prologue and chapter 1 to my story " a land forgotten"

[Jake Hellstorm]

I apologize for the jumble, when pasting from word to here it chagnes things to standard non indented style and wont let me indent!
Also unless I am allowed to post it, the rest of my chapters will probably have to be read out of my journal, as my chapters are all a decent length, (especially chapter 4 at 18 pages) all having 6 or more pages, averaging at around 9.
But anyways I would love some critic, be it good or bad, especially if its bad! because If something is bad I need to change it and it wont get done if my critics shy away from the problem ^_^

Prologue

On a dark and stormy night twins were born upon the tides, one a thick boy, the other a fragile girl. The boy was named after the god of stars, lord Alastar, The girl was named after the witch of the sea, lady Rhianna. The twins had been born to a cursed family, a family of outcasts. On every family members right forearm lay a symbol of a magical creature, each symbol was different for each member, and none who met them knew what they signified. On the female child there lay a symbol of a griffin. Upon the male child was the symbol of a curled dragon.

Born upon the tides, on a large ship that was doomed the second it left port. The waves tossed and turned the ship, even with the ships great size, it was no match for the power of the ocean. The ship was built ages ago, and was large and mighty yet it was torn asunder, and never would it be seen again. The two children though were destined to live, and this is their story. They grew unknowing of each other’s existence and for many a year so they would think they were an only child.
Each had been rescued by those who would have nothing to do with them, their bodies and souls used for nothing more than money and power. Rare was it for either child to truly be cared for, one pawned the other used.







13 years later...

The boy Alastar had grown up in a small town by the sea, called Felwood Harbor. The town having been called such as it was the closest town, or even closest form of any establishment to the Felwood Forest. The Felwoods were a dark and dreaded forest, where countless untold of horrors lay, waiting to devour the lost souls that wandered to close to their forest lair. Every man, woman and child feared this forest, and would not go near it, every soul except Alastar, who lived closest to the Felwoods.

Unlike most of the boys Alastar was not raised into business, he would never be a fisherman, an inn keeper, or tavern lord; he would never travel the lands selling rubbish artifacts, he would do none of those things like the others of the town. He especially could not sell the artifacts in this town, for once he discovered the truth, and the whole town’s fame for glorious items had dropped. Alastar proved to the whole village, and all that were visiting, during a fall festival that all these so called mystical treasures were fake, and had no power whatsoever. Thanks to Alastar, the festival of trade would never be seen again, the pride, fame and glory of the Felwood Harbor fell steeply, and forever more it would be seen as a town of hard working thieves. Very few would come here to trade as much as before the incident, though as long as it was not said to be magical, than people would still buy from the town. Though later this incident was forgotten, and many a trader started back up their old false routines, they made sure to stay far from Alastar when doing their business.

Every townsman called Alastar a failed craft master, and talked amongst themselves of how the boy would never amount to anything, everyone spoke like this save for his foster mother, who cared for him so. She swore to him that as long as he tried he could amount to great things.

Alastar lived in a secluded cabin with a woman that was too beautiful to be his mother (and much too skilled) this woman went by the name Maria Reláise, the mistress of herbs and medicines. Those that did not believe her to be a witch due to her unique medical crafts came to her for every cure. Maria was known as the most beautiful woman in the town. Alastar's definition was that she was scrawny even for a girl, this thought was mostly formed by the fact that most of the harbor woman were not small framed. Maria was thin, and had long dark brown hair, with sparkling sea blue eyes, that any man could get lost in for all eternity. She was unmarried, with Alastar being her only child.

Beforehand Alastar had been found by a band of traveling merchants, instead of nursing the boy back to health they attempted to pawn him off onto any woman they met, claiming that his frailty was a half off discount. Though there was no discount involved and everyone knew these swindlers were attempting to rip every person off with their off the wall prices. Maria seeing this was still willing to pay such a large sum of money, and nursed the boy back to health. He never grew to be as chubby as he had been when he was born, but he grew healthy enough. Acquiring this child helped Maria to settle down, the town of Felwood being her resting point. No person knew where she was from or what her history was, nor why she would get a house so close to the Felwoods, but in the town of Felwood everybody's history was their own personal history, and they did not have to share it with anyone, and nobody ever asked for it anyways.

