[FIN] Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran squeezed his eyes tightly shut and took another deliberately steady breath. "Rinna. Taliesen killed her. I watched. We were told she was a traitor and... and that was enough for him to end her life without hesitation. I didn't even try to stop him, I just let it happen." He had never meant for Abel to find that out but he had never meant for Taliesen to find him either. Maybe at last this would put Abel off him, he wouldn't want him anymore and he would not be hurt by his death.

"Before she died she told me she loved me. I laughed, I said... I said that I didn't believe her but even if it was true I would not care. I did care, but I didn't realise until after she was dead. That was why I left, I could not live with what I had done and so I took a job far away from Thedas. I hadn't meant to even survive the trip there but," he took another breath, shaky this time despite his best efforts, "but I could never quite bring myself to do it. When I arrived I meant to die doing the job, but I couldn't even follow through with the job and so I disappeared and drifted and... and that is how I found my way to Kodo."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Ah.." It was always... difficult hearing more about Zevran's past. Sometimes it made his heart ache, tore it apart and left him feeling horrible for the things he'd been through. Other times it poked and prodded to test his morals, his thoughts, his feelings; everything he thought he knew about himself and what he wanted to do with the remainder of his life. Now, it did both.

For years he'd had such a black and white view of things. Anyone who kidnapped or killed another person - no matter their situation or circumstances or reasons for doing so - deserved the same in return, without question and without exception, himself included. Now, though, he found his resolve weakening, found himself sympathizing with Zevran's situation - either he did as he was told, something that had been ingrained into his head since he was far too young, or he died - and how he had little choice in any part of his life. Did someone in a situation like that deserve death? If they didn't mind doing it, if they enjoyed doing it, if there was no hope or chance of them changing their ways, then yes. If they regretted their actions, if they wanted to stop, if they did stop or left to try and live a life for themselves instead of forced to do as others instructed them to, then no.

When had his views grayed? They hadn't suddenly changed this very minute, and now that he thought of it he was inclined to think that they'd already been slowly changing before he'd even met Zevran, let alone learned more about his morbid past. No, Zev didn't deserve death - certainly not from him, not from Zevran himself, and not from anyone else - and the fact that there were people even now out for that exact purpose made his blood boil. Was there hope for any of them? Maybe for some, but it was starting to sound like there was none for Taliesen. They had been friends - good friends - but he'd killed their mutual friend. Mutual good friend? Weren't they all flatmates or something? They all must've been quite close, regardless. If he'd killed her without hesitation, then it was probably a safe bet that he'd try to do the same to Zevran.

Suddenly acutely aware of how long he'd been silent - and indeed had stopped rubbing Zevran's back - Abel gave the shorter blond a gentle squeeze. Where did he even start? "I'm not gonna say that isn't cruel and terrible - on his part and yours. But you only ever knew one way of life for damn near twenty years, and it sounds like the only reason your eyes finally opened to what else you could do was because of her death. Opened them completely, and I get the impression you're still trying to puzzle out everything you can suddenly see now, everything that's so different from anything you grew up knowing. I'm not gonna say that all the things you did while you were there were good, and I'm sure there's plenty that you regret or aren't proud of, but I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm also proud of you for feeling that regret, for making the decision to leave and for all the decisions and choices you've made ever since and are still making."

He paused a moment to gather his thoughts, to give him another squeeze and another kiss to his hair. "I'm not gonna say you were a good person back then, because you weren't -- but you've changed so much since then, that isn't who you are anymore no matter what anyone else thinks. I will say something I have before though, and that's that you are a good person now, or you're at least on your way to being one. I guess what I'm trying to say is all of that sounds absolutely awful - everything - but you're not awful anymore, you're not living that life anymore. You're trying to live for yourself now, to make your own choices and do what you want, and I'm not just going to sit here and let anyone try to take that away from you." That was.. a lot of words. Were those good words to say? Should he have said something else, something better? What would have been better, though? What could someone even say to that sort of thing? 'My best friend killed our other friend and I just stood there and laughed.' Holy hell was his life all kinds of ******** up. Or it had been, at any rate, and he'd be damned if he let anyone try to end it before he could finish living it.  

