Love From Afar

[cinnimoroll_yumyum]

Van sat in class doodling absentmindedly in his paper, on which he was supposed to be taking notes. His eyes were blank as he stared up at Mr. Pelmo, the teacher. His face was leaning on his free hand, his mouth slightly agape and drool slowly creeping out of the corner of his lips.
The bell rang, jerking Van out of his stupor.
"Ugnh," he said, startled by the sudden noise. A girl giggled at him and swept out of the room. Sighing and wiping the drool of his cheek, Van gathered his stuff and strolled out.
"Late again Van!" snapped Mrs. Azula, Van's science teacher, "Sit! If you're tardy again I will put you in detention for a week! And you had better stay awake today!"
"Yes ma'am," mumbled Van slamming his stuff down on his desk and plopping down on the hard seat. Mrs. Azula spared him another dirty look before turning off the lights; apparently, they were watching a video.
"Now, today we will be continuing with the video," she announced, "I don't want any of you falling asleep, or you'll all be reading this out of the textbook and handing in three pages of notes." She glared at Van. He stared back. Shaking her head, Mrs. Azula sat back down as the movie began.
Ugh, though Van, So many better things I could be doing right now. Like....like....
His thoughts turned to her again. She was the definition of beauty. Lenna. She had beautiful black hair, shiny and soft looking. She was tall, but not overly tall; just right. Her eyes were a deep hazel, with long curling lashes. Her lips were full and often curved in a sweet smile that melted his heart. He didn't care if it sounded gay; it was true.
He had never really talked to her before. He wished with all his heart that he could, but he was far too nervous. Why he liked her, he didn't know. After all he didn't really know her. But all the days he watched her, longing to be one of her many friends, he had saw her smile, her laughs, and her devotion to her friends. He fell for that as well as her looks. Sometimes he would see her alone though; walking with her head cast down and cringing when people past too closely by her. Her dark hair shielded her face, as she walked from class to class, often clutching a book in her thin hands.
Those were the times where he most wanted to approach her. She seemed so sad at those times. He wanted to walk her to her classes and talk and laugh and jokee with her. But her knew he could not. He simply did not have the courage. Many times he would say to himself, Today's the day. Today's the day I'm going to talk to her., but he never did. He would make excuses for himself everytime her failed, but each excuse seemed feebler and feebler to him.
He told himself that he didn't mind admiring her from afar. That should be enough for him, along with the few times she had talked to him. He treasured those words. He burned them into his memory, and each time he repeated her words to himself, a golden bubble of happiness seemed to well in his chest.
Van knew people would think him weird; why would you like someone you hardly even know? He had no answer to the question, but he couldn't help himself. She had captured his heart and until she gave it back, there was nothing to do but moon over her helplessly. He doubted she would ever like him, even if he was, as many girls before had said, "hot".
He was about 5'9, with brown hair that always seemed to fall slightly over his eyes no matter how many times he brushed it away. He had a nice build; he was thin, but not really skinny. He wore skinny jeans a lot. He let them sag slightly, and usually either wore Converse, Vans, or DCs. He had long slender fingers and a bit of a crooked nose, though it was almost unnoticable. His eyes were a dark blue, and long, almost feminine lashes (though not quite).
Even with his looks, (though he didn't think too much of them himself) Van was quite sure Lenna would never fall for him. He would have to be content with stolen glances and daydreams. Sighing, Van scooped up his belongings and headed out the door as the bell rang loudly throughout the school.  

[Kasi Karra]

Hello and Welcome blaugh

I thought your story was interesting. I think you've got a great idea, but you haven't reread your story and that leads to a few tripping over your own idea parts. My suggestion would be to reread your work to yourself (or a teddy bear smile ) aloud once or twice.
You're story also reminded me a lot of a poem that I wrote for the angels and demons contest, you can look at the past contest winners section if you'ld like to use that for ideas to this story.

