[FIN] Playing Pretend

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran smirked, leaned his head forward, and reached out to link the fingers of his free hand through Abel's. "You think that's a secret? I know that. This... this is special to me too." He had exalted in it before but now guilt pulled at him too. Taliesen would never have this, he would never have anything else ever again.

"Talk to me. What else happened after you killed that man, or before?" He got the feeling it was after but he was open to being wrong on that.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel readily returned the smirk. "No, I just wanted to tease you... and tell you I love cuddling with you. You already know how incredibly biased I am." And then the smirk softened to a warm smile, his fingers flexed around his love's, and he leaned forward to press a quick kiss to the tip of his nose.

"Mmh, it was after. That was only the beginning," he began, his expression growing more thoughtful and distant as he dredged up the memories. "I didn't tell anyone about it, of course, but someone found out... somehow. I got a letter asking me to meet someone... along with the typical caveats; 'we know what you did, come alone, if you don't come we'll turn you in for it,' et cetera. I was more curious than anything, so I went. Come to find out it was an organization that wanted to take me on - it's easier to train people to commit crimes if they've already committed a similar one rather than taking on someone who'd never done one before, or so they claimed - and they threatened with the typical 'we'll turn you in if you say no' deal again, as well as offered quite the pay rate. I didn't particularly want to get dragged into that though, killing whoever they wanted me to whether innocent or not, but I didn't really... have much of a choice. Not that that stopped me from arguing with them or anything, of course," he added with a small shrug and a huff. "I was seventeen, Amelia had been kidnapped and murdered not even six months before that. I... wasn't in the best place mentally or emotionally. I had no desire to kill any innocent people, I told them, but I couldn't care less about anyone who'd killed before. They said if I joined then I'd do whatever I was told, and if I didn't join I'd regret it when they'd inevitably turn me in to the police. In my infinite wisdom at seventeen in the great place I was mentally I told them I couldn't regret a damn thing if I killed myself before I could get arrested. Looking back on it I don't know why they didn't just kill me themselves right then and there, or turn me out to the streets to do it myself... Maybe they were just too in need of new hands? I don't know. Either way eventually we reached an agreement; I'd take on jobs after reviewing them first, and I'd take it on if I thought the target deserved it..."

Abel trailed off with a mildly puzzled, thoughtful frown before adding, "I think I'm going a bit out of order."  

[TawnyAngel]

Abel spoke; Zevran listened in silence, squeezed his hand whenever he paused or looked especially far away.

When Abel trailed off Zevran leaned closer to press a soft kiss to his forehead before settling back down at a distance that was more comfortable to speak at. "That doesn't matter, speak as it comes to mind." It felt a little strange to be the one listening to Abel, strange but good. Usually he was the one sharing secrets or at least so it felt to him, hearing about Abel's past... It explained a lot, and he felt privileged to be trusted, and a few other things too- kinship?

"I am sorry that happened to you," Zevran continued slowly after a few moments, trying to piece together he thoughts as he spoke them. "That was wrong of them." It wouldn't have occurred to him that it was wrong not so very long ago, he would have thought that Abel was getting a very good deal indeed. "I confess I don't know what else to say." So much was different now but he was still quite terrible at discussing anything deep whether it was about his own feelings or somebody else's.

"So," Zevran gave Abel's hand another squeeze, "you began to work for them, what happened when you did?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

His frown promptly morphed to a smile as he brought their hands to his lips to press a soft kiss to Zevran's knuckles. "Nah, it's okay. It wasn't too terrible, all things considered... and I just said how I'd gone out of order and now you want me to go more out of order," he teased with a brief flash of a grin. "Before that, would you believe me if I told you that, when I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to be a cop when I grew up?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"Ha!" Zevran's immediate response to Abel's question probably said a lot. "I cannot think of anything worse than that, or at least few things. Why? And when did you stop wanting that?" He couldn't even begin to imagine Abel as a cop, perhaps mostly because he had less than no respect for them.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Right?" Abel chuckled and shook his head, thinking back on it. It had been so long ago now, it was almost difficult to remember how he'd felt. Almost. "I thought they were really cool when I was a kid, good guys catching bad guys or something like that, y'know? That kind of faded over time but it was still a possible career choice when I was a teenager... and it changed after Amelia was kidnapped."

The taller blond flopped over onto his back then rather than remain on his side, and his arm similarly flopped over above Zevran's head to make room for him to snuggle closer to his side, if he felt so inclined. He hoped he did. "It didn't happen right away," he went on in thoughtful tones, "but as days turned into weeks and the cops still couldn't find her nor the guy that kidnapped her, it changed. It wavered a bit when they caught him - a lot of good it did her, poor thing - but it became permanent when the guy got off scot-free. That's when I learned that cops - and lawyers and all of them - were more than useless, and when I found myself with this intense black and white perception of things burned into my head."  

[TawnyAngel]

Seen as Abel had moved to make room from him Zevran shifted carefully across so that he could his head on his shoulder and drape his arm over him. "Useless or corrupt," he said cheerfully. A moment later he sighed and gave Abel a squeeze. "The system only works for those with a lot of money at least from what I have seen and experienced in Antiva, it sounds like it is not so very different here." If he had ever been caught on a job would the Crows have arranged for him to walk away free? It would probably have depended on the price; he had been a valuable tool but if his value had been lesser than the required bribe he would have been left to rot in a cell or perhaps to swing, either way.