When Alastar asked of the symbol on his right arm upon his fourteenth birthday, Maria had told him it was a gift from the gods that must signify power and greatness, for it was the sign of the dragon. Alastar hearing this decided his life perhaps had a greater meaning, more than this town of course, and he dreamed of leaving the town for the thought of discovering this meaning excited him.  

[Jake Hellstorm]

Chapter one-The realized dream


High in the trees of the Felwoods lays a dreaming man, thoughts of his life flowing through his darkened mind. One could only imagine the thoughts on the mind of a man whom had lived such a hard life already, and was only at the age of twenty springs.

His apparel was a brown leather vest over a long, loose white shirt, his trousers a dark blue with a pitch black leather belt. The man’s brown shoes were left at the bottom of the tree that he lay upon, exposing his bare feet to the rough bark of the Selene tree, the only type of tree any of the normal townsfolk would get near.

The Selene tree was a peculiar tree not found in our world. They are a strange shade of blue, the darker the healthier. They have large veins inside them, and at night these veins fill up with strange bitter nectar, that turns sweet during the day. This nectar can be harvested either by cutting a whole and sticking a tube inside, or by cutting it and gathering what pours out like water before the tree quickly heals itself using the nectar. Occasionally the man would stab the tree where he lay to drink the smooth liquid. The specific tree the man lay on was a good 35 feet tall, and 12 feet in diameter , rather large for such a young tree.

The man himself had long black hair, that fell strait to his shoulder, his face was slightly gaunt, his jaws stiff, and his eyes a strong hazel color. his face said that he never smiled, and in fact he never did, not even as a boy. He was tall, and slightly well built, with lean muscles, but not so muscled that he looked like Hercules, but not so thin he could not fend for himself. He had enough muscling to show he worked hard, but the townsfolk knew the man had never lifted a finger to help anyone. Of course there was a good reason for this, and his mind was thinking of this very reason. The mark of a dragon on his right forearm. Though it was covered now, many had already seen it. Many of the superstitious believed such birth marks to be a bad omen, and shunned such individuals, but his was worse than a normal birth mark. It was a small black dragon, barely the size of a quarter, but with so fine a detail you could almost see the scales. The dragon mark was curled into a ball, so that its head and tail lay right by each other, like that of a sleeping dragon. The man thought of the terrified look on each of the townsfolk's faces as they beheld with their own eyes such a dangerous mark, the kind in stories that brought about doom and death.

There were only two people in the village not afraid of this mark, the woman caretaker of his, his so called mother, Maria, and the local age old adventurer story teller, whose age matched the amount of adventures he claimed he had been on in his long lifetime. As the man, Alastar, thought of this he smiled and laughed, not a sight many a person ever would ever wish to experience, something only Maria had ever heard. The laugh was evil, it chilled the bone, the smile was sinister and villainous. He had a very uncaring attitude to match these crimes, and only Maria and the old story teller could stand to be around such a visage. Though Maria cared for Alastar, and the old man found him interesting, Alastar cared very little if even at all about the two, he even wished the old man to hurry and die of old age. both people understood his feelings, but cared little for the facts, knowing that someday he would change...and perhaps he would, who knew?

Alastar's thoughts turned as he noticed sundown coming, knowing Maria, at the age of 53, had been slowing down, and would need help preparing her concoctions for the next day, especially the ones that would sit over night, as they were harder to prepare, and had a much stronger smell produced during their production. Alastar found it ironic that the oldest man in the village was active as a child, and the one woman who was said could cure old age, was growing more and more weary.

Alastar began his quick and acrobatic decent from the tree, graceful and safely he flew down the branches without breaking, bone branch or skin, his amazing feat would have made jaws drop, and circus acrobats look like bumbling oafs.

This was Alastar's least favorite part of living...going back to the town.. Children were pulled back inside, smiles vanished, scowls appeared, men and women who had been working would stop and pass on false tales of Alastar and his caretaker Maria, his mother as they called her. They were only trying to work him over, he knew better than to talk back, or even shoot them dirty looks. The townsfolk would do anything they could to wrong him and Maria. Lucky for Maria she never left the shop without there being a crowd around, and no man was brave enough to come by her house. Maria's excuse being better herbs bloomed at night. Alastar swore he knew better though, Maria even at an old age of 53 was a very attractive woman, and many of the men were drunk brutish pigs.

