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Reply Writing: Prose
The Prologue to a Story I'm Writing

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Memories in the Mist

PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 7:59 am
This is the prologue to a story I'm writing in my free time. I haven't decided a name for it yet. I hope you guys like it and please give comments and advice!


The full moon hung over the dark shadows of the forest. In a large clearing, where the moonlight danced, the green grass blew in the gentle breeze. From the shadows emerged a large black shape. He raised his muzzle and tasted the air. A sickening smell filled his nose, blood! His black ears pricked as he listened for something, anything. Although the only sounds that filled his ears were the gentle lowing of the trees and the stillness of night. The black head turned and gave out a low bark. From the shadows trotted three other figures. With a flick of his tail, the group padded into the silent clearing. They prowled through the grass until a loud wail came from the smallest.

The leader’s head flew up, had Willow found her? He raced toward the small pup and stopped a few tail lengths from her. He lifted his paw and licked the sticky substance that clung to it. It was blood, her blood. By the time he reached Willow the others were already gathered around a large shape. One of the she-wolves let out a sad wail as he went to her side. He pressed his muzzled into her orange pelt and then looked, through silver eyes, at the lifeless figure. Her golden hair was drenched with blood, her skin pale, and her eyes gazed sightlessly at the sky. The wolf’s silver eyes stared sadly at her. He lowered his head and gently licked her hand, hoping she would, somehow, come back to him.

How could this have happened? They had sent him to protect her and look what happened! He could no longer hear her sweet voice, feel her soft touch, or sense her thoughts and feelings. She was gone. He lifted his head and let out a long, sorrowful howl. His pack mates joined him in song. He howled until he felt the breath leaving his lungs. Lowering his head, he gazed at Flare and nuzzled her side. Her rough tongue licked his ear and he whimpered. Suddenly, the she-wolf lifted her head and pricked her orange ears. The black wolf lifted his head fro her side and listened, but all he heard was the wind. Wait, was that... crying? Before he had time to think Flare bounded off toward the trees.

A loud bark rang through the night as the black wolf darted after her. He found his mate with her head in a large bush. He first thought was that she was stuck, until he realized the crying had grown louder. With a nudge of his nose, Flare stepped back to let her mate get a look. The leader stepped forward and pawed the branches aside to get a good look at the small bundle hidden by the bush. Staring up at the black wolf, with wide brown eyes, was a baby girl. The wolf raised his head and called for Willow and Starshine. Dipping his head, he ran his rough tongue over the child’s cheek. As he raised his head a gleam of silver caught his eye. As he looked closer he found the gleam had come from a silver necklace that hung on her neck. Hanging form the silver chain was a horseshoe charm. The large black wolf raised his head high and gave a bark of joy. This was her daughter! Hope was still alive for them. They weren’t alone anymore. I’ll protect her, as long as my name is Silver. I promise! He felt Willow and Starshine at his side, both pushing for a chance to see her. Silver stepped back, flicked his tail for Willow to look, and gave his daughter a playful n** on the ear as she walked to look at the child. Silver stood by Flare and looked at the stars. He knew he couldn’t raise her in the pack, it wouldn’t be safe. They had to find a family that would raise and protect her, and her secret.

Flare stepped forward, pushing her daughter and pack mate away, and grabbed the violet blanket. The little girl smiled and reached up toward the she-wolf. The orange wolf’s amber eyes shone with affection as she carried the bundle out of the thicket and placed her in the clearing. Willow trotted over to her mother and eyed the baby. Her green eyes were wide, for she had never set eyes on a human baby before. Silver joined the two, Starshine close behind, and grabbed the blanket. He gave a muffled bark through his teeth and Starshine and Willow nodded their heads. The two she-wolves bounded back into the woods, leaving Flare, Silver, and the baby. With a flick of his black tail the two headed the opposite way, toward the dim lights of a town. Silver led the way; glancing back at time to make sure his mate was on his tail. His paws soon left the soft grass and were greeted by the hard pavement leading to the human town. As the three reached the entrance to the small town the large wolf stopped. He knew they had to do this but how would they know what family to put her with? If they put her with the wrong one it could be disastrous! His silver eyes closed and he took a deep breath. Slowly, the scents of the town filled his nose. The first smell that greeted him was the smell of animal meat, the butchers shop, not a suitable home at all!

