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Cassandrahaven

PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 3:58 pm
So this in only a teeny part. Not even all of chapter one.Tell me what you think? It's a heck of a lot longer then this. Trust me. Anyways, opinions?! : D

Nate and I started talking over AIM in the middle of January. Then we officially met at a concert. We had set it up to make sure we could find each other. You could say it was love at first sight. Of course, there’s a lot more to that part of the story.
The next morning he called and asked me out to lunch. Now, this was New York, my first time being there since my life had been hectically rearranged, and an amazing guy has asked me to lunch. What do you think I said? “YESSS!!!! I’d love to Nate!!!!”
That isn’t the best part though. At lunch he asked me to be his girlfriend. Once again, my answer is? It’s so simple I’m not even going to tell you.
Unfortunately, then after we started going out, I had to return home and Nate to his tour. Obviously the two of us did not think this whole dating thing through. We did find ways to keep in touch though. Every day we talk through AIM and twice a week he called. Of course, I also texted him a hundred times a day.
Eventually my friends found out. Basically, when I turned down a date from my school crush who was also my ex-boyfriend. I also blew him off when he flirted with me 24/7. This last part is what shocked them. Turning down the guy who supposedly broke your heart is acceptable.
“Okay, so who is it?” my best friend, Rachel, asked.
“Who is who?” was my idiotic answer.
“Your boyfriend! Why else would you turn down Nick?”
“Don’t tell, but its Nate Jakes.”
“Liar.”
“I’m serious! Call him!” I said as I handed her my cell phone.
“Hey, cutie,” Nate said, jokingly, thinking that it was me calling.
“Oh my God! You’re flipping serious!” Rachel yelled to me, and into the phone.
“Give me that! You idiot! Nate? Sorry, that was my friend Rachel. She didn’t believe that we were going out.”
“Oh, you told someone?”
“Yeah, uh, just Rachel…. She’s my best friend though, we can trust her.”
“Okay, I believe you. Listen, I gotta go. Rehearsal is about to start. I’ll text you later or something, okay?”
“Okay. See ya.”
“Bye.”
“I can’t believe that you are actually going out with him! Isn’t that, like, every girl’s dream?” Rachel asked after Nate and I hung up.
“Yes, but you can’t tell ANYONE.”
“Fine, but when do you see him?”
“Never. Gotta go. Bye!”
 
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:00 pm

O.o.C.;;

    OMG,
awesomesauce. *icanhazmoarplz*
 

givenchi

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Cassandrahaven

PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:21 pm
S u f f e r i n g L o v e

O.o.C.;;

    OMG,
awesomesauce. *icanhazmoarplz*


is that supposed to be 'I can has more please'?  
PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:47 am
It's cute. I didn't think I would like it when I first started to read it, but it won me over. xD

Though, it seems spaced a little weird...  

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givenchi

Tipsy Sex Symbol

PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 12:18 pm

O.o.C.;;

    Mhmm,,
it does. Also, sorry for bad critique yesterday. I was... Bleh. Yeah! Some things I didn't like were you haven't really described much. Example;; Instead of: We met at a party.: maybe go into further detail :Our souls first clicked when an Indie type song came on the speakers at my best friend, Rachel's, insanely wonderful party.: Just a suggestion. I can't wait to read more! : D
 
PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 1:39 pm
What do you mean by the spacing?

Well, the next part is like an IM conversation so I'm not sure how to put it on here...

And you find out more about the party much later in the book.(x Wait...Is that the same party? *Thinks...thinks...* Gah! It might not be D: Dammit...Oh wait. I think it is...Ugh I hate it when I'm unsure. >.<
 

Cassandrahaven


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 1:42 pm
Aren't the quotes supposed to have a space between them? Like, instead of:

"Hey!"
"What's up?"

It would be:

"Hey!"

"What's up?"  
PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 1:52 pm
Nope. The way I was taught you just start a new line with each new speaker. And on Word it's indented and looks better but hititng tab whenever I've online always messes up my browser >.<

Any other mistakes you see though? Preferable tenses. I always seem to mess those up.
 

Cassandrahaven


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 2:16 pm
Cassandrahaven
Nope. The way I was taught you just start a new line with each new speaker. And on Word it's indented and looks better but hititng tab whenever I've online always messes up my browser >.<

Any other mistakes you see though? Preferable tenses. I always seem to mess those up.


-gasp- You can't use tab? I live for tab! surprised

Anyway, I didn't see any others. smile  
PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 2:27 pm
Acoustic Chick2
Cassandrahaven
Nope. The way I was taught you just start a new line with each new speaker. And on Word it's indented and looks better but hititng tab whenever I've online always messes up my browser >.<

Any other mistakes you see though? Preferable tenses. I always seem to mess those up.


-gasp- You can't use tab? I live for tab! surprised

Anyway, I didn't see any others. smile


YAY! And nah. My webpage freezes or it takes me back like seven pages and I lose all of my work. It works on documents fine unless it decides to tab like half the effing page.  

