Death Scene: Help Needed

[Renton Noah]

Introduction : Our story take place in Andaimo a world that parallels Earth 17century yet they are in there 34century. There several religions but one of the most powerful one is the Ubiquitous Church, fully control be Hierarch Rhea-Sactuarie. Humans live with immortals creatures and demons among each others.

Characters : There several character from totally different races, religions and even different worlds.

Jericho Silvia Cortess : Our protagonist, he is a honest men who join the Ubiquitous Church because he lost his memory. He holds the title of ‘Father’ within the church and control minimum power. However he has no magic ability, other then the use of Sutra the ability to purified objects and people. He believe he can heard the words of the Ubiquitor, his god and goes on a quest to find a mystical shrine.
Victor Eugène Delacroix AKA Argento Rubedo Weiss : Our anti-hero, Victor doesn’t think twice about killing, and he is and expert on it. He has taken several drugs and done nanomachine-reconstruction which allow him to accelerate the cell reproduction. For that Victor has not age and has hard trouble understanding it process.

Yarilo drove the blade stray into Victor neck, leaving a heavy tears falling from his face.
“You always being this way Yarilo. If you don’t have the strengths then don’t ridicule your self.”
Victor removed the blade from his neck. His face had being splatter with blood. As the blade was remove the wound heal instantly.
“Nanotechnology! It’s beyond anything I ever seen.”
Taela was shock. Victor unhealthy self-defense mechanism had allow him to gain the upper hand.
“Yarilo I know everything about you. How could you possible believe to hurt me? I know you kill you both of your parents, because they abuse you. In the same way you hated Reid because he posses Chaltie. I need not to talk of Stahn who you also envy for possession over Berselius. Veigue because he had Igtenos.”
Yarilo was unable to contain his rage and commence his blind berserk rage against Victor be charging right tower him.
“He who stands in the light of the Heavens and opens the gates of Hell. Arise lightning of god heed my command. Meo Twister.”
Victor had manage to combine the power of his sword, Miraculum Arts, and those derive from the power of Mana, Arcane Artes.
An immeasurable glyph for above them covering the skies. It was highly detail containing all the heavenly bodies know to men and some that Jericho had never even seen before.
All eyes were in Victor who seem to be using his blade to call each planet a special a alignment. Taela began to understand what was it that Victor had done.
“Is the ‘Grant Syzygy’, the Dreadstar Disaster or better know as Space Catastrophe. My father told me that when all planets are align there shall come catastrophe beyond human imagination.”
Jericho looked back at the young girl it was hardly impossible that a command man would know that.
“Taela just who was your father?"
Taela turn to her master and smile.
“His name was Klessirpemdo Vinedo. I think he may have held a position as one of kings right hand men. Dad didn’t talk about those things.” Goemon instead was absorbing all the knowledge he could get from this battle.
Syzygy is the alignment of three celestial bodies in the same gravitational system along a straight line. This form a giant cross in the sky and from each planet-form glyph came a tremendous wind and several tornados were form.
Victor was controlling them with the movement of his fingers. Yarilo try to use all his speed to doge the tremendous vacuum force of the tornados.
“You think a little winds will frighten me?”
Victor smile and Yarilo turn his eyes on him.
“Now look that wonderful. You are so much beautiful when you smile. Oh if I could only--”
Yarilo was cut out guard and trap, in sphere of wind slicing at anyone caught within. Victor rose his hand as if casting the final judgment, meanwhile electricity began to run though the tornados.
Creating a dome of electrical mayhem. Goemon eyes had fallow everything.
“This is a bailed testament of the incredible willpower and strength of mind. That Victor posses. If I could become his apprentice, I’m without doubt that I will grow stronger then my father’s killer.”
Yarilo struggle to move within the done of electricity and the wind blades cutting his body. He move Clemente in front of him, his movement was slowly one of the wind blades had cut his back. The gagging won would had kill any mortal within a matter of seconds.
“Asra’s Gate…”
Yarilo moved Clemente ripping though the electric done and then created a field of negative energy around himself.
Taela pointed toward him and turn to looked a Jericho.
“A negative-field hum? Well Taela is simple, using the basics for Mana use backwards. Instead of drawing within element to create a specific effect, one release the element store within one’s body to remove all Mana within and area. This create a dens-opaque light, different people can utilize for different effects."
Victor fingers ran around the handle of his sword. Obviously, he had not the least worries.
“Yarilo, you never killed a man before, have you? There is a rush of adrenaline before you take someone's life. To see the fire die in there eyes. To rob them of there future. Can you do that to me? To your once Commandant?”
Yarilo struggled, several of the cuts in his body from his early battle beginning to open. Blood was flowing though them. If he had not been a vampire, he obviously would have died.
“I can. And is because I love you. And I want to have you. You are mine!” Once more Yarilo's passion had lead him to his demise. His movements were not as fast as before, even more clumsy. If he would have been fighting a human, there would not have been a problem.
But Victor was nothing like a human. He enjoyed killing like one enjoys the sunlight on one's skin.
“Selfish idiot. My life is not yours either, no one's other then mine. No god nor devils shall ever have me. And your are not the exception.”
Victor brought Hresvelgr, a massive broadsword, to his knees. Running with the massive blade would normally had being impossible task, but he did with no problem.
On the other side Yarilo was coming right toward him, with his bone-scythe in his hands. His movements left a trial of blood.
“Why do you refuse my love? Is that hard for you to understand it Commandant?!” Yarilo raised the scythe in one hand, placed perfectly waiting to run into his lover, decapitating him if the hit would connect.
“All I want is you in this world.” Yarilo’s eyes were full with heavy tears.
Victor took no care for them and easy dodged the erratic hits of Yarilo, positioning Hresvelgr in front of him like a shield.
“Let us depart together, my love…”
Scythe was brought down, Victor carefully parry the disarmed Yarilo and sending his scythe flying into the air.
“Stellar Circle.” Victor's cold-voice ripped all hopes of Yarilo's love. As Yarilo drowned in an endless sea of despair, glyph was form around Hresvelgr, then burst. An array of thrusts pierced Yarilo's weaken body. He fell to the ground with a hard thump.
“Doesn’t…matter what you…put me through…I will…always believe in…our love…”
Victor had the curtsey of turning him around and allowing Yarilo to see him before dying.
“I…I…want to…die in…your arms.”
Victor's fevered emotion had died down. He slowly grasped the injured Yarilo and took him in his arms.
“Your foolish child. You could had lived, you know if you ran I would have spared your life.”
Yarilo place his bloody hand on Victor’s cheek.
“I…prefer to…die from…your hand…to live…a million years….with out…you. Don’t…you…see…I…love you.” His breathing faded away slowly and he became still.
“Idiot. I never loved you and will never loved you. But I do hope wherever you go you will be loved.”
Victor close Yarilo’s eyes and put his body on the floor. He then use Hresvelgr to create a crater in the floor, and slowly moved his body there.
“Rest in peace, my student.” Victor kiss his hand and placed it on top of Yarilo's forehead.  

