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Indifference - A short story

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Belle Carter

PostPosted: Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:19 pm
Not sure if this is the place to post it, but I saw some other ones here... Ah, I'm sorry if I'm wrong anyway :]


Her eyes flickered, but did not open. Even if they had, they would not have seen - the night sky was devoid of any stars, and the moon was completely missing, making her blind. And blind she was, as her eyelid fluttered once more and opened, her eyes contracting as she tried to see something in the great darkness. She waved her hand a few inches in front of her eyes, but it was just a shadow on a shadow.

"No," She murmured angrily to herself, "No! How could it go out?" Her voice was low and rich, emphasised by the low whisper in which she spoke. She pushed herself up, noting with frustration the surface on which she lay was smooth, unnaturally so.

Her eyes were slowly getting used to the darkness, adjusting bit by bit, and she realised one patch of the darkness was different; Though dark, it wasn't quite as inky black as the rest of her surroundings. She pushed herself up, kicking the voluminous folds of her ragged skirt away in her hurry. Her hands out in front of her for safety and balance in this dark place, she edged over to the light. She realised it was a window at the same time that her hands brushed against the smooth wall. She pushed her hands greedily up to the opening, but although disappointed, was not surprised when she found it blocked off; her hands felt along the edge of the horizontal metal bars, but though she pushed and pulled, they would not budge.

"Something tells me all the strength in the world wouldn't move them." She muttered to herself, not expecting an answer. And so, when one came, she stumbled slightly, emitting a small gasp.

"No, not when you and I both know the bond of magic." The voice issued from somewhere to her left, in the darkness furthest away from the opening. Though his unexpectedness had rendered her speechless, his words gave her voice.

"Who are you? What do you know?!" A trace of panic had entered her tone, and he didn't miss it.

"My Lady Melody, I know exactly as much as you." He said, his voice playful and mischeivous. Even though he could not see her, the Lady felt a blush rise on her cheeks.

"You know me?!" She tried to force a ring of dignity into her tone, but she was shocked, and rightfully so; When the closest relation to the monarchs of a kingdom goes missing right before the fall of said monarchs, that relation is disguised well. The Lady knew she had kept her guise for over 2 years, but suddenly a man she could not even see somehow knew her? Well, it was just impossible! "You will tell me what is going on immediately!" She cried, forgetting to keep her voice quiet.

"Hush, m'lady! I think you've guessed by now that you're inside a prison cell. I think you've also realised what this darkness means - the Orb has gone out." Melody didn't have to imagine the sad tone in his voice, and the words upset her also.

"But.." Her confidence faltered, and she leant against a wall, sliding down to sit on the floor with a thump; she hardly noticed her movements, instead straining her ears for the stranger's voice. "Tell me your name."

A low chuckle echoed in the prison cell.

"My Lady, you don't recognise your own brother-in-law?" His words were wry, and Melody gasped, before struggling to her feet and stumbling her way hesitantly across the room.

"Fureo!" She gasped, as she tripped on something. Strong hands caught her in the darkness, and she flung her arms around the space she estimated as his neck. He held her close, and said nothing as he felt a wetness of a few tears escape onto his shirt-clothed chest. He stroked her hair with his rough fingertips, and gave Melody a moment to compose herself beore speaking.

"Melody, they took Esta. You know what's happened to her if the orb has gone out; 'The death of the Queen will plunge the world into darkness, until another takes her place.'" He sighed, "You and I both know the words carved on the palace walls." Melody took deep breaths to hold in any more tears - now was not a time for weakness.

"Fureo, if Queen Esta is dead, then the Lord will be coming for me shortly, won't he?"

"I'm guessing so, Mel. The next monarch must be a rightful heir to the throne, and your husband-"

"Don't call him that!" She snapped at him, pulling back sharply. Fureo was silent a moment before continuing with a slightly apologetic tone.

"-And the Lord aspires to be King, then I think we can safely assume you fit into his plans."

"But I'll tell the people you're still alive! They won't accept him as the new King if they know you live!"

