[火] Obsidian Valley || » Natural Dojo [Fort]

[Dopy Grimes]

Lanfaer

Chet would dig with his bare hands the graves for each one of the fallen little people. As a matter of fact I think a name should be given to them now that they were all together with Chet in his outrageous journey. "We should name that Butt Stallions." Chet would propose with a look of accomplishment and not the face of someone that just actually said that. Maybe if he asked them what their tribe was called he'd- "Nope they're all Butt Stallions." Weren't you crying over their deaths just moments ago? "Yeah I'm over it. Didn't you hear hooks? Det is only teh beginin man." He does not sound like Nigerian Knuckles you absolute bafoon. "Du u no da wey narrata?"


"Alright party people. Listen the ******** up. Elfman translate accordingly." Chet began pacing in front of the Little People while going through with his speech. "We're in the middle of a God damn war." Chet motioned with his hands to perform a chop of sorts. "Now when I look at the people in this room you know what I see?" Chet looks over at Elfman. "You know what I see, Elfman?" Without waiting for the small doll's response, Chet answered his own question. "A room full of God Damn warriors! A group of mean green bean eatin' MACHINES! Those things came into our home and murdered our brothers and or maybe sisters- I dunno how y'all identify genderwise and we'll get to that later- and ran way like a bunch of BITCHES! Now I dunno about you but I'm hungry. Hungry for some good ol VENGEANCE! These things are ********' up these lands that at one point looked so good you could ******** in em. Now they look like dog s**t on top of some fresh vomit!" Chet continued pacing before stopping in front of one of the Little People. "This mother ******** right here. I saw him fighting." That was a lie. "This dude is a KILLER! Pure unhinged instinct. I need all of you to be. Like. Him. I wanna organize a group. An elite group of warriors that will join me on my journey into the unknown of this s**t stain of a planet we live and find out what the ******** is goin' on. I also want to organize an elite group of defenders to hold this base down while we're gone. You guys wanna keep hiding? Or do you wanna take destiny by the balls and make it beg for mercy? I WANNA HEAR SOME SCREAMS PEOPLE!"

 

[Lanfaer]

_______________The Narrator Screams... ||

tab Chet's tirade was listened to with intensity, though more for his physical movements than the verbal response given none of them understood. When he finished, arms in the air, the expectation of their cheering met with stone cold silence because, as said previous, they couldn't understand. And so Chet stood there, glee on his face, arms raised in triumph, until the Elf began his recitation, mimicing Chet's movements and actions, his intonation, while the group watched in silence. Only when he finished did they raise their left arms in unison, each movement practiced, and slammed their fists against their chests. The sound of metal clashing resounded through the dojo before there was a loud "Huh!", an exhalation of their anger, their rage, and a proclamation of solidarity. This was followed by another clang, another roar, followed by a slam of one foot. They continued over and over, steadily moving through acceptance, through their dance.
tab Over the clangor the Elf roared with laughter and explained. "They're ready, boss! Ready to follow you. The others will follow once we leave, the ones you buried, but I don't know how."
tab
tab

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malavaes

 

[Dopy Grimes]

Lanfaer

"HOOOO BABY! MY d**k JUST GOT ROCK HARD!" Chet shouted along the others with his arms raised in triumph. The world was not ready for the chaos the boy was about to plunge it in with his group of warriors. Or would he bring about peace as he did back in his old life with the bears? And just as they all cheered something odd manifested itself into the world. It immediately drew Chet's attention. "What the ********?" He frowned looking over at a random corner of the dojo. A long top hat had seemingly appeared out of thin air. A flat monotone and honestly uninspired trumpet sound echoed in his mind and the mind of those that looked at it. "Did someone lose their %$*#% woah what the ********?" It seemed like merely mentioning the $)#@*$@ caused the speakers voice to become the trumpet. "Yo Elfman. Go check that s**t out. If it's a monster you'll be the bait." Chet ordered.

