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Snapdragon, please critique.

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Future Liability

PostPosted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 8:45 am
Snapdragon

Chapter one (so far... still incomplete)


Annabelle leaned over the balcony to watch the beautifully dressed women dance with their partners. Faithfully, since the evening had begun, she had remained at her father’s side. She offered a kind smile to the nameless faces who dared to catch her eye, but did not move from her spot, not even when invited elsewhere. She longed to drink wine with the young ladies below, or float across the marble floor in the arms of a handsome gentleman, but her father would not allow it. No daughter of his would participate in such foolish behavior…

“Tonight you shall be my shadow; proper and without a word.”

“-but isn’t a party for having fun?” she demanded angrily.

“Don’t be naïve my little one. There is an ulterior motive to everything, including frivolous parties.” he said with a laugh.


Of course it didn’t take the young girl long to figure out her father’s ulterior motive. The delicious foods and drinks, the mesmerizing decorations and music; all of it was nothing more than a cover for business. She should have known that from the start. Alliances and strategy came above all else, at least wasn’t that what he had always taught her?

Annabelle turned away from the goings on down stairs; if she couldn’t participate then she needed some way to escape her current boredom at the very least.

Patiently she waited for the man in the maroon waistcoat to leave his conversation with her father, but not once did he falter. His lips continued to move animatedly as they had been forty-five minutes ago. What on earth could be so important? Surely they weren’t discussing the weather. During a brief pause for breath, Annabelle stole the moment into her own hands.

“May I be excused for fresh air father?” she asked, lightly fanning her face to express how urgently she needed the cool night air.

The elderly man waved her away impatiently and quickly enough returned to his conversation; however the man in the maroon waistcoat’s attention left with his daughter.

Annabelle tried her hardest to politely decline any social interaction on her way out of the large dining hall; no doubt her father appeared to be occupied but he had his ways of knowing her every move. Detouring through the servants’ quarters, she used the kitchen’s exit, hoping for seclusion rather than sharing the outside with drunks and whores.

The air tasted sweet and the heaviness of watchful eyes disappeared. If only it were possible to remain hidden among the vegetable patches and never have to return to the suffocating gathering. The men in their expensive silk collars and velvet smoking jackets often reminded her of gossiping old women. One thing was for sure, whatever it was that her father found himself at the center of, it was not something anyone would be safe with meddling in. Her father, a powerful and dutiful man, would make it his sole purpose in life to dismember anyone who interfered with his business. Literally? Well, in all honesty Annabelle wasn’t quite sure of the lengths her dearly, beloved father would take. She could only assume that with his title- Lord of Mayshire came certain discrepancies.

“There you are Miss Vanway! Your father sent me to find you.”

Annabelle couldn’t help but roll her eyes. Only mere minutes since she had left and already she was being escorted back to his side. The speaker joined her by the garden fence and offered her his arm. She couldn’t resist giving the poor messenger boy a spiteful refusal, but she was at a loss for blunt objections when she noticed he wasn’t a messenger boy at all.

“Please tell my father I will be with him in a moment, I wish to enjoy the stars.” She replied courtly to the man in the maroon waistcoat.

“I understand your desire for privacy,” he replied gently. “I too am feeling a tad overcrowded.”

His voice felt welcoming to Annabelle, smooth and as if his words were spoken from a long lost friend. An imaginary friend perhaps, brought to life from her childhood. She tried, but found it difficult to determine his features in the dark. His refined manners showed him to be a respectable man, as did the gold rings on his fingers… The creases beneath his eyes reveled his age to be somewhere between late thirties and early forties, but there was no denying he was a very attractive man. Annabelle noted how his very presence became close, much closer than a casual conversation with a member of her father’s allegiance.

“You are indeed a sight to behold. If I may, ask you of something?”

“I suppose that would be alright.” Annabelle answered hesitantly.


"If I could only steal but one kiss, I assure you I will be satisfied." requested the man softly.

"I'm sorry, but I am saving my kiss for a particular someone." she answered apologetically.

Her palms started to perspire and her ears burn. There was something about him and his maroon waistcoat that she did not like. Something that she did not trust. She did not like the way he looked at her nor the way his body was pressing against her side.

"Am I not particular enough to be someone? Do I not set your heart racing?" he asked, his voice quivering with an emotion that Annabelle did not understand.


"You say such odd things." Annabelle stated uncomfortably.

"Is that why you do not appreciate my company?"

"It isn't that I don't appreciate your company, it's just I'm not sure whether I enjoy it is all" she replied honestly.

"So you appreciate me but you don't like me?"

"I appreciate that you are here, considering you are a very important member of my father's following but I do not like your advances on me." she reasoned.

"Surely you are woman who understands the needs of a man." said the man with a tone of mockery as if he knew a secret that she did not yet know.

"Perhaps you have been deceived by the wine served at dinner, I am nothing more than a child." said the young woman, struggling to keep her lady like demeanor and to not lose her temper.

"Ah, a child trapped in the bodice of a beautiful woman, I have been deceived. But forgive me, I do not think the wine is to blame."

"Are you saying I am to blame?" she demanded.

"Of course you are. You stand there alone for the greater portion of the evening. The moon shining against your delicate skin and the desire for me eminent in your eyes."

The man clumsily reached to stroke the tender skin of her throat, but stumbled and latched on to her chest.

"I am sorry sir but I will not stand for any more of this!" she voiced sternly, pushing the man away.

"Come now darling..." he whispered softly.

The foul stench of his breath made her stomach churn…  
PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 6:39 pm
I think that you have a nice bit of writing here and you have the start of a great story. You may want to try making it feel more connected in parts though.  

ContrabassClarinetist

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 27, 2010 11:38 am
I agree with Alto. Great start, a couple flowing problems, but nothing unfixable smile

Just a few comments

Quote:
Literally?

I know that Annabelle is talking to herself, but I felt that the questions was a bit out of place.

And at the end the conversation between Annabelle and the maroon guy, you don't need to have "he said" or "she said" in there all the time. When the mood changes from soft to demanding then it is good to add that little emphasise of "she demanded." but I felt that some of your other she saids weren't as necessary.

Your details were amazing, but a little much at points. Towards the end of the story there was so much detail that I would forget you were writing in third person until you suddenly put in her, his etc.

Please continue the story smile  
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Writing: Prose

 
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