[lucyVUITTON]

I liked it, but the talking was a bit confused since you didn't say, "Yarilo said" or "Victor said".
Overall, I liked it. I was a bit sad about Yarilo dying, even though I hardly knew him--that's a good trait to have as a writer.  

[Renton Noah]

lmm7777

I liked it, but the talking was a bit confused since you didn't say, "Yarilo said" or "Victor said".
Overall, I liked it. I was a bit sad about Yarilo dying, even though I hardly knew him--that's a good trait to have as a writer.

I use to use Yarilo said and this guy said but I think it overdone. You can that Yarilo is talking because he uses the world "love" when he refers to Victor and Victor uses the word "foolish" when he refears to Yarilo. I do wanted to make it sad and It seem it work.
Well I have a lot more about Yarilo but it need editing so I didn't post it  

[lucyVUITTON]

Okay, but I was just telling you how it was confusing, nonetheless. :/  

[Renton Noah]

Oh no is fine I mean I understand where you are coming from. Do you think I could say something else instead like. Victor shouted or Victor murmur. Or some other expression other then repeatedly saying "said"? I'm open to suggestions  

[lucyVUITTON]

That would be nice; said is often overused in many stories.
Maybe you should also try making some different paragraphs instead of making it all into one.  

[Renton Noah]

I should. Spliting it up allow my easy for one to see what going on with the characters great idea  

[Renton Noah]

I still feel like it maybe lacking emotion it not that strong. Or could it just be me?  

[Voxxx]

Oh, no way. It's definitely not lacking in emotion. In fact, it's very passionate, seemingly. The dialogue has a good feel to it, and the characters are noteworthy. The only problem is a few little grammatical errors.