"Melody... my dear sister, I think it's safe to say he probably won't be keeping me alive for long."

"He's kept you this long, hasn't he?" Melody's tone was low, urgent yet tainted with hope. When the ex-King replied, his voice had no trace of that hope she felt.

"Actually, no. Esta and I went into hiding - we should never have left the people with no leaders, but I knew of Lord Mort's plans, and it seemed the only way. In fact, we were only captured a day ago, though they took Esta away seperately.." His voice faltered, and Melody fumbled in the darkness for her brother's calloused hand, squeezing her reassurance.

"..So the Lord wants to make me his Queen?" Melody was disgusted by the idea, but she heard a rustling of fabric that was probably Fureo's headnod.
"But.. you know I would rather die than let that man on the throne! We couldn't do that to the kingdom!" Melody's voice was outraged, and Fureo had to once again shush her.

"There are guards sleeping outside, and they are not shy of violence if you annoy them. When they brought you in unconcious, I had to wait for them to leave before I could dare try to communicate with you, or try to wake you."

"But I don't understand!" Melody whispered, frustrated. "How did they get me? How did Mort know I had the magic?! He wasn't aware of Inniva's spell, how could he be?"

"I don't know. But you know that Esta and I would have died before revealing that secret, sister." Melody squeezed his hand, conveying that she knew, that she trusted him completely.

"Fureo... If I don't take the throne, then the Orb will remain dark, and our kingdom will die. But I won't be able to claim the crown without Mort becoming the King, he would never let me stop him. He would have complete control of the crown and myself... but our people would live." Her tone was deadpan, and Fureo now heard none of the hope that had been there before. He squeezed her hand now, offering reassurance of his own.

"Melody.. I could never ask that of you, you know that-"

"You need not. I know my duties."

"Melody.."

"I've decided, Fureo, and don't pretend you aren't glad I have. You and I both know this is the only way to save the kingdom, even if it means that scumbag gets power." She spoke with authority, and Fureo embraced her, somehow able to differentiate shapes in the dark better than Melody could.

"I'm proud of you, Mel." He said, his voice muffled as he squeezed her into a hug. The Lady squeezed her brother-in-law back tightly, gathering strength from the embrace. After a minute, she pulled back, and now her voice was determined, if a little weary.

"At least on the throne I might be able to do something to undermine his authority - he can't keep me completely away from magic, especially if I'm his pawn for controlling the Orb." Melody sighed, and leant against the wall beside her brother, resting her head on his shoulder as she stared at the lighter patch on the wall.

"Fureo.."

"My dear, brave sister?"

"Fureo, tell me the story of the Orb. Just one time more before we part ways for good." She heard him chuckle.

"If it pleases you - it's been your favorite legend since you were a child, that's for sure. Well, sit tight, and I'll begin.

"When our great Kingdom, Lunisis (named for our ancestors, King Lunin and Queen Isis) was created, the Queen, who was skilled in the art of Sorcery, put a great Orb in the sky. This Orb followed the pattern of the sun and the moon across the heavens, crossing our skies and shining a light that gave us strength, energy, and kept the people happy and healthy. However, many years later when the Queen became ill, the people of Lunisis soon realised that they were now dependant on the Orb. The great sorceress queen realised she was near death, but thought only of her people as she worked hard on a spell that would pass her magic through her bloodline, to her daughters and their daughters, and so on.
She put the remainder of her life into this spell, but it worked - Isis' young daughter now could bend the magic in ways that normal folk could not, and the Orb glowed strong, only growing dim in the times when the mother passed the responsibility onto her daughter with her passing.

"It continued like this for many years, until one daughter, the Queen Inniva, our grandmother, had to inherit her mothers magic at the young age of 10 after the previous Queen had a terrible accident. Though the Orb stayed bright, it was childish, much like the girl who controlled it; it would flicker, or erupt in burst, chanelling Inniva's young, high-spirited emotions. Inniva realised this, and though she tried to stop it, she couldn't; she was, after all, only a child. But she had to do something if she couldn't stabilise it by herself, she knew.
So young Inniva set to work, utilising all her mother's power, and using every scrap of magical knowledge the previous queens had recorded to create a complex spell. This spell would give power to every female in the royal bloodline - second and third daughters now found themselves with magic abilities, aunts and great-aunts of the young Queen too; Inniva had saved her kingdom just as Isis had so many years ago, for with the combined power of the other girls, and the adults, they could keep the Orb casting light constantly, and brighter than ever.