Cassandrahaven


Cassandrahaven

PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 6:05 pm
May 15th.

NateJ92: i miss u
Ahg937: i miss u 2
NateJ92: what r u doing?
Ahg937: talking 2 u & Rachel
NateJ92: cool
Ahg937: sure lol
Ahg937: what about u?
NateJ92: yelling @ Jay
Ahg937: oh gosh
Ahg937: what did he do?
NateJ92: he’s reading our conversation & laughing
Ahg937: hit him 4 me
NateJ92: sure


JayJa91 signed on
JayJa91: what was that 4?
Ahg937: don’t read our conversation!
JayJa91: that’s the only way 2 get u 2 talk 2
me


NateJ92: i hit him
Ahg937: i noticed
Ahg937: could u do it again please?
Ahg937: now he’s bugging me


JayJa91: tell him 2 stop hitting me!
Ahg937: then leave me alone!
JayJa91: maybe i want 2 talk 2 u
Ahg937: yeah right


NateJ93: he’s getting mad @ me
Ahg937: im not though
Ahg937: im more important right?
NateJ92: of course
NateJ92: i love u
Ahg937: i love u 2


JayJa91: great
JayJa91: do u 2 plan on getting married now?
Ahg937: just shut up


NateJ93: i hate my brother
Ahg937: is he messaging u?
NateJ92: no
NateJ92: but i live with him


Ahg937: y do u refuse 2 shut up?
JayJa91: i told u i just wanna talk
Ahg937: not now okay?
JayJa91: y not?
Ahg937: i have 2 go
Ahg937: bye
JayJa91: bye


Ahg937: i have 2 go bye
NateJ92: bye

*


“Guess what? Nate told me that he loves me on AIM yesterday!!!!” I told Rachel before school the next day.

“Seriously? What’d you do?”

“I said ‘I love you too.’”

“Nice. Nick asked me out yesterday.”

“That’s awesome!” I said trying to be happy when frankly I didn’t care.

“Here he comes! Are you okay with this? I know you used to like him….”

“I’m fine! Boyfriend, remember?”

“Hey, Amy. Hey, Rachel,” Nick said as he walked up to us.

“Hey, Nick,” I said. “Well, this is great. I’m going to class now. Bye.”

*


“Hello?” I said as I answered my phone. Rachel and I were on our way to lunch.

“I think lover boy’s sick,” Jay said.

“Jay? What? Nate? Is he okay?”

“He’s not talking and is ignoring everyone. At first I thought he was just mad at me but I guess not.”

“He has no reason to be mad at you. And neither do I. But why are you telling me? It’s not like I can do anything about it.”

“Could you text him? Or call him?”

“I’ll text him. Bye.”

“Bye. And Amy? I’m really glad you’re not mad at me,” Jay said and hung up.

*


Amy: Nate u ok?
Nate: yeah y?
Amy: Jay says u r sick
Nate: y?
Amy: ur not talking. he’s worried
Nate: im fine
Amy: did i do something?
Nate: no! don’t worry
Amy: k, but cheer up
Nate: ok then
Amy: i have 2 go 2 class but we can talk later. bye
Nate: bye

*


“So nothing’s wrong?” Rachel asked.

“He said nothing. Should I get a hold of Jay or wait?” I asked really wanting a reason to talk to him.

“Lunch is almost over so just do it later.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Why didn’t Nick sit with us?”

“I don’t know. I thought he would….”

“We can yell at him later. Now we have more fun class time.”


May 16th.

Ahg937: hey
JayJa91: hey
JayJa91: what’s up?
Ahg937: homework u?
JayJa91: wishing Nate wasn’t so depressing
Ahg937: he’s not better?
JayJa91: he attempted it after we hung
up but it didn’t last long
Ahg937: i wish he wasn’t so secretive
JayJa91: look who’s talking
Ahg937: not funny
JayJa91: mom’s about 2 take him 2
the hospital
Ahg937: y!?!?
JayJa91: he has a pretty high fever but
i think it’s ok if he just stays here
but that won’t happen
Ahg937: y not?
JayJa91: no 1 listens 2 me
Ahg937: i do
JayJa91: yeah when it’s about Nate
Ahg937: Jay that’s not true
JayJa91: whatever Amy
JayJa91: im going 2 the hospital bye
Ahg937: bye
JayJa91 signed off

*


“Amy?” Nick asked.

“Amy? Amy? Hello? Come on, Amy! Even Nick tried! What’s wrong?” Rachel screamed to me in our first period class.

“He’s in the hospital.”

“Who?” Nick asked.

“Oh, God! Is he okay?!!? Oh, Amy!” Rachel said really shocked at the news.

“WHO?!!?!?”

“Her boyfriend!!!”

“Who?”

“I have a boyfriend, dumbo!” I yelled.

“Why don’t I know him?”

“Because he doesn’t go here. Duh.”