Critique/Mistakes/Suggestion/Constructive Criticism
I feel like I'm reading about two different people in the beginning of the story. Van sits doodling "on" his paper and at the same time he's staring at the teacher drooling.
Said is not the best word when you think of someone saying Ugnh. Maybe moaned or groaned or even sighed, muttered something like that.

Put some space between the classes to show that time has passed. And you can even tell him about his walk to class as he traveled down the emptying halls dragging his feet.
When describing Lenna's hair I would leave the word looking out. I think that saying her hair was soft is good enough (with the rest of that sentence)
Sentences don't start with But. And I would make that sentence that starts with but into two sentences (and you're missing a letter or two in the sentence).
He fell for what? Her smile, her laugh, her looks, her devotion, her period?
Gives us a little more of a sudden change in perspective. She always seemed like such a happy person, but he had noticed that she began to spend more time alone. Her hair shielded her face . . . on and on

"Those were the times "when" he wanted to approach her." Maybe approach her the most, because assuming he has a crush on her after these descriptions, he's wanted to approach her a lot, but he's too nervous.
Joke has one e smile (and in the next sentence I believe you meant, but he knew he could not_.
Put Van's thoughts in Quotation marks and don't end it with a period. "Talks work like this," I said.

So Van has talked to her before. Maybe mention that it didn't go well and that adds to his nervousness, but I also don't quite like the placement of where that is. It sounds like he's down and then he's excited and it's not the time for that. Does that make sense?
What words did she tell Van? He repeats them over and over again in his memory.

Van sounds like a great guy, but we really don't need to know what he looks like. That's a lot of irrelevant information. If you were going to write more to this story or make it a book it might be appropriate to mention what Van look's like at the very end of the story, but since it's a short story it seems irrelevant and that you're building for something.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

I maintain a standardized critique format, in which I first increase your awareness of grammatical, spelling, syntax, and other objective mistakes, then provide my opinion. I will also edit for style, or critique in a particular manner by request.

I will note that I have not yet read Kasi's post, so if there is any data that has been examined twice, I apologize.

Edits:

--his mouth slightly agape and drool slowly creeping out of the corner of his lips. - tense disagreement - "creeping" does not match the rest of the sentence.

-- The bell rang, jerking Van out of his stupor. - Tense shift from the previous paragraph.

--A girl giggled at him and swept out of the room- Optional comma after "him". Decide upon what speed you would like this read at.

--Sighing and wiping the drool of his cheek, - "of" ought to be "off".

-- "Late again Van!" - Optional comma after "again", again depending upon the emotional emphasis and speed of reading you desire.

-- "Yes ma'am," mumbled Van slamming his stuff down on his desk- Insert a comma after "Van" - everything after "Van" is a subordinate clause, and thus needs to made distinct with punctuation.

--Mrs. Azula sat back down as the movie began.- Logical error - Mrs. Azula is never mentioned as having gotten up, thus, she cannot sit "back" down. Removing "back" will solve this most readily.

-- His thoughts turned to her again- This is a stylistic edit, but I suggest italicizing "her", otherwise you have both pronoun missing a reference (or being mis-attributed), and an confused reader.

--She was the definition of beauty. Lenna. She had beautiful black hair, shiny and soft looking. She was tall, but not overly tall; just right. Her eyes were a deep hazel, with long curling lashes. Her - You have used both "She" and "Her" several times in a row to begin your sentences. In formal writing it is proper to use the same sentence beginning only once per paragraph or less.

--She was tall, but not overly tall; just right- "just right" is not an independent clause, and thus, cannot be proceeded by a semi-colon. Using an em-dash instead will solve this most easily.

--see her alone though; walking with her head - Here you have attempted to use a gerund, but the clause after the semi-colon is an dependent clause until a comma is added after "walking", at which point your gerund will be one, and the clause will be independent.

--Her dark hair shielded her face, as she walked from class to class, often clutching a book in her thin hands.- The way this is written, her hair clutches a book in its thin hands.

--and laugh and jokee with her.- "joke" has been misspelled.

