Welcome to Gaia! ::

Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

Back to Guilds

This is a writer's guild where all can gather for feedback and advice on all mediums of writing. Plus it's a great place for conversation. 

Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

Reply Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild
Razor's Edge

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Aubre Lark

PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 3:00 pm
kay go easy on me...I seriously dunno how this will turn out.

It was pitch black in the hall, save for the soft glow of pooling gold light in the very center. The wind howled furiously outside, poundling the walls like an angry husband demanding to be let in, but there was no sign of the tempest within the stone cold silence of the hall. The light peaked and wavered in an endless cycle, several forms becoming just decipherable for the briefest of a moment before being swallowed up once again by the darkness.

She was formless, shapeless, everywhere and nowhere all at once; a thin gray mist that hovered in the cold air and clung to the ceiling. A low and undulating murmur caught her ears as she came closer and at first she thought it was a moan of pain. Then as the light peaked and the shadows retreated, she realized what was truly going on. There were twelve of them kneeling on the cold hard floor, forming a circle around the source of the light.

The moaning was a collective sound of their scarcely audible voices, each head dipped in a mode of worship. She feared that her presence would be discovered, but they were deathly still and there was barely any sign of even their breathing. They were dressed alike; thin white shifts and white headresses over their bowed heads. She had to time herself to the light as little by little their forms and sex became obvious. All were women, and all wore a heavy gold bracelet on each joined arm.

Her eyes trained on the pulsating light; it was blinking on and off like a firefly, but in the center of the light was a discernable shape. It was human and it was a woman. She moved closer to the light, suddenly conscious of the intense heat that radiated from the woman. She too was chanting something under her breath.

"Hekah...show us the way...Mother...show us the light"

The wind began picking up outside, gathering strenght until it sounded less like a howl and more like a painful human scream. It pounded even harder on the walls and the floor suddenly began to shake. The circle however remained unbroken; none of them even made any sign of registering the storm, but their low chanting became louder and stronger.

"Hekah...show us the way...Mother...show us the light"

She looked down and saw another figure sprawled on the floor, and wondered for a moment how she could have missed this one. The person was laying on the stomach, arms and legs spread eagle in surrender. There was something vaguely familiar about this figure but she couldn't tell what, well not from the height she hovered. The violence of the storm outside intensified, the screaming wind fair battering the walls down. The chanting also intenified but now there was a tinge of urgency and desperation in their voices.

"Hekah...show us the way..Mother...show us the light"

She tried to descend, but realized with a start that she was suddenly heavier. The grey mist around her was beginning to solidify and she realized with a pang that those below would soon be able to see her. A hand appeared, and then a foot.

"N-no....wait"

She was rapidly becoming solid but something was still holding her up to the ceiling. It was sucking her fast through the very walls and she began to struggle.

"Hekah show us the way...mother show us the light"

The chanting was steadily becoming faster, the voices rising to a cresendo. She struggled with whatever was pulling her away, eyes falling once again on the prone figure. She had to know who that was, why was that person so familiar? The light suddenly began to fail and a tremor ran through the circle of bound hands. She felt a tug on her navel and looked down one last time before she disappeared into the ceiling. The figure was half wrapped in a dark cloak, but the back was uncovered. There was a symbol covering the whole expanse of skin and she instantly realized why the figure was so familiar.

"Wait...no!"

But there was nothing she could do; it sucked her into the ceiling and then-

-"Wake up Mattie! You're gonna be late if you don't get your butt off that bed!"

She jolted upright with a half gasp, head turning wildly around the room.

"Finally! Mattie you'll be late again and we both know you don't want to be late today"

She sucked in a deep breath at the familiar voice below, looking down from the bunk bed at her room mate.

"T-thanks Rose, I'm up now"

Rose shrugged and walked to the full lenght mirror on the wall.

"Hey it's not me that's gotto be flipping burgers in about oh-ten minutes"

"Ten minutes?! Aw hell, I'm gonna be late"

She scrambled down the bed and literally dived into the tiny bathroom.

"I'm so fired this time, and it's all because I stayed up late last night"

As she turned into the small shower, the morning light bounced over the window , illuminating the symbol that took up the whoe expanse of her back.

