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| Does it suck? |
| Sorry...but...yeah, it does....Suck |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| It's alright, but I don't think I would read more... |
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16% |
[ 1 ] |
| What? Why did you stop? |
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83% |
[ 5 ] |
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| Total Votes : 6 |
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 Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:11 pm
So, I have decided to try my hand at writing about one of my characters in D&D... ...BUT... I don't consider myself a very great writer... I really just want to try though, and maybe I won't be so bad. I need people to let me know if my opener makes you want to find out about her, or go to sleep. So please let me know what impression you get. I want honesty too, because I really don't want to waste my time writing something that no one would ever really want to read. At least post in the poll up top if you won't offer any feedback down below please... and Thanks. Here goes... edited She sat on the beach, her toes wiggling in the foam left on the sand as the tide rolled away. [edited in]It was a rather secluded place ragged cliffs to her north and forests to her south. Not much happened here, but it was a picturesque place that supplied what she needed to live. [/edit][edited in]Although they still made her nervous [/edit], she had gotten used to the few fishermen who used this beach.[ Daily they set out on their quest for the largest catches, and Already their sails were small white flecks against the contrasting blues of the ocean and early morning sky. Her stomach growled startling her from her morning reverie. She stood and brushed the sand from her backside, and looked around to see if anyone was near to observe her. When she was quite satisfied that she was alone, she dove into a small tidal pool at the base of the nearby cliffs, and slipped into a small and miraculously well hidden hole. [paragraph edited]A couple of strokes brought the girl into a rather large cavern, her very own sanctuary. She wiped the hair away from her eyes, and waited a few seconds for them to adjust to the dim light filtering through the cracks in the walls. She walked over to a crude rack where kelp was hanging to dry, and selected from what was available. Her attention was then focused on rummaging through a leather satchel she had found on the beach long ago. After a few moments of digging, the girl finally found what she was looking for, a long slender knife. She then walked to her secret entrance and peered into the pool. The light reflecting from the rising sun outside made the water glow beautiful shades of blue and green. Her business wasn't there to admire the colors though, and within seconds she had skewered several crustaceans all the way down the length of her knife. Another moment passed and she was happily wrapping her still twitching catch in strands of salty seaweed to devour. She picked the shells off of her tongue as she finished each mouthful. As her morning repast came to its conclusion, she began to feel restless, as young people tend to do when left to their own devises. Rinsed her fingers and her blade off in the small pool she completed her mealtime ritual. She then replaced the knife in her bag before slipping back into the pool to make her return into the daylight.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:26 pm
I like it.
As a critique though I'd suggest staying with some of the details. It adds sensory experience as well as makes it more coherent. In the beginning you start by introducing your primary character but you don't really stay with her.
It would make more sense to me if you were to omit the opening sentence because as it stands it's in contrast to the rest of the paragraph, which is a much more general image. Bringing the fishermen in after the opening doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. (I actually do like the way you open it though so maybe you could just stay there for a moment longer before moving on)
So yeah, I'd just suggest keeping track of what you're describing as well as be consistent with your descriptions. Right now it's sort of scattered.
Another thing you can do is play with the tenses, just for an idea. For a narrative it can add to the effect if it's written in present tense.
That said I do like the way you work with your words. It's fitting and it works well.
And yeah, definitely just keep writing. If it's something you want to do it's good to work at it.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:43 pm
Thank you very much for helping me out...
I think that if I post more of my story, you may see why the people being present on the beach would play in, but as an opener, I was kinda hoping to give a perspective of the things she would be interested in noticing.
...but, I also see what you are saying as well, and it might should be worked in later, I just am unsure how to go about it.
