********, i hate myself and my goddamned emotions....

[Archangel Izual]

I need to get this off my chest but there is absolutely nobody sensitive left online on my MSN that I can talk to about it...

I just had a huge talk with my girlfriend about her friends and ended up making her cry..... but eventually she stopped crying and was fine... but was still all sad because of how it was such a tough subject..... and therefore, being my stupidity that made her cry, I feel extremely shitty and can't help it..... I wanted to see her smile (because she was on webcam) but because I couldn't let go of my condescending thoughts of myself i was keeping her from showing any sign of being happy...... then I see her laugh and a big smile came on her face but I knew it was because she was talking to one of those friends I was talking to her about......


and what makes me even worse is that I wish our problems stayed between she and I, that we may work them out together without anyone being let into the picture, but I gaurantee that she was telling that one friend, who I don't like much, everything that was going on....

so I feel shittier than ever...... she wants me to sleep on it know that "tomorrow is a new day" .... but it never works like that for me......
Sarah know's this...... when something gets me down ... no matter how big or small..... i get depressed for a week or more..... and I just can't help myself.... I just feel horrible.......

and just a few minutes before deciding to talk to somebody (despite the lack of people on MSN) I had an urge to cut myself.... but because of trained instinct ... I knew that wouldn't be a good thing because.... yeah....



I just feel horrible.... I made her cry ..... and I ruined her beautiful smile for the rest of the night....... and .... I just can't help but feel like s**t now.....

..and this won't get any better until I can be with her again and hold her close and tell her how sorry I am and see her smile again......

hopefully I'll get to see her Saturday.... but that still leaves me with all of tomorrow, feeling like an absolute moron.......


ok here's the jist: I said I didn't CARE about my friends who were a little immature or jerks in my eyes.... as an example of how I felt towards her friends ..... and that only made me realize how uncompassionate I've become since I had my huge downhill depression last fall.....




god I hate this all.........  

[Archangel Izual]

well... I worked things out with Megan's friend.... and she and I are getting along.... so I'm feeling better about myself...... .....

still feel bad about how i hurt Megan.... and wish I could be lying next to her right now and whisper in her ear how much I love her and that everything is alright now....

but yeah.... I told her friend to tell her... because she and Megan are hanging out tomorrow..... and Megan is going to call me tomorrow, too.... so I can tell her about it too..... and yeah...... apologize again..... god I'm pathetic.... heh... I miss her already and I saw her on Tuesday.... she'll be coming here either on Saturday or Sunday.... and yeah....

I love her so much..... <3....


- Josh..  

[Evalyen]

i do know how you feel, i do the same to my bf =.= sometimes i get the feeling that i care too much about him and not much enough about myself.

i know what kind of person i am so i tried to push him away because i don't think he would be happy with me. so i kinda was doing it for him. and hurt him so badly by the way -_- so i ended up thinking of different, less painful ways of telling him to leave me.
he's the last person i would want to hurt yet am hurting him all the time, in many, many ways~