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Naruhina together: prolouge

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Total Votes : 4


killerqueen121

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PostPosted: Fri May 28, 2010 5:05 pm
Hi. This is just a heads up.It's a fanfic of naruto and hinata, from the manga Naruto. I own nothing. Please no fire comments. This is my first one ever. Ask questions, and i'll answer them nicely. Here is a preveiw.

This is a naruhina fanfiction. Kyubbi, or the nine tailed demon fox, will appear. Do not tell me to shut up, or swear. In it, naruto and hinata are on a mission where hinata gets kiddnapped. Can he save her in time? Read the story to find out.  
PostPosted: Fri May 28, 2010 5:22 pm
Naruhina: Chapter 1 :The mission:

Hinata is siting in her bedroom, fixing her hair. Her clothes were laid out for the day. She smiled at herself. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Hinata put on her shirt then said, "Come in?" Suddenly and ANBU black op's member was there. "The Hokage needs you to come to her office. She has a mission for you." Hinata looked at the man. "Thank you." Soon after he left she grabbed her jacket and ran. As she jumped from rooftop to rooftop,She saw a flash of orange dart by in the same direction. As soon as she walked in the door, she heard running in the hallway. Only one ninja in the whole village was that knukleheaded and noisey.
"Come in Naruto." Said tsunade. She was the hokage now, and the strongest person in the village. The orange flash she saw before walked in. He was 4'10", Had spiky yellow hair, and a great smile. Suddenly the hokage spoke. "We have a request from the leader of The Land of Lightning, who needed an escort. There was a clash of some rebellious ninjas in the land of clouds, so he sent for you two." Her face got a hard look as she glared at naruto. "Do NOT mess up, you have a history of that in your file." Then she looked back at hinata. "Try not to pass out. Now get going you two, and be careful." Just as naruto and hinata walked out, shizune, tsunades assistant, walked in. "tsunade-sama, are you sure you want genin going on that mission? It is in the A-ranked list." "Yes shizune. Although i wonder how the leader of The Land of Lightning knew their names." It is bugging me somehow, she thought.  

killerqueen121

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Kasi Karra
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PostPosted: Sun May 30, 2010 12:51 am
For most Fanfics usually you give the story a name and then put in parenthesis on the side that the story is naruhina or naruxhina which ever you prefer. Or sometimes you just tag the story as a naruhina story.

-In Story Critique-
You do randomly change tenses from time to time and that needs to be fixed.

Purtana should be capitalized.

Hinata does usually stutter, but I don't think I've seen her really stutter a lot except when she's trying to say something to Naruto. Usually she's just quiet and not very assertive.

Give us a little more detail about the lady hobbling around and such. If it is a message from the hokage though, they usually come through ANBU members or other faster youthful characters. If Purtana is old and doesn't get around easily, there isn't much of a chance she could make it to the Hokage and back in one piece.

Thank is spelt with a k on the end smile
If the Hokage needs to see Hinata, usually character's hurry to see the Hookage instead of calmly walking over.
The hokage's office isn't at the academy, unless you've changed the village's layout, in which you should specify that a little.
I would use a describing verb like beat when talking about Hinata's heart because you used went in the beginning of the sentence.

You're needs the apostrophe so that the sentence is gramatically correct
For Tsunade to say that she "needs" to keep the something simple it sounds like she's under pressure and needs to hurridly send the couple off on a mission, but I feel that the situation you've created is missing that tension to match the speech.
Cloud's should be capitalized and needs an apostrophe
women should be plural

(your i's need to be capitalized)

-Overall Critique/Tips-
Your story sounds like it could be interesting, but your characters and story line are a little out of balance.

This should be more of an intense grab your reader's interest and I can see the potential sleeping here in your writing, but you aren't accessing it as effectively as you can.

You also I feel aren't really capturing the character's personalities as they should be. Naruto usually complains about what ever Granny Tsunade tells him to do (unless it's an A-rank mission, cause then he feels important) and usually he laughs and makes jokes at Hinata, clearly misunderstanding her blushing and embaressed pushing her index fingers together.

Most missions are carried out in teams, teams usually consist of 4 people. It is possible to still write a Naruhina story while having the couple go out on a mission with another couple/group, you can just seperate them into two scouting groups when they make it to the hide out.



Your story does have a bit of a checklist feel to it. She did this, then she did this and then she did this. He did this. She did this. (check check check check check)
Smooth it out a little by giving us a couple of extra details and foreshadowing about what could possibly happen. Use descriptive verbs to describe actions and try not to repeat them again in a paragraph. Expand conversations a little so that they seem more life like.  
PostPosted: Sun May 30, 2010 4:23 am
Kasi Karra
For most Fanfics usually you give the story a name and then put in parenthesis on the side that the story is naruhina or naruxhina which ever you prefer. Or sometimes you just tag the story as a naruhina story.

-In Story Critique-
You do randomly change tenses from time to time and that needs to be fixed.

Purtana should be capitalized.

Hinata does usually stutter, but I don't think I've seen her really stutter a lot except when she's trying to say something to Naruto. Usually she's just quiet and not very assertive.

Give us a little more detail about the lady hobbling around and such. If it is a message from the hokage though, they usually come through ANBU members or other faster youthful characters. If Purtana is old and doesn't get around easily, there isn't much of a chance she could make it to the Hokage and back in one piece.

Thank is spelt with a k on the end smile
If the Hokage needs to see Hinata, usually character's hurry to see the Hookage instead of calmly walking over.
The hokage's office isn't at the academy, unless you've changed the village's layout, in which you should specify that a little.
I would use a describing verb like beat when talking about Hinata's heart because you used went in the beginning of the sentence.

You're needs the apostrophe so that the sentence is gramatically correct
For Tsunade to say that she "needs" to keep the something simple it sounds like she's under pressure and needs to hurridly send the couple off on a mission, but I feel that the situation you've created is missing that tension to match the speech.
Cloud's should be capitalized and needs an apostrophe
women should be plural

(your i's need to be capitalized)

-Overall Critique/Tips-
Your story sounds like it could be interesting, but your characters and story line are a little out of balance.

This should be more of an intense grab your reader's interest and I can see the potential sleeping here in your writing, but you aren't accessing it as effectively as you can.

You also I feel aren't really capturing the character's personalities as they should be. Naruto usually complains about what ever Granny Tsunade tells him to do (unless it's an A-rank mission, cause then he feels important) and usually he laughs and makes jokes at Hinata, clearly misunderstanding her blushing and embaressed pushing her index fingers together.

Most missions are carried out in teams, teams usually consist of 4 people. It is possible to still write a Naruhina story while having the couple go out on a mission with another couple/group, you can just seperate them into two scouting groups when they make it to the hide out.



Your story does have a bit of a checklist feel to it. She did this, then she did this and then she did this. He did this. She did this. (check check check check check)
Smooth it out a little by giving us a couple of extra details and foreshadowing about what could possibly happen. Use descriptive verbs to describe actions and try not to repeat them again in a paragraph. Expand conversations a little so that they seem more life like.


Okay, i can reply to all that in four words. I suck at stories. thanks for all that feedback though.  

killerqueen121

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killerqueen121

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PostPosted: Sun May 30, 2010 4:24 am
(now i'm going to edit it. I hope i can make it good.)  
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