~POEM~ She can't. CRITISISM WANTED

[Saikiyoumi]

She's all alone again,
her only friend a gleaming knife on her bed;
colored crimson from her despair,
and darkening regret staining the floor at her feet.

What she can't love,
still hurts her.
What she can't breath,
still posions her.
What she can't see,
still haunts her.
What she can't hear,
still hunts her.

Her light is fading,
and her life will soon be done.
But she reamins waiting,
Hoping for a rising sun.

She's no longer breathing,
as she awaits in her grave.
But her hearts remains beating,
hoping that she will be saved.  

[Gambino Statue]

Constructive Criticism:

1. The most unimaginative words you can use are; knife, regret, despair, crimson, lonliness, death, blood.
Think about that.

2. Don't use words in an an awkward way; grammer is always a necessity. If you can't tell which parts of the poem I'm referring too, maybe that's something you need to word on.

3. Think about the poem. What is the message in this? What does this poem say to the reader? What does it say to you? Does this poem really reflect the way you feel or have you forced a string of cliched (for lack of a better word) attempts at depression onto the keyboard?  

[-Isel-]

In poetry, E.E. Cummings proved that grammar is not a necessity.

I like listing him as an inspiration because then I've got the right to just throw words together that only make sense after really looking at it for a long time.  

[~Rei the kawii chibi~]

For people who read fast, it's kinda hard to get. The whole idea of the purpose lingers. Make it to where it makes more sence. Unless it makes perfect sence to you then that I cannot help you with. but I know I have written poems that don't even make sence to myself. So if that is a problem, don't worry, it's pretty normal.
I'm done now. Buh-bye.

 

[Gambino Statue]

I'm not sure if this forum is at E.E. Cummings just yet.  

[XXX Zombie Porn]

Quote:

What she can't love,
still hurts her.
What she can't breath,
still posions her.

Maybe if you swapped the 'still hurts her' and 'still poisons her' around.
Just seems it'd make more sense.  

[Saikiyoumi]

xLIZA

Constructive Criticism:

1. The most unimaginative words you can use are; knife, regret, despair, crimson, lonliness, death, blood.
Think about that.

2. Don't use words in an an awkward way; grammer is always a necessity. If you can't tell which parts of the poem I'm referring too, maybe that's something you need to word on.

3. Think about the poem. What is the message in this? What does this poem say to the reader? What does it say to you? Does this poem really reflect the way you feel or have you forced a string of cliched (for lack of a better word) attempts at depression onto the keyboard?

for the record, I only write hoe i feel... nothing is forced.  

[[~Rumbling-Hearts~]]

I love it! It is really good. I write poems myself....

-HA! You have been ninjafied!!!
~The emo ninja ~  

[Mortal Apparition]

emo emo emo That's really good. emo emo emo  

[[.Meechie.]]

All this time is wasted,pretending we're in love,but thats alright

well I don't think it's that bad.
Maybe you could add more detail to her pain and neglect so I could feel it.
So every one can feel it.Then when your poem has the passion and feeling it would be good till then it's okay.

Cause you know I love being with you & seeing you cry

 

[Kaz!nsky]

Miss Ann Thrope_x

Quote:

What she can't love,
still hurts her.
What she can't breath,
still posions her.

Maybe if you swapped the 'still hurts her' and 'still poisons her' around.
Just seems it'd make more sense.

Reconstruct the whole poem please. Youre talented.

whee