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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:11 pm
I have the story almost done, but I might need someone to have it looked over before I post up the story. I tried my best with the story, but I think that it might need something more. Plus, I need some grammar correcting in case I missed something. I can help by giving the details of the characters if there anything that might help for the story.
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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:23 pm
Sondra Starfire I have the story almost done, but I might need someone to have it looked over before I post up the story. I tried my best with the story, but I think that it might need something more. Plus, I need some grammar correcting in case I missed something. I can try and help you smile
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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:30 pm
Here the story. I might have left off some details, but was having a hard time with writerblock which drove me nuts. I guess, I was punching myself too hard. It might help if I can give you the details of the characters if that helps? Quote: Once upon a time there was a Castle, that lay in the center of a majestic forest. There lived two vampires. The older one was named Shido, and the other was named Lucas. The two vampires were cousins, and were descendents from long powerful bloodline of the Macravein clan. The Macraven clan are the most powerful, well respected skilled warrior's in the top rates, perfectly skilled in combat of arts. Both cousins are intelligent and are horrible men, but with different personality. Shido is wise and kind. For Lucas, he was fierce and straightforward, but in truth, he is a charismatic and neutral that know one has ever seen true side. One day, Shido was out for a stroll though the forest until he caught a slight of a human girl laying in the middle of the dirted road. Injured and unconscious, he brought the human girl back to the castle to have her nurse to health. later, the human girl was fully recovered, but sadly, the human girl had no family, and had nowhere else to go. Pitying the girl, he offer a position as a caretaker in the mansion. At first, it had cost in uproar with the clan, and Lucas was not pleased with his cousin choice in letting a human stay in the mansion, but Shido ensured them that the human was no threat to the clan. Though, this was the first time that a human has stayed in the castle, but were willing give the human a chance. As the weeks passed, many had grown a liking to the girl kind and cheerfulness nature, but Lucas was cold towards the human girl, and kept his distance as much as possible. One day, Lucas has gotten injured from an accent, and the human girl wanted to help him. At first, Lucas did not want help from a human but the girl kept being assisted. Not wanting to cost a fuss, he decide to let the human care for him as he recovered from his injures. While doing that the human girl would go and see Shido from time to time in his studies, bringing him tea and having long conversation. After that, she would go back on check on Lucas to see if he needed anything. For weeks, both men had tried to stay focus on their task, but both cousins couldn't help but think about the human girl. They couldn't deny of their feelings for the strange the girl. No matter how much that they had tried to to put their feelings aside, both had failed. In the end, both Shido and Lucas had became infatuated with the human girl. As many months passed, Shido was chosen as leader for the clan. Everyone was over-enjoyed, Expect for one, as Lucas was not pleased. One stormy night, while Shido was away. The human girl noticed the charge in Lucas, and was deeply concerned. The human girl decide to have a conversation with him, and to see what was troubling him. Lucas had admitted his feelings for her, and that he was in love with her. The human girl was pleased to hear his love for her, but sadly the human girl was in love with his cousin. Once he returns, they were planning to wed. This made Lucas even more furious and the girl fate ended with unsuspected tragically. As Shido returned from his journey, he noticed that something was amiss. One of his clan members informed him of the events that has happened. The clan had searched everywhere for Lucas, but in the end his whereabouts remained unknown. As many years passed, Lucas had return and has waged war on the Macravein clan, and promised his cousin that he will take everything that he held dear, and make him suffer. Now, both cousins have became sworn enemies.
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 5:23 pm
I reedit my post. Just let you know.
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Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 8:02 pm
Ah, are you still here? If not, than is there someone out there that can help me?
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Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 12:07 am
((been a while since i posted in this guild but w/e))
I think the person helping you is either pre-occupied ATM or is busy looking over the story more than once. Though I could give my quick overlook of it if you still want it. NOTE: Take most of what i say lightly and any jokes i made are purely based on 'Satire'.
[There lived two vampires. The older one was named Shido, and the other was named Lucas. The two vampires were cousins, and were descendents from long powerful bloodline of the Macravein clan. The Macraven clan are the most powerful, well respected skilled warrior's in the top rates, perfectly skilled in combat of arts.] While I kind of hate the inflation of Vampire Stories (I kind of like to keep a very big chain on lore) but Vampires from what I know do not have a large "Warrior" martial arts standard. The majority of what i have seen/read/looked up is that Vampires are more into the Dark Arks. They would rather cast magic fire balls or summon a hoard of bats to create a blanket to blind their foes. They do have strong physical strength but that would be when they morph their bodies to be more "Demon" like such as growing longer nails, have huge muscles and sport horns or sharp teeth. However it's more brutal than Martial Arts. I can also go against the rules and possibly claim that times have moved on and instead of being brute like of their former selves, they could of refined their skills to show they can blend better with the crowd or better control their anger. Many times the vampires tend to only go brute like if their emotions go out of control and see the enemy as more than I must kill you.