"So you lost your faith in the law to deliver justice, and this offer was made to you?" Zevran said, not to try to hurry Abel along but to show that he had been listening.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

When Zevran moved closer and rested his head on his shoulder, a warm smile lit up Abel's face and he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders. Despite the topic he was happy to cuddle with his love. "Yep, in our case they were useless, but I've seen corrupt ones too. It's not so very different, I don't think. But yeah, as you say I lost my faith that they'd deliver justice, and they made that offer... so I agreed on the grounds I could deliver justice myself. I figured if the more official, legal avenues couldn't or didn't want to do so, I would do so myself if it'd spare other families the unimaginable grief mine went through. I thought anyone that kidnapped or killed someone else was the worst kind of person, no question - unless it was unquestionably in self-defense - and those people deserved worse than what they'd done to others. Which was completely hypocritical of me, I know," he added with a wry smile.  

[TawnyAngel]

It was obvious, he supposed, that killing people was wrong. He wasn't sure however that he had ever felt particularly bad about doing what he did; he was just a tool, it was nothing personal, and anyone with rich enough enemies to hire the Crows probably had it coming. That probably didn't make it any better and he didn't think he should tell Abel; he had accepted his past but would he accept that he wasn't overwhelmed with guilt about the lives he had taken?

"You did it for the right reasons," Zevran said after a brief pause. "I don't know if I would call it hypocritical either, if you are taking people that bad out of the world..." Zevran lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Some people simply need locking up or assassinating, and when the former is not forthcoming isn't it better that they are stopped somehow?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Mmh, a lot of people wouldn't see it that way. It was hypocritical, based on the mindset I had at the time where pretty much anyone that took a life didn't deserve theirs, but," Abel shrugged one shoulder a little, as best he could while lying down, "I was prepared to deal with that eventually. And I agree on the locking up or assassinating bit, though past me definitely preferred assassinating people like that; locking them up would've been too kind, too dangerous. You'd be surprised how many people do horrible things just because they can, and after they get locked up a while they get let out do keep right on doing the same horrible things. No, past me definitely preferred assassinating..." It had always bothered him though, to some degree. He'd never delighted in it, but sometimes he did feel some sort of... vindication? Whenever he eliminated a particularly unpleasant target.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Mmh, but if you take the life of more than one person who takes lives that is fewer overall yes? That's elementary mathematics cariño." Zevran smile wryly but with his head resting on Abel's shoulder he knew it wouldn't be visible so he gave him a squeeze too. "I know what you mean though, from what you thought at the time the logic didn't fit. Mmmh. I suppose incarceration gives the chance for change, for remorse, but how many follow that path? Is it worth the risk? I don't know the answer to that, you know that my complex thoughts are about as deep as one of those inflated paddling pools." Perhaps not true but the thoughts he did have were generally confused or conflicting so did that come to the same in the end? Either way he was no moral authority and Maker knew he had no wish to be one, it sounded very dull.

"They started to send you jobs then?" Zevran continued, sliding his hand up Abel's chest so that he could caress his boyfriend's collarbone with his thumb. "Did they send you any you didn't want to take?" He assumed that there had been several that he did, even small regions had plenty of people who would raise the average level of human decency by their death and perhaps Abel had also operated elsewhere? He should ask that. "And was all of this in your home region?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel shrugged a little again before he brought his hand to curl around his boyfriend's arm, a pleased noise escaping him at the touch of Zevran's thumb over his collarbone. "I didn't believe many people could change after that, and I didn't think it worth the risk to find out... and your thoughts are wonderful, deep or terribly filthy or otherwise," he said with a brief smirk that lasted only a moment or two before he pressed his lips to the top of Zevran's head in a soft kiss. He was almost like a little kid at story time asking what happened next, where this character went, what that thing did, and every other question without waiting to hear more of the story itself. "You're absolutely adorable, you know that?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"What?" Zevran gave a slightly embarrassed sounding laugh, shifted against Abel, winced, and shifted back again. "Adorable? I was only... I am doing this wrong? Asking wrong questions?" Obviously not bad questions or Abel wouldn't be kissing him and calling him adorable but perhaps not what he had expected? "I can simply listen if that is better? I do not mind doing that, I am ah... I am trying to be supportive. I do not have a great deal of practice."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

He had never expected to be telling anyone this, never. On top of that, he never expected to be telling anyone this while smiling and laughing and feeling warmth and love bubble up in his heart. Shame and guilt and regret always sounded much more likely. Not that he'd ever trade this for the world -- or him. "No, that's not it. You're just asking so many questions about the story that I'm struggling to finish telling you the story. It makes you seem excited to hear it, not that that's a bad thing or anything - asking questions isn't either - but it's just.. adorable, is all. I know you don't have much practice but I'm glad you're trying. ...thank you."  

[TawnyAngel]

"Oh." Zevran said thoughtfully and then fell silent as he considered Abel's response. "You're welcome, that is I am glad to try. I want to know about you, I know there is much unsaid but I have never wanted to push. Now that you want to talk I just want to hear it all... But of course I am always open to going more slowly." Zevran chuckled as he said this and ran his thumb along Abel's collarbone again. "As slowly as you like, I can be a patient man in the right circumstances."