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Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 2:10 pm
2nd installment She slowly crested the surface of the water when she reached daylight's side of her tidal pool. She cautiously peered over the lip or the pool. No one was on the beach so she hauled herself out of the water, and swung her feet up into the sand once again. She had lived on this beach as long as she could remember. Ever since she was small. She had no family she could remember, which was strange. She had excellent memory. It was only within the last few seasons that offerings of food and clothing left at the edge of her cave's entrance had ceased. The shift she wore now, once fine and thick, was beginning to feel tight and threadbare. As was her wont, when boredom beset her, she began to sing. Even though she had a destination, her daily routine was extremely predictable and rather dull. She continued on her way towards the grove of oaks not overly far from the beaches sands. There was a freshwater spring there, and sometimes, on occasion, a bit of welcome company. She walked into the treeline and walked down a well worn path. She heard a few whispers and giggles and she smiled to herself. At least today she didn't have to stay entirely alone. She walked to the edge of the spring, and said a quiet and reverent thank you to the oaks for the protection of her source of water. She slowly dipped her cupped hands onto the water and then lifted them to her lips. She savored the cool, clean water as it slid down her throat, chin, and neck. She felt a flutter of air on the back of her neck, and a whisper in her ear. It took a moment for the whisper of air to form words, but when it did, she could understand perfectly... "Why, dear Chorale, are your fine clothes so worn? Why is your beautiful black hair so forlorn? Have you come to grief by human men? Or are you just getting lazy then?" Chorale stiffened. Her hands self consciously went up to her hair as her eyes dropped to her clothing. She felt her face getting hot, and her eyes filling with water. "Yfas, this is all I have now. Why do you torment me before greeting me?" "Dear-heart, I meant not to torment you..." the air shimmered behind Chorale. "I am concerned for you." A beautiful form solidified, and a woman embraced the girl from behind. Yfas was clothed in what appeared to be gossamer, and not much at that. Even when Chorale beheld her, she felt intense longing to be a part of her; a feeling that she had only vaguely felt for men any other time. The Fae woman normally did not show her bodily form to the girl, but Chorale's distress had reached her. "If I had a daughter such as you..." Yfas' breezy voice trailed off as she realized the potential in such a remark to induce more despair in the young girl... Yet the unfinished sentence only produced a confused look on Chorale's face, and before the meaning could sink in, Yfas was changing the subject. "You should eat some fruit, love, you are looking a bit sallow. Surely from all the salt, I'm sure." As Yfas adjusted to her physical form, her voice and mannerisms also became more substantial. "Come love, you are a teenager now, and a bit of adventure will do you some good." Chorale, still confused, tensed once again, her eyes darting to the path that would lead her back to her safe beach. The frightful temptation of something new, and the form of the beautiful sylph kept her instincts in check though. "I've never been beyond the grove. I have everything I need here." She cast her eyes to her feet as she felt her face flushing once again for reasons unbeknownst to her. Yfas' laughter rang through the oaks, and other feminine voices took up the clarion, "You may think so, but you are getting to an age where you will soon learn otherwise." Other forms began to emerge from the trees. Women clad in leaves and bark and vines. Beautiful women, and girls as well, began to fill the grove, and with them came fruit, and laughter. "We will not go alone then," Yfas eyes twinkled as the horror in Chorale's eyes faded with the taste of a fresh apple.
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Chieftain Twilight Captain
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Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:01 pm
I'm enjoying this. I want to see more, to delve into this character. keep going! you are getting to th parts where who she is and her background are unfolding.
my advice, keep those two intertwined as much as possible... weave in her history bit by bit while you develop her.
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Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:38 pm
Yeah, thanks Twi. I will be posting more, as soon as I can get to it. It seems that the LCD on my laptop is about done in, and I can only get it to work long enough for my computer to boot, but it always blinks out within 2 to 3 minutes of being on.
I was hoping to use some money I was saving for a graphics tablet. Now it looks like I will be replacing my screen. gonk
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Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:01 pm
Just read the intro for now, it's good and interesting and i'm curious about why the hell she's eating fish things. But a few things i just want to point out:
"She wiped the hair away from her eyes, and waited a few seconds for them to adjust to the dim light filtering through the cracks in the walls. She walked over to a crude rack, where she had hung kelp to dry. She selected from what she had, and then went to rummage through a leather sachel she had found on the beach long ago."
Every sentence here starts with 'she', repetition is very noticable... at least for me, in a written story like this and it really makes the writting a little bland and simply, try starting with different words rather than the same thing over again. It's hard but with practice you'll be able to do it easily.
"When she was quite satisfied that she was alone, she dove into a small tidal pool at the base of the nearby cliffs..."
I don't know if it was just me, but I got confused here, you introduced her at a beach, then suddenly you throw in some cliffs and i got my imagery confused there for a second. Is the beach at the base of the cliffs? Are they somewhere off to the side? And for one wierd moment, i was thinking, did she jump of a cliff? I think it may need some revising.
*goes off to read the next part of the story*
you've got a different writing style from what I usually read, I think you should keep writing, sounds good, some points are slightly hasy, but i think my little bro's singing is just distracting me...
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Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:41 pm
Thanks Gashe. Now that you have pointed that out, it is kinda bothersome. I will see what I can do about it sweatdrop although, I am rather new at this. I suppose I need to describe her surroundings a bit more as well.
As for writing style. I like to dive into a story, and introduce the character from there. I like stories like that because they give the illusion of first person when actually telling in 3rd (kinda).
I get bored when a story starts with 2 chapters of telling height, weight, hair/eye/clothing color, and all the nuances of the character before getting into what is actually happening. I guess I'm a product of the microwave age, and I want everything now. rolleyes
I'm so used to TTRP and having people ask me questions as we go, that I really do need this kind of feedback, and I really do appreciate it. heart
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Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 8:04 pm
Alright, I replaced several "she's" but now they are standing out so bad. LOL
I think I need to rewrite some more to get rid of more, but I have to get back to my lappy. I think I found it's problem, and hopefully I am about to find that I have everything all better.
Then I will be able to get more of my story up. xd
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