 

[Lanfaer]

_______________The Narrator Screams... ||

tab The shelf elf looked at the hat like some sort of sentient doll filled with sass and a**. Oh, wait, that's exactly what he was. Either way, he didn't appreciate being used as a guinea pig and he had every intention of telling Chet this and informing him of the clinically correct place to put his ideas whilst his legs actually moved him closer to the object. "You know, Chetboy, I may be an immortal doll, but that doesn't mean you get to use me as your little taste tester!" Except as he raised his hand to gesture at Chet to show him just how serious he was being he realized he was already holding the hat and was, indeed, gesturing with the hat towards Chet. Eyes wide with rage he swung the hat like a frisbee, and was kinda sorta not surprised that despite the gesture the hat was already on his head. At this point he threw up his hands at the collected children and proclaimed in a rage "What is this, a sitcom?!" before glaring in ******** at Chet and gesturing with a particular finger. "Bruh, this is your fault, I know it!" Bruh? Bruh. It worked.
tab The gathered Children began to file up, standing in rank and file while awaiting final orders as the elf acted out his strange, sick, twisted fantasies.
tab

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malavaes

 

[Dopy Grimes]

Lanfaer

A nice fire cracks beneath the chimney. You can practically smell it from your home. The camera slowly moves away from the fire revealing a room with a sofa in the center and Chet sitting casually on it. He wore a light blue cardigan, khaki pants and some nice cookie monster slippers. The boy was surrounded by what could only be described as the items you'd find at your grandmother's home or at the set of a kids show. His smile was glorious and he emitted an aura of wisdom. "Oh well hi. Didn't see you there." He started. His voice being recorded through technology used throughout the 70's giving it a grainy feel. His voice was as smooth and calm as Bob Ross'. "We at $@@% productions value a lot of things. We take these values as our mold blocks you see. Without them we wouldn't be what we are today and among these many values there are two key values I'd like to highlight today. Honor and friendship. Now on the same page we here at !@#! can only associate with those who uphold the same values and standards otherwise we'd be...Well hypocrites haha. Ain't that right, Elfman?" Chet asked gently turning his head to the right to hear his fellow elf friends reply. "THERE IS SO MUCH COCAINE BACK HERE CHETMAN HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Chet turned around with the same calm, serene expression. "Hoho. That silly Elfman. Anyways, keeping this in mind, we have decided to no longer use the format that gave us all so much joy to look at. We do not condone certain decisions and actions made by the creator of said format and will no longer be using it. But do not worry a new one is underway as l speak." Chet's legs that were crossed up until that point would uncross themselves and then recross in one seamless transition. "That's all for today kids. See you all around this crazy world of ours and remember. Keep it classy Sandiego." He winks and the camera slowly moves towards the fire again.


Chet looked at his new family and time seemed to slow down for a second. Elfman had a new @#!#@* and people were actually willing to follow him. "Whoa." He mumbled letting it all soak in. "Alright Hooks. You're the Captain of your people. You will keep the fort secure while we go out into the world and figure out what in the ******** ******** happened to it and claim it as our own. I need the most fearless of your warriors to come with me. The journey out there will not be easy." Chet was thinking about how much he wanted to drink something with alcohol in it. Or eat something in general it had been a while since he'd eaten something.

 

[Lanfaer]

_______________The Narrator Screams... ||

tab Hootsyook nodded shortly and moved towards the mounds that had been laid for their brethren, though as he approached the mounds began to move. He came upon the mounds and held up his hands to the side, almost in a sign of peace, to show he meant no harm. Perhaps in a way that was it's intention. But that intention was proven correct as something that reeked of burning flesh rose from the mounds, rising in a swirling helix of ash. It rose against the laws of physics, ignoring gravity as it coalesced, compression...becoming something...else. Slowly the ash took a form similar to that of a man, of one of the fallen people, but it looked weak, indistinct. Together the children came together, holding out their hands as the metal poured from their bodies, spilling onto the earth that lay around the risen fallen. Three in total, they waited as the metal rose around them, rose larger than any of the others, as large as the largest Oni Chet had ever seen. It formed into a suit of bulky, thick metal armor, as full as any plate mail. For several moments there was silence, followed by all of them, except Hootsyook, dropping to their knees while the helmets of the armor lit up like the hearts of a kindled forge. The armor looked much like the armors of men from ancient days, though how they would know the design was impossible to tell.
tab Hootsyook raised a hand to the three as they watched, and the three raised their hands as well to match. There was silence, and finally, at last, the three knelt with fists to their heart in unison, and turned their helmets to Chet. Without looking Hootsyook began to speak, and the elf looked on in shock before shaking his head and explaining. "These boys just became adults! Apparently they are some sort of sentient fire? No...not fire. That which fire leaves as it burns. Ash? They are master metal workers, and apaprently their forms comes with knowledge of battle. He said they'll go with you and guard you, and learn what you can teach. Pretty nifty, honestly. 'Parently they can come back from the dead. Go figure!"