But enough talk, this is okay if you plan it right as if they do interact with the civilians in the day (though now I am going into Chibi Vampire Territory with the whole "Vampires at young age can stand light" theory) or some other way to hone their skills. Vampires, as powerful and smart as they are, sometimes need tutors to teach them.
Forgive me for talking about vampires like this, but I just wanted to throw out what I think of them. I could type a lot more even explaining the whole "Running Stream" Theory but screw it.
[One day, Shido was out for a stroll though the forest until he caught a slight of a human girl laying in the middle of the dirted road-] HIT THE DECK! [Injured and unconscious, he brought the human girl back to the castle to have her nurse to health. later, the human girl was fully recovered, but sadly, the human girl had no family, and had nowhere else to go-] Stop...Stop...How old is this girl?
[Pitying the girl, he offer a position as a caretaker in the mansion.] -_-
[At first, it had cost in uproar with the clan, and Lucas was not pleased with his cousin choice in letting a human stay in the mansion, but Shido ensured them that the human was no threat to the clan. Though, this was the first time that a human has stayed in the castle, but were willing give the human a chance.] And we all know humans can be trusted! /sarcasm
Seriously though, Vampires may not be 100% good either but they do anything to keep themselves hidden and prevent vital information from being sent out. If anything, the vote would be 99% kill the girl and take her blood while the 1% to let her stay as a 'prisoner' would go to Shido. And then the story ends on the quickest note.
Though that is the more realistic side and stories can have it's turn of events...even though if most can be downright bullshit.
[As the weeks passed, many had grown a liking to the girl kind and cheerfulness nature] Unless this girl is a succubus, i doubt it...
[For weeks, both men had tried to stay focus on their task, but both cousins couldn't help but think about the human girl-] HIT THE DECK!....AGAIN!
[They couldn't deny of their feelings for the strange the girl. No matter how much that they had tried to to put their feelings aside, both had failed. In the end, both Shido and Lucas had became infatuated with the human girl.] If you explain more detail how this works the yes it will work. Hell the son of Dracula in some stories (Alucard) is sometimes said to be born from a Human mother and is considered half human, though more in tune with the Vampire inside. I bring that up to say that Vampires can feel for humans but it's RARE.
[As many months passed, Shido was chosen as leader for the clan] I hope it's explained more, like the last leader died or something happened to him. Maybe even stepping down.
[One stormy night, while Shido was away. The human girl noticed the charge in Lucas, and was deeply concerned. The human girl decide to have a conversation with him, and to see what was troubling him. Lucas had admitted his feelings for her, and that he was in love with her. The human girl was pleased to hear his love for her, but sadly the human girl was in love with his cousin. Once he returns, they were planning to wed.
This made Lucas even more furious and the girl fate ended with unsuspected tragically.
As Shido returned from his journey, he noticed that something was amiss. One of his clan members informed him of the events that has happened. The clan had searched everywhere for Lucas, but in the end his whereabouts remained unknown.
As many years passed, Lucas had return and has waged war on the Macravein clan, and promised his cousin that he will take everything that he held dear, and make him suffer.
Now, both cousins have became sworn enemies] I copy the rest to give some more words to read but not take as truth... You should start off with making about 5 pages devoted to this whole introduction to explain in more detail. We need to know the human's age and even her name. We should get to know more of the personality of both brothers so we can make our own predictions of who would 'win'.
I hope you write out a sort of three or five chapter pre-narrative to help get us up to speed with the main story so we can get a better idea and feeling for the characters, otherwise it would seem like this. "This vampire is different from that vampire. That vampire likes woman. Other vampire hate woman cause human. Human soon grows on other Vampire. Other Vampire hates vampire for being leader. Leader vampire goes away. Other vampire tells Human he love her. Human rejects Vampire's love. OTHER VAMPIRE SMASH! Lead Vampire broken and is ANGRY! Now Vampire and other vampire are enemies over dead human!"
Or so what i have read from the summary. If you indeed wrote up some pre-chapters then kuddos! Otherwise, you should get on that so we are not scratching our heads initially.
- Parth Makeo
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Posted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:54 pm
I am planning on reediting and changing the story a little. I was trying to keep the girl a mystery, but was having trouble cause I didn't want to reveal her name or age.
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Posted: Wed Mar 06, 2013 4:57 pm
Actually, just have this thread delete. I'm going to redo the story.
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