Untitled Poem

[Sapphirianna]

Beaten and battered, I lost my trust
In those who would help, even before they must.
I lost my sense of security and peace,
All this hope I had was surreptitiously released.
By whom, I yet have not a clue,
But perhaps, the thief of hope was you.
Behind the scenes, you stole away
My very confidence, I know what you’d say.
“I was just participating in that simple event,
Like the thing the Christians call ‘Lent’.”
Maybe it was not just you,
You recruited some, but surely, who?
See that now I question everyone,
Perhaps someday I’ll question the sun.
A silly notion, indeed it is,
But now all you say is “miss”.
I have a name, don’t you know,
I’d like to be addressed by that, not for show.
You’re hiding something, providing distrust,
Go ahead and leave if you must!
What’s that? You cry?
Surely, but why?
“You have not a clue
Of what’s happened to you?”
Ppfh, no! I understand what you did!
I’m not as stupid as a toddler or kid!
“You still don’t see.”
You question me?
“You poor lost soul.”
Now you want control?!?
Forget it, I’m going, say goodbye dear sir!
“I don’t know what has happened to her.”?
You make no sense, man, dare to speak up!
“You don’t know the story of the Bread and Cup?”
Why should I know about suppertime?
Right now it’s almost half past nine!
“You don’t get it, do you?”
Spit it out! Or let me through!
“He died.” So sad, I must be gone,
My work proceeds at the break of dawn.
“Shut up and listen, would you?!?”
Whoa, calm down, I didn’t mean to be rude!
“He died for your sin,”
Great, but He didn’t win…
“No, He lives,” WHAT?!?
“Yes, even though He died and was cut,
He rose from the dead,
No bruise to His head,
And He loves you all the same.”
Does He speak of me by name?
“Yes, come and ask Him forgiveness of your wrongs,
Then you can go and join the throngs.”
Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind.
Thanks, God for being ever so kind.
Amen.  

[Scarlet_Teardrops]

Your poetry does not go ignored.
I will give you a critique later on. Don't worry. ^_^
 

[squeakygirl]

WOW!!! And didn't I see in a different post that you are only 14? That was incredible!  

[Scarlet_Teardrops]

I promise I haven't forgotten about your poem.
Just been a little preoccupied.
 

[Scarlet_Teardrops]

This poem is quite lovely. However, I'm afraid that there is a major problem with it. It's called meter and flow.

When you write rhyming poetry, lines that rhyme with each other have to be the same meter. Meaning, a certain amount of beats. Essentially, the syllables of a sentence, really.

For example:

Singing away the afternoon.
Making music until the moon
Rises into the sky,
Shining down from on high.

This isn't the best example. But notice:

Singing away the afternoon has 8 syllables.

Sing-ing a-way the af-ter-noon

Any line that you want to rhyme with that particular line (in this case "Making music until the moon") have to have 8 syllables as well.

And so you have:

Ma-king mu-sic un-til the moon

8 syllables.

That's a rule to rhyming poetry. It also helps your poem flow a lot better if you follow that rule. And it's the same with the next two lines.

Ri-ses in-to the sky

6 syllables.

Shin-ing down from on high

6 syllables.

Notice that, because they have a different rhyme scheme, they don't have to be 8 syllables. As long as your lines have the same amount of syllables (meter) as the very first line where the rhyming word appears, you're fine.

So I would change your lines accordingly if I were you. A big overhaul, I know. But you can do it! You have a gift, I think. ^_^

God bless. I hope to see more poetry from you in the future.
 

[Riku Elmwick]

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL crying