[Fin] Everything is Fine

[TawnyAngel]

"So yea," Taavi waved his piece of the cold pizza vaguely, "we talked about - eh, you know, stuff and he bought us lunch and I got to keep the leftovers! Heh. Makes a nice change from our diet of ramen right?" It would be ramen again tomorrow but tonight it was pizza, he felt kind of bad for over ordering so that there would be leftovers but he was mostly sure that Sasha hadn't minded. "And... yeah. I feel better about it now," a worried expression flickered across Taavi's face, making a lie of his words, "I ah... guess I was being pretty dramatic before so sorry for that. Um, eat pizza to make up for it!" In a couple more days he really would have to leave and then- It would be fine, it would! He kind of had a plan right? Right, he did, and Sasha hadn't seemed worried so why should he be?  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel happily bit into his slice of pizza - he didn't care one bit that it was cold and leftover from Taavi's and his boyfriend's lunch - and nodded wholeheartedly. At this point, anything at all was better than ramen, but pizza was pretty damn good regardless. "Well that's good," he said once he didn't have pizza in his mouth. Mmm, pizza... "And that was nice of him to let you keep all the leftovers."

The blond took another bite as he pondered Taavi's next words, and a vaguely concerned frown crossed his face. That wasn't the expression of someone who felt much better about their situation... Hm? "Dramatic?" He repeated, his frown morphing from concerned to perplexed. "What d'you mean 'dramatic?'"  

[TawnyAngel]

"Oh, you know. Uh. With the crying." Taavi ducked his head and shifted slightly, embarrassment making his stomach twist a bit; it was a couple of moments before he could bring himself to look up and continue. "So, yeah. Sorry. I mean, worse stuff happens to people all the time and- well I'm bound to get something soon. It's not fun but it could be a lot worse right?" He was still trying to convince himself of that, he knew it was true but he just couldn't make himself feel like it was true. Maybe if he told himself enough times that he shouldn't be scared the message would get through to his stupid panicking brain. "I guess everyone has low days," he continued determinedly, "I just need to focus on making applications and not obsess over - well - the err, the bad stuff. I mean it's not going to change it so there's no point really is there?" He wished it was as easy said as done, he really did.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel chewed slowly, pondering over Taavi's words for a few moments before he leaned back against the couch cushions and gestured vaguely with his half-eaten slice of pizza, "Well that's understandable given everything, yeah? Getting fired and then evicted in the middle of winter," he pointed out with a frown, "is pretty shitty no matter what, and being upset about it isn't being dramatic. I mean yeah, there's a lot of terrible things that can and do happen to other people all the time," much as he didn't want to think about that, "but that doesn't mean stuff that happens to you isn't bad. Uh, I'm not saying that you should be more upset about it than you're acting but," Abel gestured vaguely again, a tiny bit more frustrated at himself, "you know what I mean, yeah? It's a shitty situation, you're allowed to say it's as shitty as it is."

Low days... Where was he getting that? "Yeah," he agreed slowly, his frown still present, "stressing doesn't really help solve the problem, but you can't just.. not stress out about stuff. And I don't think 'low days' is really applicable in this situation. Where are you getting 'low days' from?" The blond asked after a brief pause, and took another bite of his pizza. Seriously though, why was he going on like that? Was he just saying all that to try and make himself feel better? Surely he wasn't doing it to try and tell Abel that everything was fine; he didn't believe it for a minute, not with that distressed puppy look he'd seen enough times by now.  

[TawnyAngel]

It did suck. It sucked a lot. There was no point dwelling on it though was there? But it was shitty, and awful, and he couldn't help dwelling on it. He didn't want to obsess over it and it- well it wasn't the end of the world or anything, it would be okay! But it was shitty, and what if it wasn't? It happened all the time, people just... just slipped through the cracks. What if he was still waiting for things to be okay 'soon' in ten years?

"Um." Taavi put his pizza piece back down on the open lid of the box and tried to think of something to add to the 'um'. "It's not that I don't... I mean, it sucks but I don't want to just sit around obsessing over it, right? Uh. Yeah and, Sasha and I were talking is all, everyone's life sucks sometimes so... yeah, I guess you just have to try to focus on the good stuff? Right?" The look Taavi gave Abel was uncertain, as if he was looking for confirmation that what he was saying was alright; this was because he was.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

This was... weird. Abel's puzzled frown only grew more puzzled as Taavi spoke, and it left him trying to figure out just how to continue the conversation. 'No, this is really shitty and you should feel terrible, why are you being so positive' probably wasn't the best response, but then again he didn't want to blindly agree that yes, don't bother worrying about it, it'll all be perfectly fine and dandy sooner or later. There was middle ground there, and he couldn't help but feel Taavi had jumped right over it when swapping extremes. But how to go about conveying that...? The blond rubbed his free hand over his face while he debated. "Well, yeah, it's usually better to focus on the good stuff, but it's okay to focus on the bad stuff for a while, too," he began somewhat hesitantly, treading through the conversation very, very carefully lest he say something wrong, "I mean, it's totally fine to be upset and worried and stressed once in a while. It's not a bad thing -- it's only bad if that's all you do." Did that cover it? Did that make sense? He really wasn't sure. What had gotten into his head that made him switch from one extreme to the other so quickly?