“The where does he go?”

“Um…Amy? Are you gonna answer?” Rachel asked.

“I think he’s tutored or home-schooled or something.”

“Well who is he?!?!?!” Nick asked not too thrilled by the news.

“You don’t know him!” I screamed, aggravated.

“Well what’s his name?”

“Nate,” Rachel calmly and happily added.

“Rachel?!?!? What the heck!?!?!?”

“It’s not going to hurt. What’s the big deal?”

“Ugh.”

*


“Jay?”

“What?” Rachel asked at lunch.

“Jay’s calling me. Nate?!?!? Oh my God! Rachel! It’s Nate!!!”

“Is he okay?”

“Hey. Jay said that you were worried,” Nate said.

“Yeah. I’m shocked he said something. But are you okay? Are you at the hospital? And why on earth do you have Jay’s phone?”

“I’m still here and doing better. Mom and Dad went to get something to eat. Jay slipped me his phone to try and talk to you. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. When will you get out?”

“Either tonight or in the morning. Mom’s pretty ticked that I didn’t tell her that I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Oh, well I’m kinda ticked too! You told me that you were fine.”

“I didn’t want to worry you. Listen, Jay says Mom’s coming. I have to go. I love you though.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

“So…? Is he okay?” Rachel asked as soon as we hung up.

“Yeah. He’ll be out tonight or tomorrow morning.”

“That’s good. Was he glad to talk to you?”

“Yeah, he said I shouldn’t have worried though.”

“It sounds like he’s going to be fine. You really should have listened to him then. Are you happy now though?”

“Very.”

“Good. Now come on, Nick’s waving for us to join him.”

“Hey, Amy. Hey, Rachel.”

“Hey guys,” I said.

“Hi Nick!” Rachel said, rather cheerfully.

“You still upset?” he asked me.

“No, I’m fine. Thanks.”

“Why was she upset?” Nick’s friend Steven asked.

“Her boyfriend,” Nick said.

“That’s why she said no!”

“No to what?” Rachel asked, confused.

“To be his girlfriend,” Steven said. He was completely oblivious to her confusion.

“He asked her out on the 23rd,” she said very matter-of-factly.

“And the 13th,” Steven said.

“What?!?!? Amy?!?!!?”

I just looked away. I didn’t want her to see the truth in my face.

“Nick?”

“I asked her out again on the 13th. It was over AIM though, when she wasn’t on. I got the response on the 14th,” he said, kind of ashamed.

“So I was your second choice? For her!? My supposed best friend!?”

“Rachel, let’s go talk,” I said, pulling her by the arm.

“YOU, YOU, UGH!!!!!YOU LIED TO ME! I HATE YOU!”

“I didn’t lie to you, I just didn’t tell you. It wasn’t important. I’m sorry.”

That’s when the weird thing happened. That’s when she slapped me. It wasn’t like I even knew it was coming. I was just looking at her waiting for a reply and she slapped me across the face. Then she walked out of the cafeteria and just left me standing there with half of my face red.

“You okay?” Nick asked as I sat back down.

“Yeah, she’s just mad. It didn’t hurt too much. I’ll live,” I said. And it didn’t hurt. What hurt was that my best friend thought I betrayed her. That my best friend was mad at me. That my best friend said she hated me. And from experience, I knew she wouldn’t get over it. Not anytime soon if any time ever.
 
PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 3:30 pm
Cute! I liked it. Except there is alot of dialogue and I don't really see much description of anything. I understand though for the IM conversation.  

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Cassandrahaven

PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 4:28 pm
midband
Cute! I liked it. Except there is alot of dialogue and I don't really see much description of anything. I understand though for the IM conversation.


Yes...Well unfourtanately if I remember correctly this book seems to be quite a lot of dialouge. Therre's not much to describe in it yet. If I ever get to finishing it the end shall hace a lot more description I think simply because of the direction this book is going. Oh you will never get the twist.! : D  
PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 3:05 pm
Honestly (here it goes and you asked for opinions), I found it quite boring. Even with the drama of Nate going to hospital and the supposed betrayal that I couldn't understand at all. Maybe some more description might have been better.

She met the guy on the internet- it's dangerous to date people you don't know via the internet. Think hard how that could affect people today.  

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Cassandrahaven

PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 12:44 pm
Beckygan
Honestly (here it goes and you asked for opinions), I found it quite boring. Even with the drama of Nate going to hospital and the supposed betrayal that I couldn't understand at all. Maybe some more description might have been better.

She met the guy on the internet- it's dangerous to date people you don't know via the internet. Think hard how that could affect people today.


Well, considering I was twelve when I wrote this [over three years ago] it wasn't a huge deal. And it's only a snippet so you don't really grasp all of it. Honestly, I haven't looked at this story since I posted it on here. Even when I did that the story hadn't been touched in months but many people have told me it's really good so I posted it. Until I looked today I thought this thread had died.
 
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