Now I do. It’s because we have been so explicitly reminded of the monster our creation might grow into. Will this new ‘son’ of his grow up to be evil? He wanted us to create the perfect son. Perfect son equals perfect nightmare? That's a terrible thought. If anyone in authority finds out about my dairy I'll be killed for sure. Can't let that happen; especially as the day of the highly publicized torture ceremony is tomorrow - I defenatly do not want to be joining them.

Entry 519: The disgusting City of Fessovia, Festo home system.

Me and the fellow team members sat around the television provided in the room adjoining the laboratory to watch the torture take place - live; as instructed by the forces that be. Good thing the baby was fast asleep at the time, because that was certainly not viewing for minors. The way the blood, sweat and tears dripped from those poor men as the emperor lashed at them with his wicked whip. How could someone do such a thing?

So it is on that very note, that we have decided to halt the project, unbenounced to emperor, and send the baby to a planet unknown to most Festo - where we believe intelligent life exists. After all we were the ones who secretly deciphered radio signals from there right under the emperor’s nose. It was a strange thing that took us months to decrypt. If I remember it correctly, it had a list of elements that make DNA, a picture reference to the aliens and a planetary system of some sort.* Anyway, it's good to know that none of my team seems to fear that the emperor once joked 'if only there was a pain worse than death' or more importantly, that any are against the sudden decision. Hopefully, no one will report back to the emperor about my misgivings and just maybe, someone will be framed or it will buy me sometime to find some scapegoats.

I do not want any episodes to be repeated, so tonight is the night. We are not taking any chances. This is the last straw for us. We will launch a self sufficient pod from our rooftop launcher. It will have everything the baby needs to maintain a cryogenic state until he reaches the given coordinates. Hopefully, the thick city smog will be of some use to us for once. I don't care that the emperor is visiting next week; we will all die as the martyrs who were attempting to bend destiny if we are found out!

So it is with unmatched regret, that I will be leaving this, my diary, and a note, warning of my emperor in the pod for whomever shall find it. It is all in the hope that it does not fall into the wrong hands: for we have created something powerful!


*A referance to the 'The Arecibo Message': http://www.physics.utah.edu/~cassiday/p1080/lec06.html

* If you are interested in viewing my art area submissions they can be found here: http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/gallery/?uid=11198478 (for some strange reason it still show my deleted posts even though you cannot access them)

The first few paragraphs are very important. Be honest with me. Would you keep on reading? Major crituque is ok since I don't think very highly of my works anyway.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Welcome, Quzo. As you are new here, I shall make a friendly reminder - yes, you note that you type hastily, and with a penchant for mistake, but even if this is true, we ask that you please obviate this predilection; the Readers' and Writers' guild prides itself on proper grammar and spelling as a mature trope in which to write and converse.

Also, you may have noted that this sub-forum is labeled "sci-fi/fantasy", however, all original work should be posted to either the writing or poetry subforum, as is fitting (moved).

I shall have time to read through this comprehensively later this jour, as I am momentarily to be in transit.

I anticipate that you shall enjoy the guild!  

[Fiat Lux Aeterna]

This sounds like 1984 crossed with Dragonball Z. Kinda cool. The only thing I don't really like about it (besides a few spelling and grammatical mistakes), is probably just how similar it sounds to 1984, but then how you've rushed it. Three entries, and we've already gone from great to (not so) great to disgusting? Unless this prologue and the characters in it are entirely avoided in the actual work (eg. the entire work itself is only the narration of the child on the planet, or whether he makes it, etc.), I would chill off on making it so ugly so quickly. Give us a chance to set up some emotions before you knock them over - the fall is bigger and more affecting that way.

But no, when will more of this be put up?  

[Quzo]

Fiat Lux Aeterna

This sounds like 1984 crossed with Dragonball Z. Kinda cool. The only thing I don't really like about it (besides a few spelling and grammatical mistakes), is probably just how similar it sounds to 1984, but then how you've rushed it. Three entries, and we've already gone from great to (not so) great to disgusting? Unless this prologue and the characters in it are entirely avoided in the actual work (eg. the entire work itself is only the narration of the child on the planet, or whether he makes it, etc.), I would chill off on making it so ugly so quickly. Give us a chance to set up some emotions before you knock them over - the fall is bigger and more affecting that way.

But no, when will more of this be put up?

I really enjoyed Dragonball Z and can I just say, I have never heard of '1984' before so techinally I am not intending to make it similar. As for the actual diary entires, I am considering merging them into 2 and getting rid of the captions saying when it was written.

But yes. The characters in the prolouge are killed off. Throughout the rest of the story they are only mentioned as somone else who appears later gives their version of events.