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malavaes

 

[Dopy Grimes]

Lanfaer

"Tony get the ********' angles right or I swear to christ I'm gonna do some nasty s**t your mother and ********' facetime you while I'm doing it!" Chet ordered behind his desk while several cameras in front of him chaotically changed positions and the people behind the camera ran back and forth all yelling and shouting technical lingo. "And where in the flying ******** is Elfman?! We're going live and that a*****e still isn't here!" Almost as if on queue the shelf elf known as Elfman would crash into the set with booze in one hand and cocaine in the other. "HOLY s**t I AM SO ********- GGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAH! Let's GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD BABY I AM ON FIRE!" He shouted looking enthusiastically at Chet. Chet's expression was of pure disappointment mixed with that of someone who wasn't really surprised or phased anymore by what he was seeing. "Just get in the ******** chair," Chet ordered without much hope for the show now.

"Now I know what y'all are ********' thinking. What the ******** is Chet doing in an anchorman chair in front of all these cameras? Well, I don't ******** know I'm just a pawn in this big a** chess game known as life. And also my narrator is very bored at the moment. I'm gonna detail the events that take place in our very ******** up world. Together I and Elfman will give you first scoop on the latest events going down in...What the ******** do we call the nations now?...What do you mean I gotta host in my underwear? Don't take your ******** pants off Elfman. GOD DAMN IT WHAT IS THAT DUDE WHAT IN THE s**t ARE YOU PUT THE PANTS BACK ON!...Anyways our world as we know it is gone with seemingly endless possibilities. Everyone that was fortunate to wake up is either gonna take it up the a** or prevail like ya boi Chet did. Either way, you're all gonna be knowing about it in glorious style. Cause YA BOI HAS A WAY WITH WORDS NOW DON'T HE? TONY HIT THE ******** LIGHTS!"

In glorious attire, sleek hair and a smile that would make a virgin cry, Chet oni would turn to face the focus camera and greet his audience. "Good evening survivors of the old world and new alike my name is Chet Oni and tonight I'll be joined by my co-host, Elfman Burgandy." The focus camera switches to Elfman who doing very indecent gestures with his tongue and fingers towards the intern behind one of the cameras. The focus camera immediately returns to Chet who looks half irritated and half amused. "We're gonna start things off with a look at the weather." Chet somehow reappeared in front of a screen showing a map of the world. "Hi no Kuni...Wait what the ******** is Hi no Kuni? Tony, I told you to use REAL NAMES MAN NONE OF THIS-" Screen cuts to black briefly before returning to Chet smiling and pointing towards Hi no Kuni on the map. "We're looking at clear skies and some hot hot hoooooooot weather so make sure to wear some BARANARA NANABARA sunscreen now available at your local alchemist. Made out of pure bananas directly from BARANARA NANABARA's personal stock of rare bananas. Over in Doro no Kuni things are lookin' pretty cold but nothing to worry about. Not in Tetsu no Kuni though. If you wanna die at night go sleep outside." Focus camera switches back to Elfman. "Uh I uh..." Elfman apparently couldn't read the captions fast enough. "MAN I TOLD YOU GUYS TO SLOW DOWN THE ******** WORDS MAN HE CAN'T READ GOOD YOU KNOW THIS?" Once again screen cuts to black for a brief moment.





Chet just looked in silence at the beings that had formed in front of him. His face revealing nothing. He rubbed his chin for a while and stopped. Twitched his nose a little bit before spitting on the ground. "Boooy. I'll tell you what. Y'all are some big bois I'll tell you what hehe." He looked over at Hooks with a worried expression. Something about their size and appearance freaked the ever living s**t out of him but if Hooks was cool with them being near him than Chet decided he could be cool as well. "Well s**t I uh. Lets go guys we uh. We got s**t to do I guess. Hooks you're in charge of this place until I come back. If anyone and I mean ANYONE. Attempts to come inside you kill them without mercy I'm talkin' straight up murder them. Everyone that looks like me is an a*****e." With that Chet would begin to walk towards the exit. He looked back at the giant oni looking beings and motioned for them to follow him all while being scared shitless. The reason he told Hook that humans like him were evil was due to his fear that they might find other humans that were cooler than him and switch sides while he was out.