A mildly suspicious look crept into his features. "What did you and Sasha talk about? He made you feel better about stuff, yeah?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"Well, yeah!" Taavi said instantly, the knee-jerk response coming out before he'd even thought about it. "We went for pizza and talked and... well he couldn't really help with anything but...." He didn't feel better. It had been really good to see Sasha, it had, and he felt better in that way but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't shake off the dwelling.

"Um."

Taavi sighed and smoothed a hand back over his hair, a frown knitting his brow. "Well, I mean, sort of," he amended reluctantly. "I mean... Yeah. All the crap hasn't gone away just over lunch and- ugh, I really want to not dwell on it but it is kind of a big deal?" Abel seemed to agree with that and... and.... He really needed to talk to Abel about Alyssa again too but he didn't know how to bring it up, Abel had said he'd talk to her but he was still worried. "Um.... But, it was really good to see him. And pizza is good."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

So, he had helped, just... sort of? Maybe? From what he'd seen, Sasha seemed more like a show-off - maybe a touch selfish - so the blond was only but so surprised when it sounded like he hadn't been much comfort to Taavi. "Well, yeah, it kind of is a big deal," he agreed with a shrug of his shoulders, "I mean it's certainly not just like losing your keys or your wallet or something. Why don't you want to dwell on it? I mean, that's good you'd rather not," he amended quickly before Taavi got the wrong idea, "but you just kind of... All of a sudden seem to be saying the opposite of everything you said before, is all. But yeah, pizza and talking is good," he agreed somewhat awkwardly as he took another bite of said pizza. Yep, deliciously awkward.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Oh, I just-" Taavi all but squirmed and averted his gaze from Abel with an awkward shrug. "I just don't want to get annoying you know?" He was probably being annoying right now, but he knew that worrying about being annoying was also annoying. How did anyone else cope with life without worrying about what other people thought of them? "And... maybe if I try to be positive I'll feel better? But I've tried, and I don't. I- guess I... well maybe if I just focus on doing practical things?" Taavi glanced up uncertainly but quickly looked away again, wow that pizza was fascinating to look at right? "I mean, like I have been? I mean focus on doing the practical things. I... I can't really help feeling like I do." He wished he could, if he could change how he felt about things life would be a whole lot easier! He'd be confident, decisive, assertive, all those good things that he wasn't.... But Sasha liked him and Abel liked him, it was important to remember things like that; even if he felt useless it was some comfort to know that other people didn't.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Well, you can try to force yourself to be positive, but if it's not working then it'll probably keep not working - like maybe it's too soon to work or something," he suggested uncertainly. Did that make any sense? "It helps to just have positive or productive stuff to focus on instead, I think, to keep your mind off of it rather than think about it all the time and try to force yourself to feel a certain way about it. And you're not annoying," he said with a light frown. "Why would you think that?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Okay, so how did he go about explaining a constant low level dread of the people he liked starting to hate him? And also how did he do that without seeming weird? Taavi picked up his piece of pizza but put it back down again almost immediately, he still hadn't looked up at Abel again. "I don't know," he mumbled eventually, rubbing his fingers together to get rid of the feeling of grease. "I just... don't want to be a downer on everyone else. Like... why would anyone want to be around me if I just kept being gloomy? So I wanted to be positive, that's all. I don't want anyone to feel bad that I feel bad."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel opened his mouth to speak, thought better of it, and put pizza in it instead while he pondered further. After swallowing, he finally said, "Tavvi, you're not being a downer, and you're not being gloomy. s**t happens to everybody, yeah, and right now s**t's happening to you. You're allowed to be upset or depressed or gloomy or whatever else, and if that's annoying to someone else then they can suck it," he emphasized the last two words with a pointed jab of his half-eaten slice of pizza. A thought occurred to him though, and he aimed another puzzled frown at his friend. Maybe...? "Was Sasha feeling bad that you felt bad or something?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"Um." Taavi shrugged helplessly. "I... guess? Sorta? I mean.... He asked if I'd had any callbacks or second interviews, so I told him about that one I had the other day that somebody else got but that was it and- Yeah, I... guess I kind of went on a bit about how I didn't think anyone would want to hire me, because no qualifications or references or anything, and he felt bad about that? I mean... I know it's dumb but I only get to see him when he wants to come and see me, I can't go find him. I don't want to put him off by.... Yeah." It would be pretty easy for Sasha to just leave and never come back. He didn't think he'd do that to him but sometimes he felt like he might, because why would he bother coming back? And he knew that was a stupid way to feel and he hated himself a bit for feeling it but he couldn't make it go away.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Humming thoughtfully, Abel leaned forward to rest his elbows atop his knees, then set his chin in his palm. This was a rather... difficult conversation he had to juggle. Oh well, it wasn't like he hadn't had difficult balancing acts to do before.. "Sounds to me like you don't see him often," he began slowly, thoughtfully, "so when you do see him you want to be in a good, positive mood for him, yeah? So he'll enjoy your company and you'll both have a good time?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Taavi deflated somewhat but he looked a bit relieved as he nodded to Abel's guess. "Right! I mean... it's not like I think he won't come back if I'm not always the best company but," Taavi twisted his long fingers around one another restlessly and gave another helpless shrug. "I don't know. I guess it's dumb but... yeah, I just want him to enjoy coming to see me not think like 'oh great, Taavi's whining about his life again' and.... I just don't want him to have to put up with that stuff, right?" That hadn't sounded any better aloud than it had inside his head but it was true, unfortunately.... And now he was whining at Abel, he should really stop probably, but Abel didn't seem to mind? But what if he did and he was just hiding it well? Argh!