[TawnyAngel]

He didn't know how he'd expected Abel to react, and when Abel did react he couldn't really take it in. To say that he had not been a good person was an understatement and he wasn't sure that he was now but as Abel said he was at least 'less bad'. Whether or not that meant he deserved a second chance was immaterial, the world didn't care about what anyone deserved, but Abel thought he did and Abel was willing to fight for him. He definitely didn't deserve that but he was more than glad to take it, and to offer whatever he could in return.

"I don't know what to say," Zevran said after several long moments of silence. "It... yes, it was. She was different, not like the rest of us, she was older when she was recruited so maybe..." Zevran shrugged in Abel's embrace to vaguely illustrate that there was the end of a sentence in there somewhere but he couldn't quite put words to it just now. "I suppose that is why they usually don't take in older recruits." She had developed her sense of self, of right and wrong, of love and loyalty, and she must have retained those even though she played the game like the rest of them to stay alive.

"But, what now?" Zevran took a steadying breath and leant back out of Abel's embrace far enough to meet his eyes; his features were drawn into sharp lines by fear and guilt. "All I can think of to do is leave Kodo, hope they do not trail me to wherever I go." How had Taliesen found him? Perhaps he would have a chance to ask before he died.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

This was all so hard, so difficult. His heart ached so much it felt like it might crumble to pieces at any moment. "Ah, probably..." His gut reaction was to say 'no, don't leave' but his next reaction was swift and unquestionable disappointment in himself. How many times had he dropped everything and left for a new region when he felt too near someone's radar? Who was he to tell Zevran what to do or what not to do after spending so long telling him to make his own choices? Who was he to want him to stay when such a decision might very well mean condemning him to death?

When Zev leaned back to look at him and Abel gazed into those handsome eyes of his - those beautiful eyes he loved gazing into, now so full of fear and anxiety - he found himself at a loss for words at first. One hand lifted to gently brush a lock of hair from Zevran's face and tuck it behind his ear. "Well," he began uncertainly once he found his words again, "you have time to figure out what you want to do about all of this. You're safe now - you're safe here - so right now it's probably best to take your time and think about everything so you can figure out what the best option is." He didn't want him to go. He didn't want him to go at all but how could he even say that? How selfish was he?

...could he leave and go with him? Just.. quit his job and sell everything he had, take all his pokemon and what he could carry? But that would leave poor Taavi without anywhere to live until he could find himself an apartment, and what would that do to him -- his best friend? If he just up and left without being able to give a proper explanation for his abrupt, permanent disappearance? No, he couldn't do that either. s**t.  

[TawnyAngel]

"I..." Zevran glanced towards the window but no, no they were safe here he was nearly sure and once he had read the messages he would be. "Yes," he agreed a little uncertainly and as he spoke he looked back at Abel and gave him a strained smile. "So long as nobody is actively shooting at me - or us - we have time. I... I have no desire to pull you into this mess Abel but neither do I wish to push you away. Does that make sense?" Had Abel felt the same when they had been dealing with Alyssa?  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel didn't miss the quick glance at the window, nor how Zevran didn't agree completely - nearly, but not quite - so he half-turned to look around for one of his pokemon. "Sonia, close the blinds please? All of them."

The Zoroark made a noise of acknowledgement before she padded off to go do so, moving from room to room throughout the whole apartment to see what blinds were drawn and to shut the ones that weren't.

When she turned to do as he asked Abel turned back to Zevran and lifted both hands to gently cup his face, his thumbs tracing soft lines over his cheekbones. "You are safe here," he repeated for emphasis, his tones firm and completely devoid of doubt or uncertainty. "Not only would they have to find out you stay in this building sometimes, they'd have to find out this specific apartment out of countless others, and they'd have to break inside. If they managed to do that then they'd have to make it past our pokemon who do not suffer intruders, and if they somehow made it past them, they'd have to get past me before I'd ever let them get to you. I can't remember if I have or not yet but I can show you the hiding spots where I keep my loaded handguns if you ever need one in here. So," he went on, a small, tentative smile working its way onto his face, "as long as you're here, you have as much time as you want or need. And that makes perfect sense, and if it makes you feel any better you're not pulling me into anything. I'm yours, remember? All yours, wherever you need me to be, and I'll help or protect or defend you as much as you need me to -- always."  

