Heres a sneek peek of my book/novel im working on....

[Jess Emerson]

Info
Life has its ways of twist and turns. People used to tell me that I should choose my path wisely because it could turn out miserable. The path I chose is a rocky one. My life is full of pain, loss and misery. It feels like every step I take I have to take two steps back. I was always depressed to the point my friends would worry about me. It would never occur to me that I may have chosen the wrong path. I would always fall for the bad boys, the ones who were either in a gang, or just out to hurt you, or even use you for one thing. My best friend wanted me to find one with feelings, which was strong and was a good guy who would be there for me through thick and thing; even through hard times. Who knows maybe I will…






Chapter 1
I sat in my room looking at the clock thinking of the day’s events….
“Raven come over here pleas!!!” I sighed and made my way to Brandy. “What’s up?” I asked as if I was interested. “Look at this!” I took the paper she held in her hand and looked at it. “Isn’t this the student roster?” I looked up at her. “Well yeah. I took it from the principles’ office.” I looked back at the paper. “I know it was wrong but I wanted to show you that a new kid was coming to our class…” She pointed to the third line with the name “Damon Night” “So we have a new kid.” I shrugged ‘was it that important to stop me from going home for this?’ I thought to myself. “From what I heard he’s the quiet type. The one who likes to keep to him self and doesn’t like to be bothered by anybody.” I laughed at her. “Well can I go home now?” She nodded and I left. When I got home I looked for my mother who was in the living room watching the news. “Hey mom. How was your day?” She looked from the television to me. “Well sweetie, for starters we have a new guy on the force.” I sat down next to her. “Really?” “Yeah his names Jeffry Night. Yet he wants us to call him Jeff.” My mom sighed. “I wonder if that’s the new kid’s father…..” My mom looked at me. “You have a mew kid at school?” I nodded. ‘Yeah but he wasn’t in school today.” I sighed. “What’s his name or do you not know yet?” Mom asked me. “His names Damon Night.” Shed nodded. “Yeah that’s Jeff’s kid. He’s a striking young boy.” I looked at her. “What you saw him?” she laughed. “Yeah, Jeff took him to the station this morning. You’ll see Damon in school tomorrow.” ‘I wonder…’ “Is he quiet?” I asked she nodded. “Yes, very quiet I even forgot he was there.” ‘Wow Brandy was right for once.’ “Why?” Mom asked. “Oh just wondering is all.” I got up. “Well I’m going to go and start my homework.” “I’ll call you when suppers ready.” I nodded and went to my room. By five o’clock I was done….
I leaned over the side of my bed and grabbed my pocket book. I then looked for my cell phone and dialed Brandies number. “Hey its Raven…guess what.” “What is it?” Brandy asked. “About the new kid he’s the quiet type.” “REALLY?!?” I sighed. “Yeah, my mom met him and his father at the station today.” “Raven dinners ready!” My mom yelled up at me. “Ok! Hey Brandy I got to go. I’ll talk to you at school.” I hung up the phone and went down stairs. “So what’s for dinner?” I asked going into the kitchen and sitting at the table. “Shepherds pie your favorite.” I smiled. “So did you finish your home work?” I nodded. “Yes I did.” She handed me a plate. “Thank you. So any new cases at work?” She shook her head. “No it’s been really slow.” She sighed. “Sorry mom.” “It’s alright. You know Raven you should visit you father…” I shivered. “Mom, no he scares me.” I stared at my food. “Ray…I know he used to abuse you and even tried to kill you once but he’s your father.” I shook my head. “Mom I don’t want to see him ever again. I’m glad he’s behind bars. That’s were he belongs.” She sighed. “I know sweetie, I know.”


So thats all imma put right now please tell me what you think....  

[Cognitive Atrophy]

Work on paragraph construction. My rating is...

3/10

Sorry. Just being honest. The plot seems a bit hollow and uninteresting. First though, work on paragraph construction. Then just keep working on the story.

The thing at the end about her visiting her father seems a bit ridiculous. So, he beat her and tried to kill her, but her mother still wants her daughter to visit him?

But, you did well with spelling for the most part.  

[Appelsina]

A lot of dialogue and a little hard to read with my eye sight. emo
I am slightly confused as to what is going on, you have dialogue but there needs to be a description of something or a sentence like the one at the beginning.
Make your characters have action. Yes, sometimes people do just 'sit' but a lot of the times there is more to it.
Your spelling, like Acoustic said is well but there are little errors for that also.
3/5  

[Miss_Comet]

When I first started out writing I had a hard time with this also. Quotations! When you're having dialogue between to people you should always start a new paragraph each time a new person is speaking. Example Johnny So-n-so said "Blah blah blah blah"

"Blah blah blah blah" Sarah Knowitall replied.

"Yada yada yada" Johnny yelled!

Also when your typing in word it's easy to just click on the italicize button for something thought but when you are transferring it to Gaia (or originally posting it on Gaia) take the care to make sure its' italicized.

Also I agree with Acoustic, the way that the mother even suggested the girl visiting the father was rediculous. I'm not saying get rid of the suggestion just word it something like,

"Honey, I want you to visit him because I think it would help you forgive him and let go of that. You need to heal-" blah blah blah. I see potential in this story, it's just a little rough around the edges. Keep working on it and you'll really develop as an author.  

[Enchanted Seduction]

I thought that between the squeezed quotes and frequent scene changes that the story was sort of confusing, but you had very nice grammar, punctuation, and spelling. My rating~ 6/1O