As Alastar walked his eyes passed over the newest addition to the town, a pretty girl named Kristina, a traveling magician, so she said. Alastar made a nearby boy nearly jump out of his skin by letting out a slight chuckle. The boy had been reading a book and was had not noticed Alastar walk up near him. The chuckle came from the fact that the local bully, Lance Coolwind, the smithy's son was trying his hardest to interrupt the magicians coin act she, which was pulling off in front of a group of children, and try and court her for the third time.
"Hey cutie, quite playing with these little boys, you have a real man standing right here", as he spoke he flexed his muscles and soon after came her smart retort, "I'd sooner breed with a three legged mule, than so much as tough an a** like you." The six children giggled with wide eyed amusement, and Lance, flustered, tried again, "I'll be your three legged mule, if you will be my four legged mare." At this Kristina shooed off the kids, slipping the coin, unnoticed by the children, into the pouch on her left hip. Kristina then whirled around, her hands on hip, a horribly angry scowl upon her face, "That was crude and uncalled for, you need not act such way, especially not in front of such young children." Her anger showed in her voice from her northern accent, and the finger she was waving at Lance was inches from his nose. Lance of course paid no mind to her anger, and knowing he had her attention now, he began trying his best to act 'cool', "you know they have to learn sometime, you know that...or do you? Maybe I could uh, show you sometime? Maybe now?" With that he reached out a large hand and attempted to pull her towards him. Alastar moved to help her, but stopped as she made her move. Kristina stepped to the side grabbed his arm, twisted it behind him, and kicked Lance's legs out from under him. He landed on the stand and the supplies behind her, causing quite the mess, causing everything from clothes to magical instruments to fly everywhere. Kristina began muttering, and Alastar only caught a small verse of what she said, "damn oaf, mayhap you should watch what your doing, then ya wouldn't make such messes..." Kristina bent down and began picking up, pushing her colorful robes out of the way. Lance stood up cursing and clutching his right arm, the one he grabbed with and had twisted, and he stormed off past Alastar, "what you looking at? Huh you filthy cursed tree hugging demon? Who cares anyways, you can have the filthy wench, take her and leave this town, we don't need your kinds around here." The thought of leaving was very appealing to Alastar, unfortunately he could not leave, he would not survive well in a world he knew only what books had told him. The thought left him as he walked over and watched her clean; it was a silly idea anyways.

Today was the second time he had paid attention to her for the first time since she can here a week ago, he noted that she had a stout body, just like the northerners that usually sailed over. She had long blonde hair, and she came up to about the same height as Alastar. When she stood up he noticed her light green eyes, and had he not reminded himself that he did not care, they would have put him in a trance, as she had a face that did not match the rest of her northern look, it was perhaps the second most beautiful woman he had seen, save for Maria. Of all the things, it was her northern accent that really got him, “What? You come to try to? Yeh ought not listen to him, I am NOT all yours. I won’t simply fall into your arms, and I do not give a rats tail aboutchou pig.” Alastar folded his arms and raised a brow, she was odd that was for sure, “I am no pig, and I care not for you either, I am glad we agree at least there, the most I care is to watch your tricks.” Her face had gotten very close to his, and she squinted a bit as she looked at him, “You don’t sound like the other men around here, your clothes match, but the rest of you don’t, and you have scrawny arms, even for a fishmonger, course I come from a place where every man woman and child is a bit hefty. Course that be hefty with muscle, not fat, you fish mongers usually are hefty with fat if you’re hefty at all.”
Taking a step back she looked Alastar up and down, “yeah your not that strong, I could easily take you” She spoke more in a mumble than anything else. “Ya know, this is the first time I’ve seen you since I have been here, and that is saying a lot, I notice a lot, and I have been here a week…I never forget a face” She scratched her head and thought for a few more seconds, “Course this be the day before I intend to leave, You must be a bit slow to be approaching me now.”