[TawnyAngel]

What if they already had found out? If they had, and they didn't care about subtlety, they could just shoot out the windows and throw in a grenade or similar... But they hadn't taken any action against him yet, maybe they didn't know?

Zevran closed his eyes again and drank in Abel's soft words of reassurance, leant into his gentle touch. "I would appreciate that, the guns. I appreciate you. I... everything was going so well, I was happy." And now this. Maybe he was safe here for now but for how long, and what about the world outside?

"Could we," Zevran cleared his throat and opened his eyes again, though he didn't quite meet Abel's gaze. "Could we sit down? Have that drink perhaps? There is sometimes inspiration at the bottom of a glass." Of course Abel was here for him, would fight beside him, it seemed only natural now it had been said but that didn't mean he was ungrateful for it. Zevran looked up again then and tried to smile, the expression still came out strained and tense but it was clear that he meant to mean it. "And I am yours too, no matter what I- I treasure every minute I spend with you." Was that love? A willingness to fight and die for one another? Taking comfort in one another? Shared jokes, and shared understanding? Was this...?  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Do you have one of your own yet? If not you can have one of mine, I have plenty." Firearms weren't generally a gift he ever gave - never, actually - and especially not one of his own that he'd bought for himself and had used, but it was worth it. If it helped Zevran at all, even a little, then it was worth it. Almost anything would be worth it if it meant Zev would stay with him alive and well, and happy - he wanted him to be happy again. He wanted to be the one to make him happy again. Would he even get the chance to now?

Not for the first time he wanted to wrap Zevran up in his arms and hold him so close, so tight, and shield him from anyone who would hurt him -- and not for the first time knew such a thing was impossible. But he wanted to. Ohh, how he wanted to. "I appreciate you too, I... I treasure every moment I spend with you too. I treasure you," he added as he gave in to his desire to shield him and leaned in to wrap his arms around him in another fond, protective embrace -- if only for a moment or two. The moment passed and he leaned back again to aim a smile full of fondness and a warmth that had absolutely nothing to do with the temperature in the apartment. "Yes, let's go sit. Actually you go sit and I'll get you a drink, yeah? Any preference on the kind of alcohol?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran sat down gratefully and nodded up at Abel. "Mh, si, I have the one I took from Patty's place but it's not here... Perhaps I will retrieve it tomorrow if I can ask Sonia's help to go to the warehouse? Vision is still not able to hold illusions for very long. Ah... and... Strong?" Zevran gave another weak smile. "I confess that quality is not top of my list of ah... wants? It's a word like wants, but you rank them." He was tired, and scared, and distracted, and all of those added up to make English harder than usual. What was he going to do? He could be out of the window and away while Abel was in the kitchen if he wanted but he didn't want that, perhaps it was what he should do but he didn't want to.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Ah, that was right; how could he forget? ...actually no, he couldn't remember because he'd been rather... out of sorts that evening. "I'm sure Sonia'll be more than happy to go with you," he said with a nod - Sonia herself had headed to the bedroom on her mission to draw all the blinds and hadn't returned yet to speak for herself - then his smile softened as he reached to cup Zevran's face in his hands as he leaned down to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Priorities? And strong it is; I'll be back in just a minute." So saying his hands fell away from Zev's face and he turned to head into the kitchen.

As he'd promised he returned in short order with two glasses in hand, and once he sat down he offered one to Zevran, "Here y'go. I was a little heavier-handed than I meant to be, but I'm gonna guess you won't really mind too much at the moment." His, on the other hand, he'd made a little less strong than normal. Drinks were nice, yes, but he didn't particularly care to get too drunk at the moment. Not yet.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Ah yes, that's the word," Zevran gave another not-really-there smile and nodded, "and thank you."

As Abel departed Zevran curled his legs up beside himself and picked up a cushion, having something to hold felt good- or at least it made him feel very slightly less bad.