--But her knew he could not.- There is much wrong with this, but I posit that it is likely the result of a misspelling. Alter "her" to "he".

--Today's the day I'm going to talk to her., - You have used double-punctuation, and in this situation it is not applicable. Remove the period.

--He would make excuses for himself everytime her failed,- Change "her" to "he".

--why would you like someone you hardly even know?- Formal writing frowns upon speaking directly to the reader; stylistically this does not match the rest of your piece.

My opinion: I was pleased with the introduction, as your sentence structures and diction were admirable. However, as the story progressed, the writing style and other said traits regressed. Additionally, as the piece continued, there was an increase in both informal writing practices, and bromide use. Your tense changed once, which is not disastrous, but it creates a definite dichotomy between the first paragraph and the rest of the piece.

If I may include some external knowledge in my evaluation: You state that Van is 5'9", yet in your post within the welcome thread, you noted that you were in your 8th year of schooling. I find that such a height is uncommon among such an age group, assuming that your story is written to your own age.

Additionally, the inclusion of paragraphing will make this much less tiresome for others to interpret. I recommend adding paragraphs.

EDIT: Kasi has made an incorrect suggestion in saying that Van's thoughts ought to be placed in quotation marks. Thoughts are to be presented in italics as you have already done, with no quotation marks.

Kasi's stylistic edits are spot-on, but again, I will not personally suggest any stylistic edits without your leeway.  

[cinnimoroll_yumyum]

Thank you, both! I know, I really ought to have reread it, but I had a really bad headache, and also I had to get off because my mom was getting angry... sweatdrop  

[cinnimoroll_yumyum]

Priestess of Neptune

I maintain a standardized critique format, in which I first increase your awareness of grammatical, spelling, syntax, and other objective mistakes, then provide my opinion. I will also edit for style, or critique in a particular manner by request.

I will note that I have not yet read Kasi's post, so if there is any data that has been examined twice, I apologize.

Edits:

--his mouth slightly agape and drool slowly creeping out of the corner of his lips. - tense disagreement - "creeping" does not match the rest of the sentence.

-- The bell rang, jerking Van out of his stupor. - Tense shift from the previous paragraph.

--A girl giggled at him and swept out of the room- Optional comma after "him". Decide upon what speed you would like this read at.

--Sighing and wiping the drool of his cheek, - "of" ought to be "off".

-- "Late again Van!" - Optional comma after "again", again depending upon the emotional emphasis and speed of reading you desire.

-- "Yes ma'am," mumbled Van slamming his stuff down on his desk- Insert a comma after "Van" - everything after "Van" is a subordinate clause, and thus needs to made distinct with punctuation.

--Mrs. Azula sat back down as the movie began.- Logical error - Mrs. Azula is never mentioned as having gotten up, thus, she cannot sit "back" down. Removing "back" will solve this most readily.

-- His thoughts turned to her again- This is a stylistic edit, but I suggest italicizing "her", otherwise you have both pronoun missing a reference (or being mis-attributed), and an confused reader.

--She was the definition of beauty. Lenna. She had beautiful black hair, shiny and soft looking. She was tall, but not overly tall; just right. Her eyes were a deep hazel, with long curling lashes. Her - You have used both "She" and "Her" several times in a row to begin your sentences. In formal writing it is proper to use the same sentence beginning only once per paragraph or less.

--She was tall, but not overly tall; just right- "just right" is not an independent clause, and thus, cannot be proceeded by a semi-colon. Using an em-dash instead will solve this most easily.

--see her alone though; walking with her head - Here you have attempted to use a gerund, but the clause after the semi-colon is an dependent clause until a comma is added after "walking", at which point your gerund will be one, and the clause will be independent.

--Her dark hair shielded her face, as she walked from class to class, often clutching a book in her thin hands.- The way this is written, her hair clutches a book in its thin hands.

--and laugh and jokee with her.- "joke" has been misspelled.

--But her knew he could not.- There is much wrong with this, but I posit that it is likely the result of a misspelling. Alter "her" to "he".

