I don't know why, but I couldn't NOT write this. Read it.

[Xahmen]

It's hard to write.
I guess after the tumor I lost the will to go on; although to my surprise it was getting my tumor removed that took away my gift of the written word, almost as though they had excised my own personal golf-ball sized brain Muse. I remember seeing it floating in a container of formaldehyde after the procedure and thinking to myself:
“So that's what genius looks like?”

It's been almost four years since I last put the pencil to paper and while I've been able to crank out short and superficial stories I haven't been able to feel the writing. It isn't a case of writer's block, it's that I literally have no more stories left in my head. I used to think I needed misery as my Muse but after spending a half year stint with nobody but Jack and Captain as my roommates (and Joe Camel stopping by with two packs a day) I didn't write a single ******** thing.
I have a hard time writing grocery lists.
I used to draw too, back in the earlier times.
Oh, I was fantastic, and the things that came from my head would make a grown man afraid of the dark. I would lose myself for hours, sometimes days, doing nothing but drawing and inking a picture to the point of over-perfection. I have missed days worth of meals on these happenings.
I threw them all away years ago, along with all of my writings. After the surgery I just didn't want them anymore, and the mere fact that they were even close to me made me angry.

I'm not that person anymore.
I lead a normal life, I have a job, a loving girlfriend, and I don't need to write to be happy.
Okay, so maybe it didn't make me happy when I wrote before, but I did need to do it for some reason; as soon as they ripped my Muse out I felt the urge to continue leave with it, and any satisfaction I would get out of completing a work shriveled and died.
I simply do not need to do this anymore.
I just don't need to.

Two weeks ago I had a dream, and in this dream I was standing in front of a large group of people in a park. They all were characters from my stories, and every single one of them was smiling.
Lucy.
The Boy.
The Man Made of Ash.

In the twilight-orange glow I saw all of my creations before me, and I wept.
A side character I had created for the sole purpose of being killed by a self inflicted heroine overdose approached me with a needle in his hand and a tourniquet wrapped around his pale arm.
He told me that he had just wanted to try the stuff once, and that he had learned in medical school the proper dosage of morphine.
He wanted to be a surgeon.

A man with teeth in his palms approached me and tried to shake my hand, and when I refused he laughed and told me that everybody is going to die from the fallout.
That the bombs would kill us all.

A beautiful woman of 20 years came unto me and I knew her name on my lips because she was Lucy, and Lucy is the word for God on the lips of all children; I was a child now, a scared child standing in front of strangers who all wanted me to hear their stories.
Lucy whispered into my ear that it wasn't her fault, she didn't want to be a killer.

But it was sooooo satisfying.
I felt her tongue trace my earlobe and when I looked at her she was drooling slightly.

I saw myself.
It was me from four years ago, pale and unkempt with ragged hair and wearing nothing but three day old jeans and a shirt that hadn't been washed in god knows how long.
He (I) told me that it wasn't over.
He (I) told me that it wasn't over.
He (I) told me that the characters had waited far too long, and they would not be ignored anymore.
I saw the blood running from his nose and I knew that he was my Muse; he was the part of me that I had cut out of my head.

I woke up screaming.
I know what you're thinking, what does any of this have to do with what you're writing about now?
I'll give you a moment to let it kick in.
...
I haven't written anything more than a grocery list in three years, and before that they were terrible attempts that ended in failure.
So what is this then?
I had to sit down and write this, there was no choice in the matter.

If I cut my Muse out of my brain, then why am I gripped by old feelings?
I think I may call my doctor tomorrow.  

[Serenity Reed]

COOL STORY BRAH
No, seriously, I think you blew my mind at the dream part. It's a bit telly, but that's entirely justified. The dream part, man. THE DREAM PART. That really struck me, as a writer. Bravo. And then the ending is just... ugh. heart  

[Culex Xeluc]

I'm generally not a fan of first person, except when it's done like this. Nicely done. I like the stream of thought.  

[Xahmen]

Culex Xeluc

I'm generally not a fan of first person, except when it's done like this. Nicely done. I like the stream of thought.

Thanks for the compliment, what did you mean "done like this"?
Was it something in particular?  

[Culex Xeluc]

Maybe it's because I've had very little exposure to first-person works (with most of them terrible), but this kinda gave me a Catcher in the Rye feel, just a lot more crazier.  

[Xahmen]

loltwilight  

[[Sonya--McCaw]]

I agree with the others, this is amazing ^-^

Especially the interaction between the writer and characters. Great work!  

[Belle Carter]

I liked the feeling that dream part gave - it freaked me out, but in a good way, like I was feeling what he was feeling... and Lucy's part was just amazing xD
I wasn't really getting into it at the start, because the train of thought seemed forced - the memory, I think. But then it relaxed and it's awesome all the way through, very powerful! heart  

[Spastic waffles]

Wow, Z! This was great. Like everyone else, I thought the dream part was definitely the best. Way to be a master of the first person.

I'm sitting here trying to find something to criticize...I'm not coming up with much.

There is this one thing:

I used to think I needed misery as my Muse but after spending a half year stint with nobody but Jack and Captain as my roommates (and Joe Camel stopping by with two packs a day) I didn't write a single ******** thing.

This was awkward, for me. I don't know why, but it sort of seemed like the sentence wasn't complete? I thought it was a grammar error but I re-read it and it's not, so I don't know why I'm getting that feeling. But I am.

...Seriously, that's about all the criticism I could come up with. Really great work!!!  

[Ninja Baby Blues]

I loved this! As everyone else, I was blown away by the dream part.

I agree with Spastic Waffles, also it didn't seem to flow with the rest of it... I don't know why it just seemed sticky-outish, just the last part though.

Also I thought the narrator's other-self reference to 'the character' as somewhat impersonal. Calling them that doesn't describe the relationship I just read. I don't know any other word that would be suitable, maybe just they? I think the word doesn't fit in with his uncontrollable, for lack of a better word, characters. (See? I can't even do it)

It was amazing otherwise! I read this before I joined and it was one of the reasons I did! biggrin  

[forevermyself07]

This was amazing!
You have so much creativity! I loved that dream the best as everyone else. I have goosebumps now!  

[thomlina]

Your story was of course amazing and i'd just like to say one thing. I had a dream like that once well of course it was with my charaters. The weird thing is I usally don't remember my dreams but this one just seemed to stick in my head. I wonder why that is?

'' She looked up from her computer and grinned at the story she had just read. The story had even her goosebumps and she was sure that the author had intended for her to feel that way. Thank you author.''

 

[BlackHawkGS]

Holy carp; I didn't know Camel's mascot was named Joe until you posted this. That blew my face off eek

Otherwise... awesome s**t, as always. biggrin I haven't read too many first-person rants that absorbed me into their stream of thought as much as this just did.