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TheBeaconOfHope

PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 7:12 pm
Please be kind with comments and such. This is a sort of sneak peek into a story I'm working on. I hope you will enjoy it.



The corridors of the Durren Tower were shrouded in darkness. The only source of light was the soft glow emitting from the torches that hung on the wall. But the light flickered making it even harder to see. Drips of water crawled through the cracks between the stone bricks. The sound of crackling flames and water falling against stone echoed through the narrowed space. The corridors were as eerie as a graveyard.

Hidden under the cover of shadows is a thief. A theif that goes by the name, Nalia. She is the elite in Durren. See how she moves as soundlessly as the night and as gracefully as a mountain lion? Her black cloak helped her blend in with the shadows, the hood was pulled down over her head just in case someone were to see her. But no one could see her, you wouldn't see her even if you were aware of her presence.

Tonight her goal is to retrieve a jewel, the Bleeding Earth jewel. In Durren jewels are a sign of power. The more valuable a jewel you posses the more power you hold. Bleeding Earth isn't as valuable as most, but it is valuable enough to have a few people follow your will. Her client must be extremely desperate if he was willing to pay for her services. Being the best her fees weren't as cheap as others.

After a while of wandering through the shadows she reached her destination, the jewel chamber. The entrance was a double door with a frame that had ancient symbols carved into the wood. Nalia recognized the symbols and translated it into modern language. "The gift from the gods is the gift of power." Nalia scoffed. Yes, tyranny is an excellent gift to the people. She thought to herself. She kneeled down and worked on picking the lock. The door was unlocked in a matter of seconds. It creaked open, the sound bouncing off the walls. Nalia cursed under her breath, now she would have to work fast. She slipped through the open doors.

The jewel chamber was a rounded room, kind of like the inside of a castle tower. There were no windows because the walls were covered with shelves that held jewels. There were no torches to light the room, but the jewels provided enough light to light the whole room. The instant Nalia stepped into the room she felt a surge of power flow through her, and it didn't stop. It was unlike any feeling she had felt before. She felt rejuvinated, full of energy, powerful. The feeling made her curious, but she didn't linger on it. She shook it off and started looking for the jewel she came for.

It didn't take long for her to find. It was right across from her, sitting on a tiny claw. Bleeding Earth was an opaque brown jewel, no bigger then the tip of her finger. It looked like a clump of dirt to Nalia. She stepped up and picked it from the tiny claws. She then reached into her coat and dropped the jewel into a pouch that was strapped to her belt. Now that her goal was accomplished she had no other reason to be here, so she turned to leave.

But she didn't walk to the door, something interesting caught her eye. It was only a flicker of light as she turned, but something about it grabbed her attention. Her head turned and scanned the shelves. It took a while for her to notice it but she eventually did. There was a jewel hidden behind another that was changing color. It shifted from green to yellow to black to pink and on and on. Nalia could only see a piece of it so she walked closer. And as she did she noticed that the feeling of power grew stronger, so strong that she couldn't ignore it anymore. It was overwhelming and somehow drawing her closer to the hidden jewel. She knocked the jewel in front out of the way. On elook at the hidden jewel and she instantly recognized it. It was the most valuable and powerful jewel of all, the Deus jewel. No wonder she felt such incredible power.

Deus was an ever-changing jewel. Not only did it's color change, but the ancient carvings it held changed as well. Deus was covered in ancient symbols, all of which Nalia understood. The jewel mesmerized her, it was something she didn't quite expect to see. In fact, she didn't expect to see it ever. She couldn't believe that it was just lying in the jewel chamber, she always thought that it was kept in some sort of secret room with incredible security.

Nalia froze and strained her ears. She heard very faint footsteps, the guards will be here soon. Her eyes stayed on Deus for a while. Suddenly her hand came up and snatched the jewel from the shelf and she broke into a sprint, not even checking if the guards were close or not. She just ran and ran as fast as her legs would allow.

One of the carvings on the jewel made her steal it. It said, "Fire, earth, water and air. The symbols of gods are keys to hell. Prevent doom, preserve life. Nalia our hero will end this strife."  
PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 8:02 am
It didn't really flow all that well. And all of the commas! Ohmygoodness! I think in the first two paragraphs you put double the amount of commas needed. I love the point of the story but it just doesn't captivate someone until the very end I don't think.  

Cassandrahaven


TheBeaconOfHope

PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:03 am
Ah, yes. I always have trouble with the commas. xD  
PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:22 am
They can be troublesome. I've had teachers drill me for like seven days on how to use them xD Really, you're just using them in place of periods. And once I believe you used a semi-colon in place of a comma. The more you wrote the better it got though.  

Cassandrahaven

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