The strange dream was promptly forgotten in the bustle of the morning, but she would surely return to it later that day.  
PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 8:48 am
Hmm.. This piece over all was very very intriguing. The title through me off a little, and Im not entirely sure what I was expecting.

I only saw a few grammar errors, such as puncuation and verb transistions. Also I noticed on one of the repetitive chants.. you did not place the "..." after Mother. I believe it was the last one. Im not sure if that was intended, but after reading them all with a puase, that last one through the flow off a bit.

This may also be a good piece to write a sequal. With her at work remembering her dream, and actually explaining what she dreamt of, and the symbol. Because I am quite curious.. lol.

All in All, very good.
Would really like to see more though.
biggrin
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain


Aubre Lark

PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 5:46 pm
Grammatical errors...yeah I suck at those sweatdrop But I'm glad you caught the lack of pause in the last one...I meant to portray the quickening pace of their chanting and their only apparent reaction to the storm outside. Thanks for reading...I do intend to develop this story more.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mattie tried to duck unsuccessfully behind the counter before the manager could see her. Unfortunately her imposing height made it difficult for her to ever get away with quick-and-dash- situations. His beady eyes homed on her from across the kitchen and she muttered a curse under her breath.

"Youre late! Again! What is wrong with you Avarel, can't you ever get the fact that this is a work place?!"

She lowered her gaze, preferring to concentrate on the intricate pattern of marble cut and set into the floor. Mattie had always been fascinated with stones for as long as she could remember, collecting different kinds of rocks for no good reason other than to stare at their unique patterns for hours on end.

She imagined this one to be a never ending spiral down to nothingness...the sharp edges like the razor sharp teeth of a venomous viper rearing up from the deep... perhaps the oval pink could be it's cavernous mouth, glistening with piquant and painful venom....

"I am sick and tired of putting up with your nonchalance, your lackadaisical attitude to work and your indifference to corrections. I don't know why i don't just fire you on the spot."

"Because really you're afraid of me and what i'd do to you afterwards"

A distant voice whispered in her head in response. His voice became a garbled and distorted sound in the background as the marble pattern on the floor seemed to swallow Mattie whole. Her whole concentration was focused on taking the spiralling steps into the serpent's mouth, even her breathing was slow and strained. Finally the manager realized her lack of awareness and this only managed to infuriate him the more

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!"

Mattie looked up with a start, and he stepped back slightly from the wild stare she gave him. Her pupils had dilated into solid black pools that stood out startlingly from the pallor of her face. There was something vaguely dangerous about her lack of expression, and he suddenly took it upon himself to notice there was a shortage of buns.

"I-i'm warning you Avarel, shape up or you'll be shipped out. You are not indispensable and there are plenty more that can replace you in the blink of an eye."

He turned to walk away, leaving Mattie standing on the spot, frowning at the dirty floor with a startled expression on her face.

The only good thing about working at the burger joint was that one never had time to do more than think about the next order. Orders were constantly coming in and out and Mattie was up on her feet the whole time. It wasn't until much later in the evening, when her shift was over that she had time to contemplate the day.

It was the fifth time that week tthat the manager had complained about her coming late, but it wasn't entirely her fault either. They'd experienced a sudden influx of customers and contrary to his assertions that people were just dying for the chance to flip burgers, no one had even come around asking for an application. And so the few employees had to work longer hours to meet demand, often working late into the night before shifts were switched.

And then when Mattie finally got home and sank into bed, exhausted beyond all thought, she couldn't even find sleep. Her nights were constantly plagued by strange dreams that left her feeling both sad and exhausted come morning.

"Gerroff the road you bloody wanker!"

An irate taxidriver shook his fist at the stupid pedestrian standing in the middle of the busy road. Mattie blinked and shrugged apologetically wondring how she could have been so absent minded on the road. It was a brisk walk from work to the dilapidated apartment complex where she shared a room with an old school friend.

Living in a cheesy aparment and working in an even more cheesy eatery, the same place she worked during the summers at school, it seemed that now after four years there was nothing more to look forward to. But it hadn't always been that way. There was once a time when she was living in the lap of luxury and had everything provided at her beck and call. Ferdinand Avarel was a successful businessman and Regina his wife, a devoted housewife. Their only child was their pride and joy.

Mattie's life had undergone a complete turnaround, starting from that stormy night when she recieved the phone call about her parents' death. She remembered that night as if it were seared with iron into her brain. Mattie had woken up screaming from a terrible nightmare just as the telephone began to ring.