The villagers generally did not want outsiders to know about Alastar, he was their curse, and they knew their reputation would drop even more because of him if anybody found out about his mark. It was very common for people to come and go and never see Alastar. Alastar never minded though, as he did not want anybody to notice him anyways, so he never stayed to chat, and the villagers never spoke of him around guests to the village. If anyone had it would be unheard of, and perhaps the villagers would have gone as far as banish them from the village.

“I simply wanted to know if you could show me a few of your tricks, as I said earlier the only interesting thing about you, even in the slightest bit are your tricks” Kristina made a very horrible face, “Well you’re the nicest b*****d! I am too interesting, you can’t say I am not! You don’t know me boy, don’t bother to talk to me again you town outcast! Speaking of that, why do you even bother trying to blend in? If your not gonna blend in, might as well blend out, in style, take this, It oughta help you out there” as she spoke she threw a green cloak at him, covering his head, and somehow wrapping him up, “Watch closely, this is one trick you won’t wanna miss!” As Alastar pulled the cloak off, which took only a second, he saw that she had literally vanished stall and all.

“yeah thanks” Alastar mumbled under his breath, as he threw on the cloak. Perhaps she was right, he thought, since he did not fit in, why try? Either way this girl had to be his one ticket out of here, perhaps she could take him as far as Gaeldenred, or Highwind, the golden town of riches, or the treacherous town of adventures, not too far when looking on the map he thought. As he thought about this, he saw something sparkle on the ground, looking down he noticed a parchment with a small golden coin on top, the same one the girl had been using for her petty magic tricks before she left. Pocketing the coin, Alastar read the parchment aloud, “To whomsoever reads this note, your talents and crafts are a needed asset in the southern lands. As soon as you can take the first ship to Felwood port, your fees will have already been paid, the only thing you need is the old imperial coin to show the man whom you be. Your help will earn you unimaginable riches and a most satisfying feeling of helping someone in dire need. Once in Felwood port, wait until the darkest night of the unborn moon and meet behind the fourth clover inn, there you will meet a man named Andor Aliesmer, to receive further instructions.” Alastar thought about this, though the adventure itself would more than likely be a bore, but if he could convince her to let him join her he could be out of this town…tomorrow! The idea struck him like lightning, the darkest night of the unborn moon, was tomorrow, Alastar ran with all his might to Maria’s house. He surprised her by preparing her more mundane concoctions faster than ever, as she knew he loathed preparing even the simplest ones, and would take all the time in the world just to get one done. Upon asking him why he hurried so now rather than before, he simply answered that he did not want to spend his time preparing her medicines for so long anymore. At nightfall upon hearing her fall asleep, hearing the deep breathes people take when they sleep, he began packing, the next day was a day he had been waiting for his entire life.

As he finished packing he noticed Maria was standing in the doorway, “I had a feeling that you would be leaving soon. There was no way all that excitement would come from simply wanting to get done, not from you.” Alastar stood up and dropped his pack, “your not stopping me” he more or less growled at her, but she smiled anyways, “no, no I am not, I never planned to.” Alastar was confused, “Than what do you want?” Quick as an elf she grabbed him, embracing him in a soft hug, one that he did not return she spoke softly, “It is a cold and cruel world out there Alastar, it took your parents at sea, and my love at war, you’re the only thing I have left, and I don’t want the world to take you too. I just ask you don’t forget who you are, or where you’re from, and only ask a question that can be answered.” Alastar shoved her away, “I don’t even know who I am, and not a thing about where I am from, so what questions would I ask? Who am I? Is my name even truly my real name?” Maria frowned, “Alastar, I love you even if you do not share this love for me, your name was inscribed upon what was left of your torn and tattered shawl that was attached to your poor body.” Maria pulled an object from behind the doorway where she stood, “Take this with you, you will need it more than anything else, I bought it from the smithy a while back, as I expected you would want to leave soon. I knew you would search for the truth eventually.” Upon looking at it he noticed a sword in it scabbard, and not a cheap one at that, but he gave it no care, taking it and slinging it over his pack, “I am not looking for the truth, that’s one thing I hope not too find. I will escape the truth, and forget about this mark upon my arm” Maria sighed and shook her head, “Alastar you cannot escape what you cannot see, and you have not seen the truth” Alastar decided Maria knew more than she was letting on, but decided against questioning her further, he did not want more riddles, and assumed she would not tell him until he returned, as she probably expected him to. She more than likely wanted him to have a fuller understanding of the world, the same thing she has tried time and time again to teach him, he assumed she expected him to come back with many more questions. Of course Alastar knew this would never be the case if he had anything to do with it.  