--Today's the day I'm going to talk to her., - You have used double-punctuation, and in this situation it is not applicable. Remove the period.

--He would make excuses for himself everytime her failed,- Change "her" to "he".

--why would you like someone you hardly even know?- Formal writing frowns upon speaking directly to the reader; stylistically this does not match the rest of your piece.

My opinion: I was pleased with the introduction, as your sentence structures and diction were admirable. However, as the story progressed, the writing style and other said traits regressed. Additionally, as the piece continued, there was an increase in both informal writing practices, and bromide use. Your tense changed once, which is not disastrous, but it creates a definite dichotomy between the first paragraph and the rest of the piece.

If I may include some external knowledge in my evaluation: You state that Van is 5'9", yet in your post within the welcome thread, you noted that you were in your 8th year of schooling. I find that such a height is uncommon among such an age group, assuming that your story is written to your own age.

Additionally, the inclusion of paragraphing will make this much less tiresome for others to interpret. I recommend adding paragraphs.

EDIT: Kasi has made an incorrect suggestion in saying that Van's thoughts ought to be placed in quotation marks. Thoughts are to be presented in italics as you have already done, with no quotation marks.

Kasi's stylistic edits are spot-on, but again, I will not personally suggest any stylistic edits without your leeway.

I could've sworn I italisized "her" v>.> Also, ver said that Van was in 8th grade as well.... I am also almost 5'9. I'm 5'7 and there is loads of people in 8th grade at my school who are that height and others at my old school who were even taller... For some reason, whenever I try to indent, it doesn't do so. I have tried, but I can't seem to get it. (Correction to the 2nd sentence because when I tried to retype it started erasing the following words..) Also, I never said that Van was in the eighth grade as well...  

[Priestess of Neptune]

It is unnecessary, and may be construed as rude to quote the most recent post if that is what you are replying to, particularly if it is lengthy. If you are responding to multiple people in the same post, a simple "@username" will suffice. Responding to the post directly above you requires no indication of any sort - it is assumed.

No, it is not possible to indent without code. Paragraphing means adding blank lines between paragraphs, as I have done here.

If you were editing the sentence in Word and found that you were erasing lines rather than adding more words into the middle, direct your gaze to the bottom of the window, and between the details for your current cumber of lines and columns and the language should be four buttons which state such things as "rec" trk" "ext" and "ovr". If the "ovr" button is lit up, or if you do not see a lit-up button which states "insrt", then you need to either press the "insert" key on your keyboard, or press the button until you can either see the "insrt" button, or until the "ovr" button is no longer on.

Indeed there are some who are so tall; I am simply not accustomed to such height in those at that young age. Thank you for elucidating the matter for me.  

[PieAndAlt]

I like the story, but leme tell you what's crazy: I WAS TYPING A STORY WITH THE EXACT SAME TITLE AS THIS ONE AT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME TIME, and guess what happened? My parents made me get off of the computer to watch a movie with them, and I got logged off of my Gaia account. Then, I get back on AND THIS STORY IS POSTED IN THE GUILD. And, my story had almost the exact same story line as this, only from the girl's perspective. This is weird.  

[Fiat Lux Aeterna]

@cinnamon: This story was better than others of the same plot because the writing was better than average for stories like this.

@alison: Well, it isn't exactly an original plotline. Then again, it's pretty tough to find new plots when so many books have already been written.

Just an fyi: you can't get a virus from adding a friend on a website. The only data Gaia keeps on your computer is whatever's in your cache folder (which is just screencaps of sites you've been to so they load faster), and a cookie, which just remembers your login information. If you're really worried about a site somehow giving you a virus through a cookie (they can't, just so you know), then download and run "C-Cleaner" about every week or two.

Viruses are gotten when you download unsafe files onto your computer, or when they upload themselves from like, a flashdrive or something that's infected. Basically if you're downloading programs you don't know a lot about, saving pictures from the internet from risky sites, clicking unsafe links, or opening unsafe emails, then you're going to get a virus or malware/spyware.