Little Lies ~Chapter 1~

[PieAndAlt]

This is a story I've made up, so please comment, rate, and read! Please, if you have suggestions, share them with me.

Dearest Jessica,
I have missed you, dearest love. I've been waiting for your answer to my question, and I will be needing a reply soon. I will not wait forever.
If you can't remember my question, here it is:
Will you be my girlfriend again?
I don't have much longer here in Pennsylvania, since my family is moving to Colorado two weeks from now. I will be expecting your answer next week.
Yours truly,
Michael


Jessica read the note that had been stuck to her locker door that morning. The 16-year-old pushed her bangs out of her face and sighed. It was the second note from Michael this week. "How are we supposed to be together if he's all the way in Colorado and I'm here in Pennsylvania?" Jessica pondered aloud as she pulled her long, dark-brown hair over her shoulder with the hand that wasn't holding the note. When will he realize that I'm not as interested as people say I am? Jessica thought as she frowned at the note.


"He just doesn't give up, huh, Jessica?" Jessica jumped at the voice next to her. As usual, Maria, the most popular and snobbish girl in school, had decided to get into Jessica's buissness. "Maria, what's this got to do with you?" Jessica frowned at the tall, skinny blonde who always seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Oh, just noticed that you were here and I thought I'd drop by to see what you were doing." Maria said in her sickly sweet way. "By the way, you're going to be late for lunch." Maria smiled her snobbish way as Jessica glanced at her watch in surprise. For once, Maria wasn't joking. She WAS going to be late for lunch. "Oh great." She muttered. "Well, catch ya later, Jessica!" Maria flounced off towards the cafeteria. "I sure hope to catch you later, Maria." Jessica said sarcastically. She walked into the large, smelly cafeteria and headed for the lunch line. Jessica's best friends Anna and Kayla slipped in line behind her. "What's the poison today?" Kayla jokingly asked Jessica. "Looks like green mush, sticks, and a log in bread." Jessica told her friend. "What is it REALLY?" Anna asked. "Spinach, french fries, and a hot dog." Kayla told her with a flip of her short, black hair.


"Um, Jess, I saw a piece of paper stuck to your locker door this morning. Was it from Michael?" Anna asked as the the lunch line moved forward. Jessica nodded "yes" as she grabbed a lunch tray. Kayla grabbed her tray and frowned at the spinach, which DID look like green mush. Anna picked up her tray and stared at the burnt french fries. The lunch ladies placed on Jessica's tray a mountain of spinach, a very small amount of french fries, and a hot dog. As soon as Anna and Kayla had their lunches, the trio sat down at an empty table. Michael walked up to them with his lunch tray. "Hello ladies," He said with a hint of an Austrailian accent. "May I sit with you?" Michael eyed Jessica as he said this. "Sure, Michael." The three girls answered in unison, though Jessica would have liked to say "Get lost." Or something to that effect. Michael slid into the chair next to Jessica. Anna and Kayla giggled like second graders as they watched Michael. Jessica shot them a look that said "Stop it NOW." Kayla stared down at her food and picked at it, while Anna shoved some spinach into her mouth.


"So, Jessica, what are you doing this weekend?" Michael broke the silence that had settled over the table. "Um, this weekend? Well, I was, um, thinking about, er, going over to my grandparents' house to spend the night, because my grandfather isn't doing well and, um, my grandmother needs all the help she can get with caring for him, so I thought I should go and help them." Jessica lied, blushing. "We'll be right back." Anna said, and with a flip of their auburn ponytail, she was leading Kayla to the restroom. Some friends, Jessica thought as she frowned at her hotdog, Real friends wouldn't leave their other friends with a guy who is flirting with that friend. "Oh. Well, did you get my note?" Michael's voice interupted Jessica's thoughts. "Uh, the one that you stuck to my locker? Yeah, I got that one." Jessica bit her lip as she said this. She knew what he was going to ask next. "Well?" Michael asked her. "Huh? Oh, look at the time! Sorry, can't answer your question now, Michael. Bye." Jessica got out of the chair and speed walked to the trash can, leaving a bewildered Michael sitting at the table. This feels like second grade all over again! Second grade with 16-year-olds, that is. Jessica thought as she threw her food into the trash can and made a beeline for the cafeteria door.

 

[Kasi Karra]

Moved to Writing razz rose subforum

Interesting Story. I like how you've set to make Michael look a little bit of a bad guy.

Critique/review/response/whateveryouwanttocallthis smile

Please seperate the big paragraph into smaller paragraphs next time. It makes it easier to read smile

""I sure hope to catch you later, Maria." Jessica said sarcastically. She followed Maria into the cafeteria and headed for the lunch line."
To me this didn't make sense., cause she was being sarcastic and then follows her into the cafeteria.

""Looks like green mush, sticks, and a log in bread." Jessica joked along with her friend." I think that using "joked" is a little repetitve following "Kayla jokingly asked Jessica."

"Soon they all had their lunches" sounds like a funny transition to me. You're telling us the story line almost minute by minute and then all of a sudden you have a time break.

""Hello ladies," He said with a hint of an Austrailian accent."

""Sure, Michael." The three girls answered in unison." - I'm just curious. If Jessica has no clue how she's going to respond to Michael, why would she willingly and immediately agree to let him sit with them?

My only other complaint was that by then end of the story I forgot that the main character was 16 (and that would mean the others were 16 too). The ending was giving me this more childish vibe like 8 year old/2nd grade type kids.  

[Fiat Lux Aeterna]

Whoah. Kids at 16 are really in love and they haven't even dated each other yet? That totally just made me disbelieve the entire story. If you're going to write a realistic story, you probably ought to make ALL of it realistic.

Also, I think you've done too much talking. I was reading through this, and I saw talking, talking, and more talking. It didn't really help that it wasn't broken up, like Kasi said. If you could just add a little more description of location, like what the lunchroom was like - was it big, small, smelly, cold, comforting, alienating...? I don't know how the school setting is influencing any of the characters.

Ah... you misspelled "expecting" in the first little bit.  

[PieAndAlt]

@Kasi Karra

Ok, I changed most of it, but I have a little problem: I've tried putting the story into smaller paragraphs by spcing it, but when I preview it, the writing just goes back to its original spacing! How do I fix that?  

[Priestess of Neptune]

It is unnecessary, and may be construed as rude to quote the most recent post if that is what you are replying to, particularly if it is lengthy. If you are responding to multiple people in the same post, a simple "@username" will suffice. Responding to the post directly above you requires no indication of any sort - it is assumed. Quoting posts is generally reserved for a situation in which the post you are commenting upon is on a different page in the thread, on a different thread entirely, or if the person whose post you are quoting from has posted since the post you are referencing.

Gaia's coding is such that any number of spaces is construed as a single space. Thus, the only method of paragraphing is adding new lines by pressing the return key (or enter key).  

[PieAndAlt]

Gotcha.  

[Memories in the Mist]

It's good, I didn't like Michel form the start. I also agree that you could break the large paragraphs into shorter ones.  

[PieAndAlt]

I have not had any time to work on chapter 2 with all my homework and schoolwork I've just been gonk  

[Priestess of Neptune]

Do not stress about that; post it when you are able. We are certainly in no hurry.