[Kasi Karra]

Well let's see what damage I can do *cracks knuckles* I'll just critique the prologue, when I get more free time I'll critique chapter 1 smile

Quote:

Prologue Part A

To split a Prologue this short into even shorter two parts is a bit over kill unless you're planning to write a short story instead of a novel. I would just leave the Part A/Part B part out. It's fine to have this all under the prologue, add an extra line and say ~13 years later~ or something

Paragraph one
-For curiosity's sake you say the children were born upon the tides. Does that mean they were mermaids born in the sea, humans born in the boat, or born upon the tides just sounded cool.
- keep your descriptions in order. You mentioned the boy first and then the girl so when naming the kids, name the boy and then the girl etc.
- I think Lady and Lord are supposed to be capitalized because they are names.
-You have a Ton of commas in the paragraph. It is find to make a few of them into new sentences instead of making run ons.

Paragraph 2,3
-I would incorporate the first sentence here into the first paragraph to add a little suspense and to explain the born upon the tides sentence.

Quote:

The waves tossed and turned the ship, even with the ships great size, it was no match for the power of the ocean.

I'm not an expert on ships (which by the way half way through needs an apostrophe), but it seems like any ship of any size will get tossed around by the ocean in some shape or form. Are we talking about a cruise liner ship or an ancient pirate type ship, that may help iron that detail out a bit.

Quote:

The ship, large and mighty from ages old was torn asunder, and never would it be seen again.

I like that you are trying to sound almost rythmic and lyrical in a sense, but I don't think that all of your repetition is working to your advantage. We already knew that the ship was big cause you said so indirectly in the last sentence, but I do like the imagery of "torn asunder, never to be seen again." (I might suggest changing the end of the sentence to be like what I put in quotations, because your story so far, does use the word and a lot)

-How did the kids survive? Was there a goddess looking down upon them that had compassion, or maybe a demon that thought their existence would be entertaining? Did their magic awaken and save them in the blink of an eye? Did their parent's cast a spell of safety over them?

Quote:

They grew unknowing of each other’s existence and for many a year so they would think this.

So they would think this? I assume that you mean so that they would think they were an only child, abandoned by unloving parents or something, but please be just a little more specific.

Interesting way to end part of a prologue. You say that it was rare for the children to be cared for. If they bring in money and power then why is it rare? It seems like they'd end up with only one "owner" if they bring in so much.


Paragraph 4
-We know that Alastar is a boy, I would leave that detail out
-the should be capitalized because it is part of the name "The Felwood Harbor", unless you plan on calling the place "Felwood Harbor" in which case the "the" is unnecessary.
-I would say "The Felwoods, as the forest was commonly known, were . . . ." to explain that you're talking about the forest instead of letting the reader guess.
-well dreaded as opposed to unwell dreaded.

where countless untold of horrors lay[/quote

don't need the of
-Is there only one evil lair in the forest that all untold horrors share or are there a bunch of different lairs?
-How close is the town to the Forest? 10 minutes and Alastar lives on the edge of the forest? Maybe put that little detail in when describing where Alastar lives to give us a little more of a visual map.

Paragraph 5

Quote:

he would never travel the lands selling rubbish artifacts.

this seems like an unsignificant detail sentence. He lives in town so traveling doesn't seem like an option.

-How did Alastar prove the mysticalness of the objects? Did he himself perform magic? How did he do it? Why didn't any one try to stop him? If this is how the harbor gets its income someone must have tried to stop him.

- Now that the harbor is seen as a den of thieves, do people stop coming? Is the harbor running out of certain goods that used to come on the boats? Why haven't they killed Alastar yet for doing something so terrible to the town?