Good job! If you ever write any more on this, let me know. The story's great, I'd love to see more. 3nodding  

[KirbyVictorious]

Mind if I edit this and fix the mistakes?

And then I'll critique it. But there're some things...  

[KirbyVictorious]

Victor fingers ran around the handle of his sword. Obviously, he had not the least worries.
“Yarilo, you never killed a man before, have you? There is a rush of adrenaline before you take someone's life. To see the fire die in there eyes. To rob them of there future. Can you do that to me? To your once Commandant?”
Yarilo struggled, several of the cuts in his body from his early battle beginning to open. Blood was flowing though them. If he had not ben a vampire, he obviously would have died.
“I can. And is because I love you. And I want to have you. You are mine!” Once more Yarilo's passion had lead him to his demise. His movements were not as fast as before, even more clumsy. If he would have been fighting a human, there would nto have been a problem.
But Victor was nothing like a human. He enjoyed killing like one enjoys the sunlight on one's skin.
“Selfish idiot. My life is not yours either, no one's other then mine. No god nor devils shall ever have me. And your are not the exception.”
Victor brought Hresvelgr, a massive broadsword, to his knees. Running with the massive blade would normally had being impossible task, but he did with no problem.
On the other side Yarilo was coming right toward him, with his bone-scythe in his hands. His movements left a trial of blood.
“Why do you refuse my love? Is that hard for you to understand it Commandant?!” Yarilo raised the scythe in one hand hand, placed perfectly waiting to run into his lover, decapitating him if the hit would connect.
“All I want is you in this world.” Yarilo’s eyes were full with heavy tears.
Victor took no care for them and easy dodged the erratic hits of Yarilo, positioning Hresvelgr in front of him like a shield.
“Let us depart together, my love…”
Scythe was brought down, Victor carefully parry the disarmed Yarilo and sending his scythe flying into the air.
“Stellar Circle.” Victor's cold-voice ripped all hopes of Yarilo's love. As Yarilo drowned in an endless sea of despair, glyph was form around Hresvelgr, then burst. An array of thrusts pierced Yarilo's weaken body. He fell to the ground with a hard thump.
“Doesn’t…matter what you…put me through…I will…always believe in…our love…”
Victor had the curtesy of turning him around and allowing Yarilo to see him before dying.
“I…I…want to…die in…your arms.”
Victor's fevered emotion had died down. He slowly grasped the injured Yarilo and took him in his arms.
“Your foolish child. You could had lived, you know if you ran I would have spared your life.”
Yarilo place his bloody hand on Victor’s cheek.
“I…prefer to…die from…your hand…to live…a million years….with out…you. Don’t…you…see…I…love you.” His breathing faded away slowly and he became still.
“Idiot. I never loved you and will never loved you. But I do hope wherever you go you will be loved.”
Victor close Yarilo’s eyes and put his body on the floor. He then use Hresvelgr to create a crater in the floor, and slowly moved his body there.
“Rest in peace, my student.” Victor kiss his hand and placed it on top of Yarilo's forehead.


Okay, first of all, WTF. Who are these people again?

Loved loved loved your writing. Even if it WASN'T in perfect English. Not bad, for someone who's learning. Main problem: tense. Past tense usually has a -d or an -ed at the end. And "in" and "on." They're different. Oh, and possessives in English have an 's at the end. Ex.: Victor's sword.

Not bad, not bad at all.  

[Renton Noah]

Thank you KirbyVictorious. I updated the story with more background and the corections you had made. So if anyone wants to read again I hope they be able to understand a bit more of what is going on. Like I said before I'm always open for suggestions  

[KirbyVictorious]

Call me Kirby wink and no problem.

ooh, new addition. Intriguing.

And PS, I didn't think Yarilo was the villian. Hrm.

I spot several conjujation and comma errors and such, but I can't edit now. Want me to later?  

[Renton Noah]

KirbyVictorious

Call me Kirby wink and no problem.

ooh, new addition. Intriguing.

And PS, I didn't think Yarilo was the villian. Hrm.

I spot several conjujation and comma errors and such, but I can't edit now. Want me to later?

Hey if you could edited it would be great. And what makes you think Yarilo is not the villian?  

[[.Disposable Dweeb.]]

All in all, I think it was a good story... But it may require a bit more, an introduction, I found it difficult to keep track of characters. A bit of grammar work wouldnt hurt either... Either way, I liked the plot, and all in all enjoyed it for the most part.