[FIN] Some News

[TawnyAngel]

Why did Abel ask him these things? His hands tightened in the strange, clinical, unwelcome sheets. "Yes? No? I don't know." Zevran shook his head again, as though trying to dislodge something within his skull. "I awoke, remembering... remembering what happened. I do not know quite what you would call it, a vision? And he was grasping me, and so I fought him. That it was not him is hardly my- that man should have let me go when I told him to!" As he briefly, disjointedly recounted what had happened Zevran's voice grew tighter and sharper but not more powerful, he was too exhausted and too short of breath for there to be any real strength in his words.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

So he'd woken up and he was already pulling things out, and nurse Cooper was already trying to restrain him. "Hey, it's okay Zev, I'm not blaming you," he assured him gently, reaching both hands out, one to wrap gently around Zevran's and one to curl around his boyfriend's shoulder. Oh how he wanted to cup his face in his hands, to pull him into a tight hug but he didn't do the former yet and couldn't do the latter. No, not yet.

"I'm not mad or upset at you for reacting that way, and I don't think anyone else is, either. Even Dr. Solus said the nurse shouldn't have tried that by himself but he did anyway. Yes, he should've let go when you told him to, but more than that he shouldn't have done it in the first place." Or at least, not alone. "It's okay; you didn't do it out of malice or anything, I know you didn't. It sounds like you were just defending yourself against someone you thought was a threat just after waking up, no one could ever fault you for that." He smoothed his hand over Zevran's a couple times before giving it a soft squeeze. "I'm sorry you remembered everything in the middle of the night, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you did, and I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. I'm sorry you felt threatened when it's obvious you don't feel safe here," he added, giving Zev's hand another gentle squeeze. "And I know just saying 'I'm sorry' about all of that doesn't really do or change anything - anything that happened, anything upsetting you felt, anything at all - but to be honest I don't really know what else to say except that I'm here now, and I'll be here with you for the rest of the day -- promise."  

[TawnyAngel]

Why did he have to be so kind? Couldn't he just shut up and stop touching him? But he didn't want him to stop touching him; he wanted Abel to hold him and never let go, and yet he couldn't stand the idea.

"Did I say I was apologising?" Zevran snapped, turning his head away from Abel. "I was not, and no your apologising does not change anything. It is done, all of it."

He felt sick in a way that had nothing to do with the medicines. He wanted to scream, to claw the tubes out of his flesh, to run any never look back. He had killed his best friend. His best friend had tried to kill him. One of them had hurt Abel, and now here Abel was trying to comfort him but all he could do was snarl like a beast.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Was it just his imagination, or did Zevran never seem to want to look at him when he was upset? Maybe it was the former, he really had no idea. That was alright though, it was fine, Zevran was just more difficult to handle when upset than most... and things didn't get much more upsetting than they had, to put it extremely mildly with a side of immense understatement. To Abel it felt sort of like trying to traverse some kind of minefield dotted with 'tread with caution' signs everywhere; he really didn't know what he should say or do, all he could do was make an educated guess and hope for the best. Why couldn't he do better? Why did things have to turn out this way?

"No, you didn't," he ceded with a shake of his head, the hand on Zev's shoulder slipping away easily as Abel straightened back up in his chair a little, that arm dropping into his lap while the other stayed over his boyfriend's other hand, until such a time as he got some kind of hint to leave that too. "I'm sorry for assuming. And you're right, it's done, all of it; everything's done and there's no going back." He paused a couple moments to gather his thoughts, but found he really didn't have many at all that were worthwhile enough to voice. Nothing he said would really mean anything in the end, it was all either just empty apologies or useless wishes for things to be different. Neither would change anything, neither would accomplish anything, neither meant anything. In the end he merely shrugged a little and said, "I really don't know what to say, Zev. I don't think there's anything I could say that really means anything."  

[TawnyAngel]

He knew he shouldn't be treating Abel this way, he should be... Well he didn't know what he should be, just not snapping at him, but everything hurt.

