Green Gafas...Garden jokes and anticdotes

[One Witchy Woman]

Share your funny garden humor or gardening stories here for our entertainment. Let us laugh at your pain...come on...you know you want to. Muwahahahahaha.........

 

[One Witchy Woman]

Now THIS is an eco-friendly car...


I wonder if they have to mow this thing.

 

[One Witchy Woman]

So true story...
A family friend asked me to help them with their garden. This was code for ‘Plant my flowers and weed my garden while babysitting my toddler’. About halfway through the planting I couldn’t find the boy so I went looking and found him sitting under a tree turning up the potted plants. I asked what he was doing.
“Eatin’.”
“ What are you eating?”
He spits in his hand and holds it out to me. In it is a half eaten slug. I was disgusted but being that he is four “What does it taste like?”
His reply:”worms.”
See, I’m NOT the worst babysitter ever.  

[xena91388]

- Xena's Adventures in Gardening -

Round 1:

When I was little, my sister and I wanted to grow flowers. My dad went through the trouble of setting up this neat watering system for us under a tree and built two plots for us. Squirrels ate everything that sprouted no matter what we did.


Round 2:

I absolutely love the idea of vegetable gardens. When I was in high-school I decided to start my own veggy garden and I had everything all planned out: Location, layout, pest control, group growing, etc. . .

I picky a half sunny half shady spot next to my house, fenced the entire area in chicken wire and strung fishing line overhead to keep out crows and waited until planting season. Then I tilled the soil and replaced half the topsoil with Miracle Grow Gardening Top Soil. Finally I planted my stuff: Watermelons, cantaloupe, tomatoes, beans, strawberries, corn, broccoli, lettuce, onions, parsley, sunflowers, and carrots.

After a couple weeks everything sprouted and I did a happy dance. A few more weeks later, everything was still sprout tiny and had no growth of any kind except the strawberries and tomatoes. Seriously! I might as well have had a freaking bonsai garden with how much the plants grew! They had plenty of room, sunlight, fertilizer, and water but except for the tomatoes everything was miniaturized! I Ieft the plants alone for then entire season thinking maybe they just take a really long time to grow but they never did! They went from the end of February to October without getting much taller, the corn and sunflowers were barely a foot high! Then they all suddenly died one day as if there had been a frost but it's still pretty warm in FL in October! crying

Only the tomatoes thrived even long after I had abandoned my garden.

I know my yard is fertile because wild plants grow like crazy and got a boost from the goats I used to keep. Black berries and scuppernog grapes grow abundantly like nobodies business!  

[One Witchy Woman]

I bet you planted them in the wrong season. Did you remember the plant your ground plants on mounds? Racy yet funny tomato joke in honor of your tomatoes...

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so,'' she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''  

[xena91388]

Lol, I've heard that joke before rofl

I live in Florida, Witchy. Planting season can technically be all year except the dead of winter. The official planting season is considered between February and April, I planted my garden at the end of February since we had a particularly warm winter.

And yes, I had mounds. I lived in a heavily agricultural county surrounded by melon fields and cow pastures. I tried every suggestion given to me at the time but my plants just refused to get big. They did ripened, I was able to eat my broccoli and a hand-full of beans but everything stayed baby sized.

One Witchy Woman

 

[One Witchy Woman]

xena91388

Lol, I've heard that joke before rofl

I live in Florida, Witchy. Planting season can technically be all year except the dead of winter. The official planting season is considered between February and April, I planted my garden at the end of February since we had a particularly warm winter.

And yes, I had mounds. I lived in a heavily agricultural county surrounded by melon fields and cow pastures. I tried every suggestion given to me at the time but my plants just refused to get big. They did ripened, I was able to eat my broccoli and a hand-full of beans but everything stayed baby sized.

One Witchy Woman

After reading of your petite produce I posted some info in the guide you might check out. See if any of it helps so that you can have some vivacious veggies next time. And don't be afraid to start you some seedlings in cardboard egg cartons this winter. Happy Gardening.  

[xena91388]

Does no one else in this guild have some funny anecdotes?

I'll insert some Redneck tree removal gardening.

Remember this Law of Lulz: If you see a group of Rednecks gathered together with the purpose of accomplishing a major DIY and there is beer and/or heavy machinery involved, GRAB A CAMERA and stand a safe distance away.

Once upon a time, three pine trees, that were joined at the base, suddenly fell down behind my house. They were so close that had they fallen forward instead of to the side, they would have broken the house clean in half like tissue paper. There was a fourth pine tree next to them that had my mom worried would soon fall on the house right over my bedroom so she told my father to get rid of it. Rather than search for a tree removal specialist and pay big bucks, my dad called his Redneck buddy who brought along his obligatory pick-up, brother, father, chainsaw, and of course a six-pack of beer.

Their plan was to tie the tree to the truck with chains and have the truck pull it away from the house with two men controlling it on ropes and one person sawing the base. Sounds simple right? Well the tree decided to troll them and spun around like a ballerina before falling entirely in the opposite direction, pulling the truck and men with it for several feet and landing on the branch of an ancient oak tree.

Since the tree could still roll down the branch and damage the house, they decided it had to be cut down. So one idiot brave soul went up the oak tree to cut off the branch the pine was resting on. Instead of cutting it off at the trunk, he climbed out to the middle (with no safety gear) where the pine tree had landed, completely forgetting about the effects of gravity on long bendy objects and what happens to said bendy objects when their weight burdens are suddenly removed. The second he cut through the branch, he was instantly catapulted ten feet into the air (chainsaw still running) with his arms and legs flailing madly and then dropped straight down to the hard, hard ground (roughly 20-25 feet including the 10ft launch) with the chainsaw barely missing him.

It was a bit scary to watch when it happened but since no one was badly injured and nothing was damaged except for the oak tree, I can't stop laughing insanely every time I remember it. To save a hundred bucks on tree removal, they risked thousands of dollars in repairs and medical expenses.  

[One Witchy Woman]

OMG!!!!!! That is SO funny! Too bad you couldn't get a video of it. I'm glad no one was hurt. Hope they remembered to paint tree stop on the stumps so the trees dont grow back. Tar and outdoor house paint work too.  

[xena91388]

Rednecks, Witchy, Rednecks. There was no sealing of any kind for this DIY. rofl

The three trees that fell didn't need anything since they tore out of the ground completely and we left the stump of the cut one for our goats to climb and pick at, they prevented any resprouting.

One Witchy Woman

OMG!!!!!! That is SO funny! Too bad you couldn't get a video of it. I'm glad no one was hurt. Hope they remembered to paint tree stop on the stumps so the trees dont grow back. Tar and outdoor house paint work too.

 

[xena91388]

I got a notice that said you quoted me. . . but there is no quote. . . . and eggs everywhere! D: I'm losing it! burning_eyes