She stopped opposite her destination, crossing the portholed streetin front of the complex without bothering to look out for cars or bikes. The front door was open-as usual- it would take more than a few burglary cases to make the utility manager come take a look. Her door opened without much effort and Mattie wondered whether Rose was back, or they'd been visited again by burglars. The aparment was empty, which meant it was the burglars again. But this time she was just too tired to bother cheking around. Mattie slumped on the sofa and closed her eyes.  
PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 6:14 pm
again with those grammar errors. Though this one was relitivly better.
And there also were a few typos. if only if only Gaia added a spell check to forum posts. lol.

This I must say.. has me hooked. Im rather curious.. but adding the second installment, as a vague connector was a smart idea.
Cant wait for more.
 

Tak-Jak
Vice Captain


KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 12:04 pm
O.o

?

que? por que? Kirby esta confudida?  
PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 4:37 pm
No comprendes, Kirby?
Que?

"Which do you think goes better, the red or the black?"

"You know I really don't care...just pick one already"

"But Ma'acha...both robes are just too pretty. I can't decide"

The woman raised an impatient arm and knocked one of the garments- the red one- to the floor, indicating a muted preference for the black. Mattie watched them from her vantage position over the huge canopied bed. She was half crouched, half hanging on one of the many support beams for the ceiling. There were two individuals on the bed, one reclining while the other half kneeled and presented her objects. And as usual neither one of them seemed to register her presence.

"Now you're picked a robe, what about jewelry?"

The one called Ma'acha made what sounded like an impatient hiss before half rising from the bed. Mattie sucked in a breath at the elaborate symbol etched on the whole expanse of her back, a pang of surprise striking through her because it was the very same birthmark spread upon her back.

It's origin had always been a mystery. Not even the doctors and nurses at the hospital had been able to render any valid explanation for why a new born would emerge from the womb with such a grusome picture on her body. Everyone eventually chucked it to a freak of nature...things like that happened once in a while. It was a landscape of faint scarlet, with a faded black widow spider squirming from a writhing black web. Each of its eight legs were fully extended in a predatorial pounce

The woman stiffened and looked around suspiciously, as if she'd finally registered another presence in the room. Mattie suddenly hoped whomever she was could not detect the figure hanging to the ceiling. But the woman looked everywhere but up before, seemingly satisfied with her search, she settled back on the bed. When she moved, the spider seemed to descend lower on her back.

"What is wrong Ma'acha?"

"Nothing...I just felt... never mind. I'm not interested in picking out any jewelry for an event that will take place in the dead of the night. No one cares whatever I'm wearing anyway"

Mattie angled herself closer to the tattoed woman, but the latter's head was down and she couldn't see her face. Her companion shifted away from view and presently returned with a tray of cosmetics. A hot pressure was rising in her chest, an unexplainable heaviness that sent a chill trickle down her spine. Every instinct in her told her to move closer, even though there was a great chance of her being seen.

"Come now, you don't mean to tell me that the greatest sorceress in the Seven worlds is afraid of crowds"

The other woman's teasing earned her a pillow thrown in the direction of her face. She dodged and quickly retaliated, but her attack was deflected by an invisible wind. She pouted briefly and then reached for the tray.

"You're only trying to distract me, so you won't be ready for the gathering and eventually not show up"

She climbed the bed slowly, extending a large ivory mirror to the sorceress.

"Here, hold that for me"

Mattie strained her neck to breaking point just to get a glimpse of the other woman. An when she did, the shock of it made her let go of her hold on the ceiling beams. The face in the mirror...olive gold skin, wide gray eyes, aquelline nose, high cheek bones and that thin scar above the left eye lid....

"Her face...My face...My face..Her face...My... OH!"

She was falling from the ceiling...it was getting farther and farther...the only destination was down...to the bed...to the sorceress...to her.

"Geeze Mattie, WAKE UP ALREADY! There's someone here for you"

Mattie bolted from the sofa, dragging in a lungful of cold air as she turned to Rose.

"W-what! I'm awake!"

"There's some woman here to see you"

Rose pointed to the door and Mattie felt her knees go weak

"I-It can't be"

It was the same woman from her dream...  

Aubre Lark

Reply
Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum