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hey!
so hears the dealy
I Like gaming, writing and designing impossible clothes and strange dolls
if you ask somebody at my school to describe me in one word (people have) you get:
freak
weird
different
nerd
and worse words
I feel like an outcast, cus I'm not in any of the "popular" crowds *cough*chavs and bimbos*cough*
I can never think of the right thing to say, and whatever I say is heavily critisized, We read out our work in english, for the "popular" people everyone shuts their traps and listens, and praises them, when it's my turn, most people start talking at the top of their voices critisizing my work, I admit sometimes I deserve it (but I personally think Gary mu the rabbit boy is a kick-a** name for a goldfish) and point out stupid problems like, pausing too long at the end of a sentance or not breathing properly. at the beginning of secondary school I kept to myself, cus I'm seriously shy, people asked my primary school mates why and they said I was an emo, and people asked me questions like "how often do you slit your wrists?" or "can I see your suicide notes?" and I told them that it could be pretty insulting to some people, they need support, not snide comments, I got laughed at, I can tell you I'm not an emo. I have friends but they get all this crap to, My boyfriend is hated by most of the school, my best friend feels like she's surrounded by idiots (I've seen her class, she is). I can't walk down a corridor without hearing a rumour about myself, and it makes me really paranoid and one time, a jerk in my class ushed me down the stairs and told me it was accidental, but I heared him boasting to his friends about it later. I got glasses one day and when I went to school, people laughed.
I'm a bad person, I envy nearly every girl in my year, they all seem to be smarter than me, prettier than me and better than me, I especially envy one girl called carly, she's practically perfect, she can sing, dance, she's a cheerleader, can wear clothes I could never ever wear, she gets 6as (A* equivelent at my school) in every subject, she's in top set for every subject (except english) and she has tons of friends (but I even hear her so called "friends" bitching about her behind her back, I hear lots of things most people don't) I'm none of these things (yeah appanrently I can sing, but NOBODY LISTENS!). I strifle laughter whenever one of the jerks I hate gets a detention, I get into fights, I punched a kid in the year below me because he kept calling me a boy and stalking me. My friends have to sit on me every time somebody calls me a retard to stop me biting them.
Sometimes I would give anything to start again, wipe the slate clean and be somebody else, it has become clear to me that nobody will see me as anything but a freak for the rest of my time at school and maybe after. I want to buy a wig and contact lenses and change my name. I sometimes fantasize about dying and being reincarnated as somebody special, or at least be the same as everybody else
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