Paragraph 6
- I would make the part after Everyone a new sentence. A new sentence will give a bit of emphasis to it. And I assume you mean his adopted mother (or does he not know that she isn't really his mother?)

Paragraph 7

Quote:

Alastar lived in a secluded cabin with a woman that was too beautiful to be his mother (and much too skilled) this woman went by the name Maria Reláise, the mistress of herbs and medicines.

Are you implying that Alastar is a clutz? And make this two sentences.

Quote:

Those that did not believe her to be a witch came to her for ever cure.

Don't some people believe in good witchs? Why haven't they burned the witch at the stake or at least driven her from town. (and every is missing a y)

Quote:

Alastar's definition was that she was scrawny.

That sounds a bit funny. "Alastar described his mom as," One word that described Maria. Though to put this after saying that she is the most beautiful in town shows that Alastar isn't good with women/girls (shouldn't be alive for having such a thought), has no sense of beauty, and is just failing to be a guy right now.

Quote:

She was husbandless

husbandless I don't think is a word. She is either unmarried, divorced, or her husband died.

-Weakness? You mentioned the baby had a weakness, but you haven't mentioned anything about that yet? And did the merchants find him by the sea, half starved and exhausted or something? Or did they find him randomly in the middle of a desert?

Quote:

Maria seeing this gave an arm and a leg in cash, and nursed the boy back to health.

I would find a different analogy. For a story that's developing like it is in a bit of an older fantasy type story, saying give an arm and a leg sounds like cutting off body parts.

Quote:

He never grew to be as fat as he had been when he was born, but he was healthy.

He had lost weight with the merchants and never regained his cute chubbiness, but he was healthy? Something a little more like that. Chubbiness just fits a young kid or unmannly clutz that we see now a little better then fat in my opinion.

-So you never mentioned that Maria had been a traveling witch. If she was traveling there shouldn't have been a way for her to aquire so much money. And if she did, there's no way she'd then have money to stay at an inn or buy a home in town

-If no one knows anything about Maria how do they all learn to call her witch?

-Far too many ands and commas in that last sentence.

Paragraph 8

Quote:

Alastar hearing this decided his life perhaps had a greater meaning, more than this town, and h dreamed of leaving the town for the thought of discovering this meaning excited him.

he needs an e
When did he ask about this? Was it before or after the festival blow up? Is he 13 or was he younger?
I understand what you mean by his life had a greater meaning, more that this town, but I would leave the more than this town part out, cause he doesn't really seem to have any meaning int he town anyways.
He dreamed of leaving the town, for the thought of discovering this meaning excited him. Adding a comma seperates the two ideas a lot more effectively.



Interesting story idea so far. I do like your somewhat rythmical way of writing, though there are times when this doesn't work to your advantage, but there are other times when it helps the story move along.
I like the plot, it seems intersting and worth continuing to read, though you did leave out some details (sorry I like details lol)
and like I said I'll try and read the first chapter later when I have time smile

 

[Jake Hellstorm]

First off, thank you for looking through it!

The prologue split, I don't know I just liked the idea at the time.... I suppose I could change that.

I'm pretty sure the descriptions later explain the born upon the tides part.


I was not saying that a large ship would not get tossed by the ocean, that part went along with the torn asunder part, it implied that the ship was not holding up, I suppose I could reword it. It really is to say a large ship is more likely to survive harsh weather compared to a small ship.

I mayvery well do that.
The female child isn't to be explained here, that would ruin part of the story later!
And the boy is explained, at least slightly.
*SPOILER* Maria comes back as a ghost and at one point in her return describes in more detail how Alastar survived, and what happened.

yes sorry, Rereading that I see how that doesn't work, glad you found that.

I don't believe I stated they bring in money or power... If I did than I must have had a mind blitz because I never meant to.
The curse on their arms, wich is described in chapter 1, as the story continues with Alastar and Alastar alone, is the cause of fear and hate, therefor a caring person is not common.

never realized I put "the" there.

huh? I looked back and didn'tsee unwell dreaded... I saw well dreaded...


I was hoping the reader would assume that the forest was their lair.


Alastar describes later the layout of the town and where Maria's house is.