"However, there were people in other kingdoms who were jealous of the ability of Lunisis' royal bloodline, and sought it to construct an orb of their own. The terrible accident that had killed Inniva's mother had been a result of such greed; a neighbouring kingdom had tried to kidnap the queen, but as she fought back, they accidentally killed her instead. Now, Inniva knew if she told others outside of the royal bloodline about the latest spell, the other women in the bloodline would be in danger - and they would have much less protection than the Queen too.
So the Queen took credit for the brightening of the Orb, and the royal sisters of Lunisis kept their secret. And so it continues to be so, upto out own generation. My sweet Esta has given her life for her country, and in the siege so have your aunts. You, Melody, are the last remaining royal sister of Lunisis, the last Queen to work the Orb. You must in turn pass it on.." His voice trailed off, and there was once more silence in the inky darkness of the prison cell.
"Farewell, my dear sister." He said, his words simple yet ringing with a sense of finality.

"Though it's unlikely we shall meet again, brother, I wish you well." Her voice rang with resolution; although her brother may be facing death tomorrow, and she may be facing a husband she would gladly choose death over, Melody knew her duties.
She would pass on the magic.




Okay, so I just made that up right this night. I actually made it up along the way, so I'm sorry if there are any inconsistencies or typos. I'd greatly appreciate feedback :]

Edit: Re-read and changed some typos, and gave it better spacing :]
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 24, 2010 7:38 pm
Hmm this is nice. I like it. I feel though like the ending should have been placed towards the beginning. I mean, I dig the entire 'darkness' aspect, since both the reader and the girl are lost, but I feel like too many specific things are named, leaving the reader super lost. It's kinda why when I write short stories, I tend to ignore details, just sort of a nuisance. In this case, I feel like there would need to be more information, but I don't know how to actually add it in without damaging the whole vibe you got going on.

Otherwise, though, it's good. Reminded me of that one scene in Twilight Princess, when you're in Wolf form and trapped in the prison, haha.  

Culex Xeluc


charbookwyrm

PostPosted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 4:43 am
This is really good. You manage to fit a lot into a short story, but it doesn't feel overwhelming for me at any point. There are a couple of superfluous details which are a bit tell-y (like the names of the founding monarchs, but otherwise I found the level of detail perfectly fine. The things they talked about sounded natural in conversation - even with the formality - which is always nice to see.
A couple of small points:
Can a whisper be rich? I'm genuinely not sure.
This section - " she was shocked, and rightfully so; When the closest relation to the monarchs of a kingdom goes missing right before the fall of said monarchs, that relation is disguised well. The Lady knew she had kept her guise for over 2 years, but suddenly a man she could not even see somehow knew her?" - feels a little awkwardly phrased to me. Perhaps you could rework it?
"it's been your favorite legend since you were a child, that's for sure" - 'that's for sure' seems a bit too casual considering how formal the rest of his speech is.
I know it's only a legend, but if a ten year old Inniva is responsible, dedicated and intelligent enough - i.e. adult enough - to create a hugely complex spell by herself, surely she'd be able to control the orb alone? Maybe she could call her wisest aunts to help her instead, or something similar.
Otherwise, I enjoyed the story, and you've come up with some really interesting characters and situations.  
PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:00 am
I liked this even though I didn't really understand it... Fully... I liked the detailing, although a little less proper names would have helped me in particular.
I also thought the way she asked Fureo to tell her the story of the Orb could have used a clearer reference to the past, to show that it was Fureo in particular that told her.
Otherwise I loved it! It was weaved gracefully and I, personally, liked the flow of events.  

Ninja Baby Blues

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