 

[Lanfaer]

_______________The Narrator Screams... ||

tab The earth shakes for a moment at the first steps the three took, their metal husks clanking with their weight. Yet they continued a moment later with only the basic thumping of something walking to accompany them, more quiet than they should've had the ability to be. Yet follow they did as he moved out, ignoring Hootsyook who watched them with concerned eyes as they continued on.
tab The Shelf Elf barked a laugh before following, but as he put paws to earth he realized that people were smaller than they had been before. Looking at Chet, he could swear that the man was now, like, four feet shorter. Wait, why did he smell like piss and vinegar? What did vinegar even smell like?! He looked at Chet for a moment before asking "Yo, Chet-maAAAAAH!" This was, of course, spoken in a deep husky voice that turned into a full roar at the end. For, of course, how else would a polar bear in a Chrsitmas Elf suit going to speak and sound?
tab

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malavaes

 

[Dopy Grimes]

Lanfaer

Everyone around the set was running around frantically. The narrator had vanished. Where had he gone? No one knows. Maybe he just got sick and tired of being pushed around by some snobby drug addict who would rather wallow in his own depression than turn his despair into something productive and change himself into a better human being. Oh and if you're wondering who is typing these words you either read out loud or in your head, no shame, I am Chet's agent. Someone had to fill in. Oh someone's knocking at the door. "Let me in you ********!" Chet yelled from the other side. Oh Jesus I think he wants to narrate. Hm. What's the worse that can happen?

Holy ********' s**t we made it bois I'm back in business. Had a little bit of a hiccup there with my boi narrator vanishing and s**t but its all G now cause I'm runnin' this parade hehe. Alright so hold on lemme read this crap he left lying around. Hmmmm yada yada yada I get hit in the spleen by a poisoned arrow tip yada yada yada Elfman betrays me yada yada yada ooooh found it. I take over an area in the middle of a decaying Fire Country and start up a mafia of my own. Noooice. Alright ladies and gentlemen let's get this show on the road hit the lights.

Alright so at this point right I bet yall readers are thinkin', "Oh I bet Chet's gonna go around goon squading kids" right? Well no you're all ******** stupid. Y'all probably don't know this but before pa and mom died I was an A+ scrub hehe. History is my forte and I know that if you wanna control mother ******** you gotta control water sources and I knoooooow I saw rivers on my way here. So me and my bois are gonna start buildin' outposts by key river locations and making the people around here show us some ********' respec- holy s**t Elfman just turned into a ******** bear. Now I know the whole situation was meant to be comical but something inside of me snapped even if for only a split second. I remembered being in the forest with the bears. Momma bear giving me her love even though I didn't deserve it. She saw something in me y'know? She cleaned my face and washed me away of my many sins. All the guilt I had buried inside of me vanished. Yet all of this lasted for a split second and all I could say to Elfman was, "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP TURNED INTO A SANTA BEAR BROOOOOOOOOO." Yeah something like that.

 

[Lanfaer]

_______________The Narrator Screams... ||

tab Unleashing another shriek of sheer panic that came out as a thunderous roar that rattled even the lumbering suits metal the Bear Elf (Beaf? Belf?Ralf?!), the angry and confused figure fell back onto his thunder thighs and looked at his paws in confusion. "What am I, Chet-man?!" Pawing at the clothes on his body, there was a sudden flash of light followed by a muffled bang, leaving in its wake a large, black smoke-stack top hat that glowed with a fiery aura that burned down to nothing moments later, leaving just the black hat and the christmas suit behind.
tab Staring in shock, the elf shook his head from side the side and causing his fat flaps to give a round of applause at the movement loud enough to startle a few birds outside. Recoiling as if kicked his eyes went to Chet and turned angry. "This isn't funny, Chet! Turn me back! I know you did something, what with that mental montage of bears just now, for ******** sake!"
tab The giants looked at each other a moment before shrugging and moving forward, allowing the bear to remain behind with Chet to figure it out without them.

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malavaes

 

[Dopy Grimes]

Lanfaer

Chet's eyes widened when the newly made bear referenced his visions of the past. "YOU STAY OUTTA MY HEAD YOU FREAK! JUST TAKE THE ******** %$$#$%^ OFF THAT'S WHAT PROBABLY DID IT!" He shouted before storming off with the squad. "Let's ******** go already I hate exit posts. We got s**t to do and people to intimidate."