Killing Silence Chapter 1: The Silent Death

[Reglare Excile]

I'm experiencing difficulty with my other story right now so I might as well focus on a simpler story I have now. You can expect not to see much twisted grammar since this isn't much on the fantasy genre and the creative part of my brain doesn't work that much for now.


In the Police District:

"Crime on the rise again *sigh*, when do criminals ever learn?" a police detective said as he went back to his chair after getting a cup of coffee. "You mean to kill better or not kill at all?" a colleague said as he was sitting comfortably on his chair. "You know what I mean. Wish this night's over though, I'll need to get home sooner or later." the police detective said as he sat on his chair. As he then sat the phone on his table started to ring. "Might already be my wife." the police detective said after he sipped some of the coffee and then placed ti down. "Might be some serial killer who wants to tell you about his latest kill." His colleague said as he smirked. The police detective just disregarded his friend then and took the call. "Hello? Is this Maverick Bailey?" the voice on the other line said but it was distorted. "Yeah, but you better make sure this isn't some prank call since we can trace this." the police detective, Maverick, said, also getting his colleagues attention. "This isn't. I. . . I was just trying to make things right. I. . . you need to go to King's Veil Hotel. I. . . I'm sorry." the voice on the other line said before he ended the transmission. "Hey!" Maverick said as he didn't know what the man really meant or to trust his voice. "Some kid in the alleyway calling for help?" his colleague said. "Not sure. Try calling the King's Veil Hotel if there's anything wrong there." Maverick replied. "Why?" his colleague asked. "Just do it." Maverick said.

In a room in the King's Veil Hotel:

The place was dead silent for some reason. It almost felt like there was noone there, and it was certainly an awkward silence since it was a lone rock star who was taking this room. Still, room service came to this room for a late dinner but then it was quite a surprise. A murder already happened. Not much bloodshed occurred but it was truly gruesome, so gruesome that you'll feel like your neck was targeted itself like what happened to this rock star whose voice is forever gone.  

[Priestess of Neptune]

The American language is quite difficult to master when contrasted with other germanic or romantic languages. If you are uncertain about something, and you know what it is that you are uncertain about, then the Purdue OWL is a wonderful resource. I suggest bookmarking it for convenience.

--"Crime on the rise again *sigh*, when do criminals ever learn?" - Including actions in asterisks is not allowable in formal writing. Also, you have included two distinct thoughts within the same sentence, thus, you must separate them with a semi-colon rather than a comma.

--"You mean to kill better or not kill at all?" - When a new speaker begins dialogue, it is customary to begin the new dialogue as a new paragraph. Yes, this results in many short paragraphs if two speakers have short lines, but that is acceptable. In older literature, this rule is not extant, but legibility is sacrificed if you decide to leave speech by multiple speakers in the same paragraph.

--Wish this night's over though, - Within speech, it is permissible to have grammatical mistakes, although I am not certain if that is your intent here. The lack of a subject in this clause is fine, as the "I" is implied; however, the tense is incorrect. You have used the present tense (is over), when the past tense is required (were over).

--I'll need to get home sooner or later." the police detective -
When a quote is not the end of a sentence, it should be ended with a comma rather than a period (unless an exclamation or question mark is used, in which case the punctuation remains).

- As he then sat the phone on his table started to ring. - This sentence includes two clauses, but they are not separated by any punctuation. This distorts the meaning of the sentence. To solve, place a comma between "sat" and "the". To determine whether there is more than one clause in a sentence, try breaking it into parts. If one of the parts (or more) makes logical sense as its own sentence, then that is an independent clause (in this case, "the phone...to ring"). Any others are dependent clauses. (Here are the rules on the OWL: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/598/01/)

The police detective just disregarded his friend then and took the call. - This sentence is colloquial, and while that is not an error, it is not formal writing. Your use of "just" causes this. Removing "just" will fix this. Also, placing "then" before "and" creates an independent clause in the first part of the sentence. Refer to the above link for several potential solutions.

--the voice on the other line said but it was distorted. - Again, see the link about dependent and independent clauses.

--since we can trace this." the police detective, - The period at the end of the quotation ought to be a comma, for the same reason as was noted above.

--also getting his colleagues attention.- "Colleagues" has been used as a possessive here, and as such, it must be "colleague's" if he is only attracting the attention of one, or "colleagues'" if it is the attention of multiple colleagues. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/

-- "Hey!" Maverick said as he didn't know what the man really meant or to trust his voice.- A comma is required between "said" and "he", as there are two independent clauses. I am not certain what you trying to imply with the phrase at the end of the sentence "or to...voice", so I cannot make any suggestions. Currently it is in a different tense than the rest of the sentence (present rather than past).

--It almost felt like there was noone there - Two edits. Firstly, you have made a pronoun reference without anything being referenced - "it" has no reference. Secondly, "noone" should be hyphenated, as it is a compound word ("no-one" http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/576/1/).

--since it was a lone rock star who was taking this room. - "it was" is incorrect, as there is no reference for the pronoun "it". Removing both "it was" and "who" will solve this.

--Still, room service came to this room for a late dinner but then it was quite a surprise. - Again, there are two independent clauses, and there is no reference for "it". I suggest replacing "it" with "there", and removing "then", and using a comma after "dinner" to separate the clauses. If this is done, then moving "still" from the beginning of the sentence to between "service" and "came", to make the syntax more easily understood.

--A murder already happened. - The tense is incorrect, in that you are missing a form of "to be", in this case the past perfect "had" (between "murder" and "already".

Not much bloodshed occurred but it was truly gruesome, - There is an independent and dependent clause here; separate the two with a comma between "occurred" and "but".

--that you'll feel like your neck was targeted itself like what happened to this rock star whose voice is forever gone.- There are many problems with this. Firstly, in formal writing, one should not talk directly to the reader, so using "you" is not allowed. Secondly, the logic is confusing. Why would one feel as if their own neck has been treated in the same way as the rock star's? Thirdly, there is another case of missing punctuation between clauses (a comma between "star" and "whose").

My opinion: This segment is quite short, so it is difficult to provide any empirically useful observations.  

[Reglare Excile]

@Priestess of Neptune

I see. I should follow your advice, and seek the proper ways of writing. 3nodding  

[Priestess of Neptune]

You are welcome. If you have not already taken notice, I have posted a sticky with a list of useful links for writers in the main forum. Also, please follow posting etiquette.