After a few heavy, silent moments Zevran curled his fingers around Abel's. "No. But... But you are alive." Zevran's voice was softer now but he kept his gaze averted, fixed on their interlinked hands. "For a moment when I was waking up I didn't know if you were or not and I..." What would he have done? "...And you almost weren't and that is because of me, of him, of those damned people." Now the tension and sharp edge returned to Zevran's voice and he felt the same building inside himself, the constant conflict and change of moods was exhausting but he had no power to stop the whirling of his thoughts and emotions. He had really let those get out of control lately.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

When Zev moved to hold his hand, Abel gave his boyfriend's fingers a soft squeeze. "Yes, I'm alive," he affirmed with a ghost of a smile, but only that because oh, his heart hurt. He gave Zev's fingers another squeeze. "I'm sorry for last night, love. But I'm just fine, I promise. I only got hurt be cause of the choice I made, I could never and will never blame you for that, even if they hurt me more than they actually did," he said with a small shrug. Oh yes, they could have injured him much more severely - even killed him - but they hadn't, and he'd mostly been trying not to think of that too much, because a worse injury on his part might've cost Zevran his life, or quite possibly both of their lives.  

[TawnyAngel]

They were alive. Taliesen was not, some of the others were dead too he thought but he didn't care about them. "Why the ******** couldn't he have stayed in Antiva? Or if not that, could he not have walked away when I told him I would not return?" Zevran asked hoarsely, not expecting an answer from Abel or from the universe in general. "He just could not accept that I had made a choice... a choice that didn't go his way at least." He had made a choice, so there were choices, but real choices came with complications? Everything here was complicated, he didn't want to think of any of it or of anything at all.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"I don't know," the blond answered, feeling helpless to stave off or alleviate any of his boyfriend's misery. "I wish he did stay, or that he did walk away. I wish things had ended differently..." Not that wishing so would change anything; more empty, meaningless words. Good job. "He did seem... intent on bringing you back there no matter what." He'd also seemed... something. Jealous? Was it jealousy, or was it something else? It was probably something complicated he'd never understand, not now that he was dead. Not that it really mattered in the end anyway; all that mattered was that he'd tried to kill Zev, that he'd died instead, and now Zevran had to deal with the agonizing, miserable consequences.  

[TawnyAngel]

Ended differently. He could see Taliesen's face, the snarl still on his face as he fell. And he had done that. He had killed him, chosen to kill him rather than die... and rather than allow him to harm Abel. "I... Can we speak of something else?" Zevran squeezed Abel's fingers briefly and shook his head. "This... it's too much to think about." He doubted that he would be able to stop thinking about it but perhaps Abel could at least distract him a little. He was good at being distracting. He was good at many things, and wonderful and kind and still alive. They were alive. "I... I liked your CD, I had it playing all of last night and it was still on when I awoke. You made it for me in an evening." He wanted to do more than just state that Abel had done it, and rather unimaginatively say that he had 'liked' it but he was too tired to summon more just yet. "Ah- ha. Sorry I am not my usual eloquent self, I am quite tired."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel returned the finger-squeeze without hesitation and offered his boyfriend a small smile... one that promptly widened and morphed into a pleased grin, albeit brief. "I'm glad you liked it," he said earnestly. "I wasn't sure if you'd like it, or if it would help you at all, but I wanted to make it for you anyway." Acting on the assumption that he wouldn't mind more physical contact now, the blond's free hand lifted to gently, carefully stroke Zev's cheek. "And I'm sure you must be exhausted, you look like you didn't get any sleep at all last night. Mmh, we can talk about other things though, of course..." But what? "Oh! We brought you some gifts this morning, d'you want to see them?"  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran finally looked back up at Abel again and turned his lips up at the corners in the ghost of a smile. "You put a lot of yourself into it, for me. That meant - means - a lot." Abel was always thoughtful, always respected him, was always so kind. Zevran leaned into Abel's touch and closed his eyes again; he didn't deserve him, he never would.