"Thanks," he said again as Abel returned and passed the drink to him. Once he'd taken a first sip he shifted closer to his boyfriend and rested his head against his shoulder. "How did we get here?" he asked vaguely, asked himself as much as Abel. "I came here to Kodo seeking shallow entertainment with the vague idea in mind that I might get hit by a car crossing the street and that would be okay, but then I met you in the rain and, slowly, things changed. I never believed myself capable of... of feeling the way I feel about you."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"You're welcome," he said softly, and he'd been about to take his first sip when Zevran posed his question. Was it aimed at him, or was it rhetorical, or.... Did it matter? He set his glass down without taking that sip and then wrapped an arm around Zevran's shoulders to hold him close, and gently rested his cheek atop his fine blond hair. "I wonder that myself a lot," he admitted quietly, thinking back on how they first met and everything since then. "I came here because-- well, I already told you about it, but I... never wanted to date anyone again, never wanted to even think about it. But then again I never expected to be interested in other guys either, and look how that turned out," he said, a ghost of a smirk curving his lips as he gave his boyfriend a squeeze. Boyfriend. His. It still boggled his mind at times when he stopped to think about it. "But I'm... really glad. About everything - that we're dating, that I met you, just... everything. I..." Was it a good time to say he loved him? Was it too soon? Would it ever be a good time to say it? But if he waited too long, something might happen before he could and then how big of a regret would that be hanging over him, if he left his feelings unsaid?

Abel licked his suddenly dry lips and absently ran a thumb over Zev's shoulder. It was probably a bad time to say it - maybe even a horrible time to say it, all things considered - but it was beginning to eat away at him inside. He wanted to say it - and the selfish part of him wanted to know, to hear that his feelings were reciprocated - but more than that he was worried now that he'd lose his boyfriend without ever admitting how he felt. It nearly happened a scant few hours ago; who was to say it wouldn't happen tomorrow? "Can I... Ah... Can I tell you something?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran tilted his chin up to meet Abel'z gaze, and though fear still cut deep lines into his tattooed features his amber eyes had softened with trust and affection. "Of course, anything."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

As Zevran looked up to meet his gaze, Abel found what little resolve he had wavering and fizzling out; he licked his lips again and averted his eyes to focus on a portion of the carpet that was suddenly and inexplicably incredibly interesting. "Ah..." He wanted to say 'never mind' and just sit with him and drink, to hold him all night and keep him safe... But what about tomorrow? He'd almost lost him tonight -- would he lose him tomorrow? Or the day after that? Realistically Zev couldn't stay cooped up in his apartment forever, he'd have to go outside with or without him, and what if something happened then? If he didn't tell him now, would he ever have the chance to again? He wanted to say 'yes of course there'll be another chance, without a doubt' but he knew there was always the chance he'd be found and killed no matter how desperately he wanted to protect him.

"Ah... I uh, I don't know if it's really a good time to say it," he admitted as he forced himself to continue regardless of the way his thoughts pulled him back and forth, to tell or to withhold, and he idly rubbed Zev's shoulder again, "but I don't know when would be a good time, and I don't want to just.. not say it, just in case," ...in case you die before I can say it. Not that he'd say that, of course. It made the cold, yawning chasm in his stomach open just a little further just to think of the possibility. "But, uh..." Say it. Say it. Why was he having so much trouble with this? He didn't recall ever having nearly so much trouble admitting his feelings to Molly as he was right now. Why was that?

Did it even matter? Was it even important? No, no it wasn't; the most important thing to him right now was currently cuddled up against his side, waiting for him to spit out whatever he wanted to say.

Abel drew in a steadying breath as he leaned in to rest his cheek atop Zevran's head - and to avoid his gaze - then continued in a voice full of worry, honesty, uncertainty and perhaps with a hint of an apology, "I just.. I... I love you."  

[TawnyAngel]

As Abel stumbled his way through what he was trying to say Zevran felt as though a vice was closing around his chest, his stomach twisted itself in knots. He half thought he knew what Abel was going to say but no, he couldn't possibly mean that.

But then Abel pulled him close, breaking their eye contact, and he said it.

Zevran froze, didn't even breathe as the words echoed through his mind.

His first thought, when he could think again, was to refute what Abel had said; he couldn't mean it, there must be some mistake. Nobody loved him, the first person who had said they did had died moments later and he deserved for her to be the last. After everything he had done, after what he had just told Abel, how could he say that and mean it? Yet he did mean it, he couldn't mean it but there was no doubting the sincerity in his voice.

And then Zevran remembered to breathe again, but the breath was constricted and came with a choked noise. Unable to process the words let alone respond coherently to them Zevran clung tightly to Abel and pressed his face into his shoulder.