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 Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 7:19 pm
I Wrote a poem in my journal recently but it's kinda bothering me. I'm not too sure what it is but it just doesn't feel as good as my other poems.... I could use any critiques and advice that anyone has to offer.
Here's my poem:
Ice Queen
Pale skin,
eery glowing.
Light grey hair,
Long and flowing.
Her back to me,
I want to see...
She turns, I freeze,
Her stony eyes on me.
My breath catches,
Blood running cold.
Her icy stare pericing my mold
I knew her ways
I bowed to hand.
Her majesty The Ice Queen...
The ruler of our land.
She takes a step, one by one
I dread the worst to come.
She raised her hand
But touched my cheek.
I shuddered, feeling weak.
"My child." She whispers, her voice so clear
"You have sinned. You cannot stay here."
Her majesty the Ice Queen...
The ruler of our land.
I could not say anything,
Her smile was unnerving.
I felt my wings breaking
My scream was blood curling
Her Majesty The Ice Queen...
The ruler of our land.
Blood trickled down my back,
I felt the worst of the attack.
"Locked in a tower,
There you shall stay.
No one will come to help you,
There is truly no way.
Your sins are more and plenty,
Adding up everyday.
I cannot let you live freely.
You can no longer live this way."
Her majesty The Ice Queen...
The ruler of our land,
The queen had spoken, there was no fight.
I wanted to leave with all my might.
If you ever shall meet her, please listen to this:
The Ice Queen is merciless.
With her there is no bliss.
This is written through the perspective of my roleplay Character Liriel Crestoc. She's the duaghter of the Ice Queen and has been branded a sinner becuase she has done things like falling in love with a human, Not remaining pure, and many other things.
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 2:10 pm
It doesn't seem that even. You're applying the same rules to each stanza but it kind of seems they aren't remaining as it was in the beginning, so it seems a bit off. I'm not sure if it's like that for you but it seems to me that that is the problem. But it's so cold it's frozen.
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 7:52 pm
Wishing_time_now It doesn't seem that even. You're applying the same rules to each stanza but it kind of seems they aren't remaining as it was in the beginning, so it seems a bit off. I'm not sure if it's like that for you but it seems to me that that is the problem. But it's so cold it's frozen. I reread it alloud and you're right. It is off, especially at the end. I'm not too sure how to make the ending flow back with the rest of the poem though. Um...Is the "Cold" comment a compliment?
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Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 7:28 pm
nods, besides that. I can't write poems at all so I think you did a good job...
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Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 12:36 pm
yea the beat is a bit off
but i'm a little confused...
what exactly is this queen doing to her daughter to make her bleed?
maybe also you could try changing what the Queen says...
i understand what you're trying to get across..but those types of lines/sayings are a little over used.
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Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:06 pm
cool! i like it. it does seem a might hazy, like not matching quite so much, but all-in-all its pretty good biggrin
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Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 6:02 pm
IT has a beat, but the beat changes throughout, Shortening a few lines or makeing a few a little longer might help, but then you might not get across what your trying to say.
I like that it is cold, the mood of ice brings things in clear focus that this person has done something bad and is being punnished, all in all a good piece
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Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 8:55 pm
This is not one of my better poems I admit. I've been in a slump lately. My stories are MUCH better though. ^^
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