"Oh, presents?" Zevran's brows lifted as he opened his eyes once more and tried to smile a little more. "When did you have time to get these? And yes, thank you, I would like to." Abel had brought him presents and made him a CD and he couldn't even smile properly for him! He would be able to when he was less exhausted, he was sure of that, but it didn't make him feel any better about not being able to offer it now.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Despite the worry he felt and how tired he was, Abel's smile warmed and broadened, and the corners of his eyes crinkled a bit with fondness. "You mean a lot," he said with fondness in his voice as well as his expression as his thumb gently traced soft circles over Zevran's cheek, "and I'll make you another CD sometime if you want. If Taavi's friend'll let me -- he seems nice though, and wants to meet you sometime, if you're up for it."

But then he gently removed his hands from Zevran's face and his fingers with a smile. "Yes, presents!" So saying he bent down to pick the bag up off the floor and set it in his lap. "We stopped in at a store last night after we left here, and after we had dinner. We have been trying to eat enough, even without your peerless cooking," he said, his smile gaining hints of a smirk to it before he pulled from the bag a sleek, deep red CD player with black accents and a set of matching headphones, and held it for Zevran either to just look at or to take if he felt up for it. "I picked this up for you because they said once you move to a general ward you can't have the radio - it's for ICU use only, and any music in the general wards has to be through headphones - so hopefully this'll work nicely. I got batteries for it too, in case the ones it has run out."  

[TawnyAngel]

Abel should stop doing things, should stop speaking to him. He had killed his best friend, after all they had been through together he had killed him. Somebody capable of that didn't deserve to live let alone to be loved.

Even as these thoughts whispered around inside his skull Zevran squeezed Abel's hand and nodded slightly. "Yes, I would like that- both the CD and to meet Taavi's friend." He wouldn't let Abel go, couldn't.

As Abel let go of his hand Zevran curled his fingers into the sheets instead and watched with weary interest as his boyfriend picked up the bag. "Ah, good," he nodded approval and smiled a bit again. "I won't have you not eating, even if it is not quite what you have become use to! I will," he paused for breath for a moment, "be cooking for you again before you know it." There were easy things he could do while he was still weak, and that was good because he knew he would be for some time to come.

And the gift was a CD player, sleek and stylish but not fancy looking; good, he wouldn't want Abel to have spent too much money on top of all the effort he was going to. "Thank you," Zevran smiled; he didn't move to take it but his did raise a hand to brush it with his fingertips briefly. "That is thoughtful, and appreciated. They will be moving me soon I think..." Had Summer mentioned that when Abel had been in the room, or before? He knew she had said it, and recently, but he couldn't quite place the recent memory. Opiates and exhaustion; a hell of a thing.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Pretty soon his heart would crumble apart in his chest with how powerfully it ached every time Zevran spoke a word or took a breath or seemed so unlike himself. "Dr. Solus said they'd move you as soon as a bed and some porters became available, so sometime this morning, yeah. And mmmh, I'm excited to have your cooking again -- but until you're well enough to cook for me, I will cook for you. Which reminds me," he went on as another thought struck him suddenly, setting the CD player back in the bag for now since Zev didn't feel up for taking it. The blond aimed a small, somewhat hopeful smile at his boyfriend. "I'd like it if you came to stay at my place for a while so we can take care of you somewhere warm and safe, at least until you're better. Though, I'd... I'd also like it if you stayed longer than that."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Ah," Zevran nodded, "she must have told me earlier then." The tall bald doctor Abel was referring to had glided in once that he recalled, spouted a stream of complicated phrases at a group of frazzled young doctors, and glided out again with them following him like a stream of worried ducklings....

"What?" Zevran stared at Abel as he processed what he'd just said. Stayed longer than that. They had talked about living together but that had been before, driven by the thought that they might well not live to do such a thing, but Abel still wanted to and wanted to now? Was that was he was saying? After some moments of struggling for words Zevran swallowed and ran his tongue over his lips. "For... for how long?" he asked tentatively.