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 Posted: Mon Oct 28, 2024 7:54 pm
I think I probably talked in the AMG about my falling-out with my mother back in 2016-2017ish. To make a long story short, she was being emotionally abusive and refusing to respect my boundaries even after I told her that her actions were harming my mental health. For several years, we would go months without contact and then she would suddenly lash out at me, sending me mean or passive aggressive texts. After I ignored enough of them, she got nicer.
This year, we have been trying to reconnect and have texted a bit. We also went out for lunch for Mother's Day and for both of our birthdays. Her birthday lunch was this past Saturday.
I knew that she had been having trouble with her legs and was walking with a cane now, but Saturday she told me she had finally sort of found out what was wrong. She had a scan that showed peripheral vascular disease, and all her doctor told her was that it was bad, and he started her on pentoxifylline and increased her statin. Her cholesterol is fine, but she's been a heavy tobacco smoker for almost 50 years, so that's probably a large factor.
She also found out that this non-healing pimple she'd had for a while was actually a squamous cell carcinoma. Luckily, it's an early stage and is a type of SCC that has a good prognosis if excised early. I'm less concerned about the cancer than I am about her legs.
After that, the conversation drifted dangerously close to one of the areas that led to our falling-out, and then she also felt the need to talk about how my dad left her finances in shambles and basically ruined her life when he killed himself. Which, my immediate thought when she went into all that was "Wow, a few years ago you told me I had hurt you more than my dad ever had. Nice to know that stepping back to protect myself from emotional abuse is worse than ruining your entire livelihood."
Other than those things, the lunch was reasonably pleasant, but as the days pass I'm getting more irritated about the dad thing. It's bringing up feelings I would rather not revisit. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist Wednesday. stressed
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Posted: Wed Oct 30, 2024 4:20 pm
I met with my therapist today and got out a lot of emotions about this. I think I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not angry at my mom, but I am angry about a lot of things. Honestly, if this was anyone other than the person who birthed me, I would not bother with them anymore. I love her because she's my mom, but I don't really like her because she's trampled my boundaries so much over the years and continues to push and test the limits every time we speak.
And like with our visit Saturday, sometimes it takes a few days or a few weeks for things to fully sink in and for me to realize where and how my boundaries were disrespected. Because she did not teach me how to set and enforce boundaries in the first place. It's confusing and irritating to leave an interaction thinking "well that went okay" and then a few hours later suddenly I'm like "waitaminute scream "
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