Please explain how traveling doesn't seem like an option? Also, since it goes along with the last few things he would NOT do, than it doesn't seem unsignificant.

That isn't intended to be elaborated on, of course I do need to explain whether or not people stop coming, and the after effects.

No I am implying Maria is very skilled.
You will see later, at the very start of chapter 1 that Alastar is not clutz.

Fear not only causes people to act rash, but it keeps them away from the thing they fear. Most people aren't bothered by her, so they don't worry about killing her, plus she keeps the b*****d child with the cursed arm out of their hair.

He is not a kind person, you will see this later, he has no real "good" based emotions from the start. He is far from the greatest guy a girl could ever meet, that is the intention.

I must have had a mind blitz... I'm suprised word never caught me on husbandless...maybe I accidentally made it think it was a real word while I was getting my other very kookoo words to be recognized XD

I can change that.

ok, can do. chubbiness... just sounded a bit more childish I guess...

Nope I sure didn't ^_^
Want her life story? Wait till the later chapters YAY! Go go ghost maria!

Her herbs and medicines.

Mostly what I was going for was a quick cap off of his childhood, more so that I could get into the story, it is intended to be understood that he had found out, or asked, and left at that because the story itself is more than his mark, or his childhood.


Once again thank you! I shall change what is to be changed, and elaborate on what is to be elaborated!


edit: Okay I have gone back and changed some of the things, I will go back again later to fix the rest, but for now that's how it is. I also (like I do everytime I go through my book XD) added a few things in. I've noticed that soemtimes no matter how many times you read over your own creations, you always miss some spelling errors, or badly created sentences, and only others seem to find them...  

[Kasi Karra]

*opens same browser up three four times to view all ridiculously long comments *

I just personally thought that the A and B part kind of threw the reader off a bit.

The first sentence with the born upon the tides part i believe is now an incomplete sentence cause I think it's missing an subject. Great predicate though.

That makes more sense now that you explain that.

Quote:

Each had been rescued by those who would have nothing to do with them, their bodies and souls used for nothing more than money and power

I took this as the kids bring in money and power. I don't know what you intended for this to mean.

Sorry that was supposed to be a joke. You said that the forest was well dreaded and I was asking if that was the opposite of unwell dreaded. Bad joke didn't work with typing sorry.

I still think that it should be lairs because a lair is more commonly thought of as a cave or dwelling then a gigantic forest, but then I may be the only one that thinks this in the world :]

Quick question - does Maria go near the forest? Since she lives with Alastar I was just curious.

selling artifacts only applies to be a tavern lord, unless you are going with an unconventional and unstereotypical fisherman and inn keeper job.
my reasons for traveling being an unlikely option:
1. Alastar grew up in the town, usually means he spends 99%+ of his time there.
2. He's the only person to go near the forest. Sounds more habitual/routine, then "Dude we dared him and he got the closest last year and so he got a dollar." joke.

It does go along with the other thoughts, but I feel with that extra part it's like you added a random half baked last minute thought to the end of a sentence and suddenly decided to attempt supporting it so that it looked decent. And it does, but it still looks a bit half baked. (Did that make any sense whatsoever?)

I understand that it isn't supposed to be elaborated on, but it isn't something that you can just drop. Even though it is a fantasy/fictional story, not everything can magically run on pixie dust cause the author didn't explain a couple of details.

I would mention then that Maria is very skilled, cause the way I read it, Alastar is a clutz who couldn't have had this skilled woman as a mother. (Though at the rate the physical descriptions were running, it didn't seem like they looked alike either)

You mean that Maria kept the kid out of their hair so well that the town doesn't have a means of income anymore?
I would put a simple mention in there that she was allowed to stay cause she cared for the cursed child. Though at the same time, if the child is cursed, why haven't they burned/killed him yet either?

chubbiness does sound more childish, but you are talking about a kid.

Yay for continuation errors that are going to blow my mind. Knew I should have concentrated on my homework instead.

I think I would still take out the "more that this town" part just cause it adds to your already long comma filled sentence.

(Kay so I technically didn't reread your prologue, just answered/replied to your comments/questions, we'll see if there's more I can break fix when I have more free time)