Temporarily titleless, part two.

[Kattie]

She met him again. Such a long time has passed since they saw each other last time. At first they were almost inseparable. Then he disappeared, popped up for a while again and disappeared without a trace once more, causing her a pain that didn't want to wear off. The wound didn't want to heal, no matter what.

Her family and friends were advising her to forget, to give herself a break. They were saying that he would contact her somehow if he cared. For a long time it didn't reach her, but she obeyed in the end. She burned letters, photos, all the souvenirs connected to him, even a beautiful birthday present she got from him. She burned all that with tears in her eyes, but she hoped it would help her, that it would make it easier...

One could think that she recovered. She didn't talk and think about him that often anymore. If asked about him, she only shrugged, as if she didn't care about him anymore. Despite that there were moments when the wound opened up once again and she was starting to think about him again. She was looking trough fantasy photomanipulations, paying a special attention to beautifully made sky and pictures looking as if taken out of a dream or fairytale. She didn't know why she did it; she knew she couldn't find him unless he wanted it. Such moments of weakness were short but happened more and more often, as if they were a forecast of something.

One day she was walking around the city with her friends. They were walking down the streets, laughing and joking. She loved these people, she had a great fun with them. In one moment, though, she stopped walking. She saw a familiar-looking figure that was watching her. It was him. He smiled at her subtly, in his way, almost only with his eyes. She didn't know what she should do. She stood, unable to move, looking at him. At last she came up to him, hugged him without a word, hiding her face in his shoulder, then rose to her toes to kiss him on the forehead and stroked his face. Then she turned around and began to walk away. Her friends were waiting for her. Without stopping, she turned to face him. He still stood there, looking astonished and, surprisingly, heavily defeated. She forced herself to keep walking, not stopping. Down her cheek began to run a single tear which she didn't wipe, she only turned her face back to her friends. She walked away with them. He was still standing there, defeated. In the end he sighed and also left.

That's the "sequel" to "Temporarily titleless". I wrote it in September this year. Feedback of any sort would be most welcome, as always. Especially, if you spot some errors in wording, please, please, let me know how I should correct them! heart  

[Accidental Inspiration]

She met him again. Such a long time has passed since they saw each other last time. At first they were almost inseparable, then he disappeared, popped up for a while again and disappeared without a trace once more, causing her a pain that didn't want to wear off.

{Separate it a bit? Too many commas. Yeah, I do it too. sweatdrop }

The wound didn't want to heal, no matter what.

Her family and friends were advising her to forget, to give herself a break. They were saying that he would contact her somehow if he cared. For a long time it didn't reach her, but she obeyed in the end. She burned letters, photos, all the souvenirs connected to him, even a beautiful birthday present she got from him. She was burning all that with tears in her eyes, but she hoped it would help her, that it would make it easier...

{You use the "to be" verb, which comes off as rather indirect here. If anything, say "She burned it all with tears..." }

One could think that she recovered. She didn't talk and think about him that often anymore. If asked about him, she only shrugged, as if she didn't care about him anymore. Despite that there were moments when the wound opened up once again and she was starting to think about him again. She was looking trough fantasy photomanipulations, paying a special attention to beautifully made sky and pictures looking as if taken out of a dream or fairytale. She didn't know what she was doing that for. She couldn't find him unless he wanted it.

{ "She didn't know why she did it; she knew she couldn't find him unless he wanted it." }

Such moments of weakness were short but happened more and more often, as if they were a forecast of something.

One day she was walking around the city with her friends. They {walked} down the streets, laughing and joking. She loved these people, she had a great fun with them. In one moment, though, she stopped walking. She saw a familiar-looking figure that was watching her. It was him, her old friend.

{ Don't even put "her old friend." It's more dramatic. wink }

He smiled at her subtly, in his way, almost only with his eyes. She didn't know what she should do. She was standing there, unable to move, looking at him. At last she came up to him, hugged him without a word, hiding her face in his shoulder, then rose to her toes to kiss him on the forehead and stroked his face. Then she turned around and began to walk away. Her friends were waiting for her. Without stopping, she turned to face him. He was still standing there, look{ing} astonished and, surprisingly, heavily defeated. She forced herself to keep walking, not stopping. Down her cheek ran a single tear which she didn't wipe, she only turned her face back to her friends. She walked away with them. He was still standing there, defeated. In the end he sighed and also went his way.


It was kind of an anticlimatic end, when you just end it "and also went his way." Do you add more to this elsewhere?

Um, the bold that doesn't have my comments to pair with it are instances where you use linking verbs, like "was standing" or "were walking," where you could use direct verbs, like "stood" or "walked." I don't have anything against linking verbs; I left several of them alone in your story. But, personally, I think you use them a little too often.

Be direct. 3nodding Only be indirect when it's stylish or absolutely necessary.

Overall, I liked it, concept-wise. I can definitely relate to it.  

[Rosealean]

This was really good and I liked it but it didn't flow too smoothly in some places. That's my only feedback because I think that the person before me pretty much got them all....

Other than that it was really, really good and I liked it a lot! ^_^  

[Gomenroia]

It makes me sad... but at the same time it would never happen to me. I get mad when people do stuff like that to me, and strike back long before the time of burning everything.  

[Kattie]

Thank you so much for the feedback, guys! heart I'll correct all the mistakes as soon as I can. 3nodding

EDIT: Okay, I corrected it. Does it seem better now?  

[Accidental Inspiration]

The flow is much better. smile There are still places where you use the "to be" form, stuff like "were walking," where maybe it would sound better to say it more directly, but they're definitely not as often.

Good job. *Thumbs up*