Next was the sweet smell of the florist, it was suitable, but the best? Not likely. By then many scents had filled his nose and the black wolf was struggling to identify them. He heard Flare bark and he knew that dawn was approaching. Humans would be coming out of their dens soon and Silver knew what would happen if they were caught. He was about to open his eyes and leave when he smelled it, the perfect scent! It was the scent of cows, sheep, chickens, horses, and about a dozen other animals. His silver eyes shot open and he bounded down the road. A farm would be perfect for her! Surround by animals day and night would surely help her adapt to her powers! Farms were often at the edge of towns so the danger of being found was much less.

His was panting hard when they arrived at the farm gate. As he went to crawl under the fence he heard a dog’s bark. A guard dog! He knew he couldn’t make it to the house without being detected. So, he quickly crawled under the fence, dropped the baby, and crawled back out. Shaking the dirt off his pelt, he nodded to Flare and the two bounded off into the shadows. As he reached the tree line he glanced back to see lights coming from the farmhouse. The dog had woken them up, good. They would find her before sunrise and then, hopefully, she would be accepted into the family. With a final glance, the black wolf bounded into the shadows of the night.  
PostPosted: Wed Jul 07, 2010 7:35 pm
Sorry it took me a bit to get to this.

I like that you give quite a bit of detail, but some of the detail isn't necessary. You say that the grass is green, but it's nighttime and the moon is out, not a lot of color can be seen. And is there any reason why you keep emphasizing that the first character is black?

Quote:
His black ears pricked as he listened for something, anything. Although the only sounds that filled his ears were the gentle lowing of the trees and the stillness of night.

The word although in the second sentence seems out of place to me. It's almost like having a big BUT pause and then forgetting that important information that comes after the but.

Personally, I would have said a low growl, because a bark is usually used for a command or an emergency, but a growl is quieter and causes less attention.

Quote:
With a flick of his tail, the group padded into the silent clearing.
I assume that you mean the first character we meet, but you didn't really specify.

Pull the search time out just a little. Let them follow their senses trying to pinpoint the source of the blood before the smallest wails. Give us a little bit of suspense to draw us into the story.

Is Willow in the form of a girl of a wolf? Because you say that the others had gathered around a large shape, but then go on to describe a young female (that had earlier been called a small pup). You also make it sound like she's a wolf up until her description.

You mentioned that the main wolf's eyes were silver twice. Is it an important piece of information for the story, or could you do with saying they were silver just once?

(I loved the last sentence of that paragraph btw smile )

Quote:
He howled until he felt the breath leaving his lungs.
In human terms would this be scream at someone til you have to finally take another breath, or scream to the point you can't talk the next day? Maybe specify that sentence just a bit to avoid confusion.

Quote:
The black wolf lifted his head fro her side and listened, but all he heard was the wind.
minor spelling error smile

The main character goes chasing after his wife, does the rest of the pack follow? It seems a little odd that they wouldn't.

Quote:
With a nudge of his nose, Flare stepped back to let her mate get a look.
this sentence is a little odd, but I guess that it works.

Quote:
Staring up at the black wolf, with wide brown eyes, was a baby girl.
wasn't the child just screaming? I can only think of Tarzan as being the only kid to scream and then suddenly see an animal and laugh at it.

Quote:
The wolf raised his head and called for Willow and Starshine.
I thought Willow just died? Now I'm kind of confused.

Quote:
I’ll protect her, as long as my name is Silver. I promise!
I would italicize this because it is one of Silver's direct thoughts.

The third paragraph has quite a bit going on in it and I think you could break it into at least two smaller paragraphs.

Starshine is a girl? Sorry I thought it was a guy, that was a bit of a shock.

Quote:
Silver led the way; glancing back at time to make sure his mate was on his tail.
from time to time or at times would make a little more sense.

I would start a paragraph at His eyes slowly closed and then spend the next paragraph finding a home instead of a little akwardly cutting that into two parts.

Quote:
Farms were often at the edge of towns so the danger of being found was much less.
was much less then what?

Is the guard dog in the house? I first thought it was outside, but then it would have done something to the wolf and the baby.

Sad day, the wolves aren't going to stay to make sure that the kid actually gets accepted or if the farmer's are evil enough to abandon the child?

Unless your story is going to begin with spoon feeding a child and watching its growth every second of ever minute (give or take a couple hours for sleeping), then I would add the farmer's reactions and accepting the child into their home (if they do) to the prologue. With the child accepted into the home, you can skip ahead however long you want to when the kid is more grown up with out adding an akward intro to the first chapter.  

Kasi Karra
Crew

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Writing: Prose

 
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