Wonder~
Some nights I wonder
what my life would've been like if I hadn't been born
me
if I had been born in another time, in another skin
without having to waste my tears and worry
on you petty, worthless, awful
mother, father
I am not your baby
Daddy: you may have fathered me but you were never
my father, mother
as my heart bleeds life into my skin and bones
I am reminded of you
your eyes, your cheeks, your smile
and people say
"You look just like her." and I want to scream and rage
but
I think it's better to not know you than hate you
I'm sick of hurting and wasting my
precious little time on your
mistakes I will not
pay for the things and mistakes you've made
I am a woman, your child no longer and for this I wish
to be rid of you and the tears
and the fears and regrets that burn me and eat me up inside
and drive me insane at night when I'm all alone with my thoughts
and all alone with the crickets outside my window and
the city that pulses around me and
the people in their cars and
I feel alone and
angry.
Some nights I wonder.
--------------------------
I'm Tired~
I'm tired of being that
Hard candy girl, that
Suck-that-lollipop-baby girl, that
Ooh-hunny-that's-so-good girl
I am not here to make
you
Feel good, I'm not here
to be your baby girl,
doll face
tootsie
hunny
I'm tired of being that
hard-on-the-outsie girl,
that bi-polar-darling girl,
that, good-for-experimenting girl
I've got news.
I'm not a dressing room
for you to try on your homo cocktail
dress to show you a
good time
I'm not your "do that again"
Ooh baby when
I'm with you everything else falls away
you say
but for God's sake don't tell your boyfriend
Oh well.
Here I am again, crying on my bathroom floor
wishing you were here
wishing you were mine
but you're not and he has you
but he doesn't deserve you
And he uses you but
Oh well.
Here I am again on this homo-rolo-coaster
left here all alone once more but,
NO
I'm done
This is the last time you leave me crying
out for you on the floor of my room
The last time my lips touch you
In that forbidden place and--
Shhh, don't cry
It's quiet and I'm holding you
And suddenly,
I'm crying
I'm alone
I'm tired
I'm tired of the way
your hair brushes my face
and the way
your lips pout when I deny you
and the way your eyes fall on me
when he's holding your hand
This emotional tearing hurts so bad,
but even though I swear this is the
last time, we both know
this time tomorrow, I'll be crying
I'll be tired.
-------------------------
Monsters~
The monster in my head won't be quiet
Not for an hour
For a minute
For a second
And you look at me and say "She's crazy"
And you look at me and say "Why are you complaining?"
It's true, I'm that skinny rich white girl
Over-privileged and under-dressed
And yes,
I have a Wii and an Xbox 360 and a flat screen TV
But you don't know me.
You don't know who I am,
Or what I'm like,
I'm the only damn girl in this room labeled "dyke"
"Lesbo" "rainbow" "f*****t" "c**t"
Whatever you call me, I've heard it all,
And you say I have it good,
That my plight is worthless
That I can pick my battles
Well let me tell you one thing
I don't need eyeliner, blush, concealer, eyeshadow, lip liner, lip gloss
To be beautiful
I don't need war paint and iron walls
To have the courage to be myself
And the monster in my mind tells me to pull the hair out of my head,
And to pull the skin off of my face,
But you kindly look the other way
Say you understand,
Say it's okay,
Well it's not
It laughs at me, tell me to kick down doors
To shatter glass
To mouth off to adults
To kick you in the shins and run
But it is a blessing, because it also tells me
It's okay
It's okay to hold your hand and touch your hair and kiss you
and love you and be that girl.
The girl your mothers love and your exes hate
the girl you've always wanted and certainly always loved
Because I kiss girls and tend to self destruct
Doesn't make me less
It makes me more than you
Stronger than you
And for that
I don't need war paint and iron walls
I don't need a mask
I just need her.
-------------------------
Free~
I hated you for
Releasing me from my cage
I'm sure you meant well
But I was young
And stupid
You helped me see:
I cannot be summed in
A folded piece of paper
or a poster-board sign
I'm not a rainbow
Or a pink triangle
Or glitter and plastic
I am a person
Not a pop culture icon
Reduced to the status of
"fad"
And we don't ******** hook up or
screw around on the side
like the breeders
or like the "straight" kids
Who just want to try us on for size
"I mean I kiss girls and screw around sometimes
But it's for the guys,
So I'm not gay right?"
I'm not the dyke ambassador
I can't give you the answers
And I keep thinkin' about how these words
Don't rhyme
But does it matter,
If I'm tick-tocking away time
Trying to talk to you
about how you will
NEVER
understand me and
"my kind"
I am a broken music box
Spouting the same song
A plastic ballerina
frozen in place
But you started me spinning
When you set me free
You have called me
DYKE
f**
LESBO
QUEER
Well, let me tell you something;
I don't need your God
Or your false pretenses
Your forgiveness and lies
I don't want your guidelines
Or your rules
I will NOT wear your collar
Or your harness
Or your chains
I am free.
You set me free.
I am proud to be a
DYKE
f**
LESBO
So call me
"c**t"
"whore"
"sinning little b***h"
I don't care.
I am FREE.
