Redhaired Shadow

[Kattie]

Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining brightly, a gentle wind was blowing. Summer. On this beautiful day many people decided for a walk. They walked around the park, the marketplace, along watersides of a small river and on the bridge shifted across of it. They laughed, they chatted, they ate ice-cream or drank cold drinks. Nobody paid attention to a black-clad, cherry red-haired person sitting on a small wall on a waterside of the river, looking at the water. She didn't move, just sat there and stared. At one moment a couple stopped at her sight in some distance.

"Look, someone's sitting there", a young woman said to her companion.
"It's the Redhaired Shadow. She always comes here and sits for a couple of hours as if the world didn't exist."
"Why is she doing so?"
"Nobody knows. She doesn't pay attention to anyone and anything, doesn't say anything. She doesn't react when called."
"And why Shadow?"
"Because nobody acknowledges her."
"I wonder what happened to her."
"We won't know until she decides to tell. Come, let's leave her alone."

They left. For the whole time, as they talked, Shadow didn't pay attention to them, or so it seemed. She kept sitting like that for one more while, then she sighed silently, got up aptly and left, walking on the wall. Her head was sunken. Nobody noticed her when she passed by. Nobody heard her silent voice when she murmured.
"And why should I pay attention to anyone if nobody pays attention to me...?"

Written in July. For some reason I just felt like to write something like that. Definitely not my best, but oh well...Any kind of feedback would be more than welcome, as always. Oh, and if you spot a mistake, feel free to suggest how I should correct it or just how I could make the writing better. sweatdrop heart  

[Xahmen]

All the things you post are from ages ago.
Maybe you should make new things?  

[Kattie]

I'd love to, if I could. Unfortunately, I suffer from writer's block. sweatdrop  

[KirbyVictorious]

try remaking some of this stuff, Kattie. Show us both versions; at least then, we can see how much better you are now, and then we'll be able to tell what's from years back and what's from the present.

Oh, and one more thing: in writing, follow-through is EVERYTHING.

This was woefully short.

Good, but short.

It had no direction, no meaning, because simply, the end was missing.

Now, it probably doesn't have an end,

but that drives Kirby CRAZY.  

[Kattie]

Oh, but it DOES have the end. The final sentence, the one said by Shadow, was the end. sweatdrop Plus, it was supposed to be short. A lot of my stories are this way. Hm...though this one probably was shorter than others because there are less descriptions and more dialogue...  

[KirbyVictorious]

butbutbut...what HAPPENS?

I could make a whole novel out of this! it drives me crazy.  

[_Shiloh Filia_]

Kattie

Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining brightly, a gentle wind was blowing. Summer. On this beautiful day many people decided for a walk. They walked around the park, the marketplace, along watersides of a small river and on the bridge shifted across of it. They laughed, they chatted, they ate ice-cream or drank cold drinks. Nobody paid attention to a black-clad, cherry red-haired person sitting on a small wall on a waterside of the river, looking at the water. She didn't move, just sat there and stared. At one moment a couple stopped at her sight in some distance.

"Look, someone's sitting there", a young woman said to her companion.
"It's the Redhaired Shadow. She always comes here and sits for a couple of hours as if the world didn't exist."
"Why is she doing so?"
"Nobody knows. She doesn't pay attention to anyone and anything, doesn't say anything. She doesn't react when called."
"And why Shadow?"
"Because nobody acknowledges her."
"I wonder what happened to her."
"We won't know until she decides to tell. Come, let's leave her alone."

They left. For the whole time, as they talked, Shadow didn't pay attention to them, or so it seemed. She kept sitting like that for one more while, then she sighed silently, got up aptly and left, walking on the wall. Her head was sunken. Nobody noticed her when she passed by. Nobody heard her silent voice when she murmured.
"And why should I pay attention to anyone if nobody pays attention to me...?"

Written in July. For some reason I just felt like to write something like that. Definitely not my best, but oh well...Any kind of feedback would be more than welcome, as always. Oh, and if you spot a mistake, feel free to suggest how I should correct it or just how I could make the writing better. sweatdrop heart

I have to admit that if it didn't hold that sentimental value of the shadow, I don't know if I would be very impressed....but because of that value, I am indeed just that; impressed.

I could understand by this piece of work that you were definately feeling something, that either your friends or your family were not acknowledging you and you felt naught but a shadow. And that is where pieces like this come from.

I would suggest that if you wanted to make the piece seem "darker," not to use light, airy words. I don't know if you wanted the reader to feel something within them quiver or think deeper about these shadowy kind of people, but if that is the case then a darker feel might be more appropriate.

Also, what I would do is I would read over and over the piece and see if I feel what I want the reader to feel when I read it: if I don't, I would go back and add/edit the piece until I was very content.

But, keep on writing and nice job!! biggrin

godbless,

mel  

[Kattie]

Oh my, that was a nice, detailed feedback. Thank you so much! 3nodding heart  

[lidless_i]

It was a good read, if a little short. I think what kirby meant about needing an end has roots in the lack of closure that it gives. Even cliffhanger endings have some sense of closure. Suspense is created via a sort of half closure feeling, like "well I want to know more but that will do for now,". Having no sense of closure usually makes someone more disastisfied than in suspense. Hope you don't take offense to any of this, it isn't meant to be mean. Rather than ending it with her still walking and saying something, you could try ending it with her making it to the destination that she was headed for after saying it. A little thing like that can make a big difference, in my somewhat lacking expierience anyway. Sorry if someone else has already brought up this point, I didn't read all of the responses... because I'm lazy...  

[KirbyVictorious]

Just me.

Yesss I'm right.  

[Kattie]

lidless_i

It was a good read, if a little short. I think what kirby meant about needing an end has roots in the lack of closure that it gives. Even cliffhanger endings have some sense of closure. Suspense is created via a sort of half closure feeling, like "well I want to know more but that will do for now,". Having no sense of closure usually makes someone more disastisfied than in suspense. Hope you don't take offense to any of this, it isn't meant to be mean. Rather than ending it with her still walking and saying something, you could try ending it with her making it to the destination that she was headed for after saying it. A little thing like that can make a big difference, in my somewhat lacking expierience anyway. Sorry if someone else has already brought up this point, I didn't read all of the responses... because I'm lazy...

No offence taken at all. Thank you. 3nodding