Ch 2. That Day

[Oukow]

I have been with Jackobo since the day my mother had been buried, two years ago.
He was my fathers best friend.
On that day, it was sunny and beautiful. I just wish that in my own world it felt like and looked like that, but it didnt and I had a feeling it would never be.
It was raining and raining in my view of life. The sky wasnt pouring water though-no not cats and dogs- tears, my tears. But one day the raining had stop. Everything was still the same though when it had been raining, cold, dark, and daunt.
I wanted to cry for her. I just couldnt though, I couldnt even sob, I had cried when I saw her being killed. I was crying when she was singing to me, and when she had finally stopped breathing. I was still crying when my father came home. I had cried all day long and I understood, she was gone...forever. So...I would cry forever. At least, I wanted to, but I couldnt. That was okay, because my heart was crying for her and it always would be.
When we were at her grave I stared at the white rose that was sticking up from the ground, I looked up and saw a huge tree. Right there I realized something, she was in a better place...Anything was better then living...Anything...Even death.


This is from a story that I'm working on.The main character, Oukow, is also my rpc and Jackobo is her pal. Hope you enjoyed the second chapter.  

[Rejoices]

That was pretty good, I can picture the scene as if I were there.

That's a lot of crying. O.O;;  

[Oukow]

pinksugarbaby

That was pretty good, I can picture the scene as if I were there.

That's a lot of crying. O.O;;

Thanks, blaugh

sweatdrop yeah, she was only a little kid tho' when her mom died about 8, I believe.  

[Spastic waffles]

Pretty good, but you had too many conjuctions beginning sentences (And, but). I dont' mind that occasionally and I even do it, but you may have overdone it a bit.  

[Elf of the Shadows]

I liked it! It was descriptive, sad, and well-written.  

[Oukow]

Spastic waffles

Pretty good, but you had too many conjuctions beginning sentences (And, but). I dont' mind that occasionally and I even do it, but you may have overdone it a bit.

alrighto, I shall fix it  

[Susan Salt]

Spastic waffles

Pretty good, but you had too many conjuctions beginning sentences (And, but). I dont' mind that occasionally and I even do it, but you may have overdone it a bit.

I need to find a book with parts of speech in it. Do you think should I look under "Grammar"?  

[Tak-Jak]

"I had cried when I saw her been killed."

I believe it should have been "Being"
It would read easier
Also.. it seemed a little.. redundant
and you may want to try expanding your word choice
because you used some words alot..a
and after a while.. it feels like you are reading
the same thing over and over again.

Just a few suggestions.
This was good though.

heart -Remy

 

[Oukow]

Okay, I changed it a bit, but It still has it's main idea and stuff. I'm quessing this one's shorter than the other one  

[Spastic waffles]

Much better.

^^