Some nights I wonder
what my life would've been like if I hadn't been born
me
if I had been born in another time, in another skin
without having to waste my tears and worry
on you petty, worthless, awful
mother, father
I am not your baby
Daddy: you may have fathered me but you were never
my father, mother
as my heart bleeds life into my skin and bones
I am reminded of you
your eyes, your cheeks, your smile
and people say
"You look just like her." and I want to scream and rage
but
I think it's better to not know you than hate you
I'm sick of hurting and wasting my
precious little time on your
mistakes I will not
pay for the things and mistakes you've made
I am a woman, your child no longer and for this I wish
to be rid of you and the tears
and the fears and regrets that burn me and eat me up inside
and drive me insane at night when I'm all alone with my thoughts
and all alone with the crickets outside my window and
the city that pulses around me and
the people in their cars and
I feel alone and
angry.
Some nights I wonder.
--------------------------
I'm Tired~
I'm tired of being that
Hard candy girl, that
Suck-that-lollipop-baby girl, that
Ooh-hunny-that's-so-good girl
I am not here to make
you
Feel good, I'm not here
to be your baby girl,
doll face
tootsie
hunny
I'm tired of being that
hard-on-the-outsie girl,
that bi-polar-darling girl,
that, good-for-experimenting girl
I've got news.
I'm not a dressing room
for you to try on your homo cocktail
dress to show you a
good time
I'm not your "do that again"
Ooh baby when
I'm with you everything else falls away
you say
but for God's sake don't tell your boyfriend
Oh well.
Here I am again, crying on my bathroom floor
wishing you were here
wishing you were mine
but you're not and he has you
but he doesn't deserve you
And he uses you but
Oh well.
Here I am again on this homo-rolo-coaster
left here all alone once more but,
NO
I'm done
This is the last time you leave me crying
out for you on the floor of my room
The last time my lips touch you
In that forbidden place and--
Shhh, don't cry
It's quiet and I'm holding you
And suddenly,
I'm crying
I'm alone
I'm tired
I'm tired of the way
your hair brushes my face
and the way
your lips pout when I deny you
and the way your eyes fall on me
when he's holding your hand
This emotional tearing hurts so bad,
but even though I swear this is the
last time, we both know
this time tomorrow, I'll be crying
I'll be tired.
-------------------------
Monsters~
The monster in my head won't be quiet
Not for an hour
For a minute
For a second
And you look at me and say "She's crazy"
And you look at me and say "Why are you complaining?"
It's true, I'm that skinny rich white girl
Over-privileged and under-dressed
And yes,
I have a Wii and an Xbox 360 and a flat screen TV
But you don't know me.
You don't know who I am,
Or what I'm like,
I'm the only damn girl in this room labeled "dyke"
"Lesbo" "rainbow" "f*****t" "c**t"
Whatever you call me, I've heard it all,
And you say I have it good,
That my plight is worthless
That I can pick my battles
Well let me tell you one thing
I don't need eyeliner, blush, concealer, eyeshadow, lip liner, lip gloss
To be beautiful
I don't need war paint and iron walls
To have the courage to be myself
And the monster in my mind tells me to pull the hair out of my head,
And to pull the skin off of my face,
But you kindly look the other way
Say you understand,
Say it's okay,
Well it's not
It laughs at me, tell me to kick down doors
To shatter glass
To mouth off to adults
To kick you in the shins and run
But it is a blessing, because it also tells me
It's okay
It's okay to hold your hand and touch your hair and kiss you
and love you and be that girl.
The girl your mothers love and your exes hate
the girl you've always wanted and certainly always loved
Because I kiss girls and tend to self destruct
Doesn't make me less
It makes me more than you
Stronger than you
And for that
I don't need war paint and iron walls
I don't need a mask
I just need her.
-------------------------
Free~
I hated you for
Releasing me from my cage
I'm sure you meant well
But I was young
And stupid
You helped me see:
I cannot be summed in
A folded piece of paper
or a poster-board sign
I'm not a rainbow
Or a pink triangle
Or glitter and plastic
I am a person
Not a pop culture icon
Reduced to the status of
"fad"
And we don't ******** hook up or
screw around on the side
like the breeders
or like the "straight" kids
Who just want to try us on for size
"I mean I kiss girls and screw around sometimes
But it's for the guys,
So I'm not gay right?"
I'm not the dyke ambassador
I can't give you the answers
And I keep thinkin' about how these words
Don't rhyme
But does it matter,
If I'm tick-tocking away time
Trying to talk to you
about how you will
NEVER
understand me and
"my kind"
I am a broken music box
Spouting the same song
A plastic ballerina
frozen in place
But you started me spinning
When you set me free
You have called me
DYKE
f**
LESBO
QUEER
Well, let me tell you something;
I don't need your God
Or your false pretenses
Your forgiveness and lies
I don't want your guidelines
Or your rules
I will NOT wear your collar
Or your harness
Or your chains
I am free.
You set me free.
I am proud to be a
DYKE
f**
LESBO
So call me
"c**t"
"whore"
"sinning little b***h"
I don't care.
I am FREE.
