How to Persecute a Christian! (SATIRE)

[Six Billion of Spades]

A little satire I wrote in about an hour...

I don’t think I can have more fun than when I find myself in the midst of a theological discussion. From time to time, I’ve spoken with good, upstanding Christians who can’t help bringing up the topic of atheistic persecution against Christianity. Almost every time I’m asked about it, I’m overwhelmed with a nauseating sense of guilt, but not because I feel personally responsible. I just don’t feel that I’ve been doing my job to intensify Christian persecution. While it is already at an acceptable level, I feel that we should push the bar even higher.

So, in order to pacify my guilty conscience, I humbly present a short list of procedures even the most casual nonbeliever can apply to a wide variety of situations in order to ensure that Christianity will remain as a religion populated by maltreated victims.

1. Quote the Constitution.
Quoting the U.S. Constitution is the most widely employed methods of religious persecution. Besides calling into question their indomitable influence on American law and political affairs, it also gives the impression that atheists actually have a respectable standpoint. This is exactly why quoting the Constitution works; the Christians obviously do not plan to renounce their campaigns to push Intelligent Design and mandatory prayer into the public school system. Being prevented from doing so will logically follow with cries of “Stop persecuting me!”, “’Mommy!’”, and *fetal position*.

2. Advocate the separation of church and state.
Sometimes, simply suggesting that Christians are not allowed total, unquestioned authority over all state institutions is enough to drive most Christians into an epileptic seizure. Because the United States government was founded on Christian principles (see the Treaty of Tripoli for proof), any partition between the institutions of church and state would relegate Christianity to the level of a victimized minority. Naturally, the total annihilation of Christianity would soon follow.

3. Refuse to convert.
Rejection of Christian dogma is considered by some to be the ultimate insult to Christianity in general. After all, if a religion can’t have everyone under its cape, it isn’t a religion. Remember; your right to atheism directly obstructs the Christians’ right to impose their version of morality and equality upon the populace. This strategy doesn’t require a great deal of explanation; it is short and to the point, and gets your anti-religious message across to those who are truly willing to take the hint.

4. Tell them you just want your rights.
As is to be expected, Christians do not want certain minorities to possess human rights. As we all know, the very concession that minorities may somehow consist of normal human beings is a danger to the very basis of Christian canon. Thus, it logically follows that granting these groups the rights to which the majority is entitled would shatter Christianity and religious authority forever; Christianity cannot exist if the Christians are not entitled to their right to discriminate against minorities. Obviously, the Christians do not want to lose this privilege and are angered by the possibility, which is what makes this technique so practical.

American atheists, consider this a call to action. The Christians in this country have held us in their political vice grip long enough, and the time has finally come to revolt against Christianity by harassing any and all Christians with political rallies, appeals to religious freedom, and the promotion equal rights for all human beings (excluding Christians, of course). With the proper support and ammunition, we can push Christianity into the corner with all the other innocent religions of the world.  

[Jessica Malatori]

Quite funny. Good job.  

[Cirosan]

The pigs are walking!

Thank you to those of you who got that. Note that the exclamation was satire as well.

Very funny. I laughed my a** off at it, particularly the "see the Treaty of Tripoli for proof" part and the "human rights" outrage. Sadly, though, most of that seems to be right on mark for certain people I know (namely with people who proclaim I'm going to burn in Hell with "him," at which point they pull out their wallet and procure a playing card with Saddam Hussain's picture on it).

I don't have a problem with religion. It's people who use it as an excuse to be bigoted with "divine permission" that I can't stand.  

[Theophrastus]

You, sir, are now safe to enter my circle of friends.

Four legs good, two legs bad.  

[Azakarian]

Man, Great effort, Well done, It shall be used greatly.  

[=X-Sparker + AquaKiller=]

that's so funny.  

[Six Billion of Spades]

Cirosan

The pigs are walking!

Well, if Comrade Napoleon says it, it must be right. smile  

[Becka Minato]

Lol, awesome job. ^_^  

[Tenth Speed Writer]

Dude, two legs are better now.


Watch it though, or it'll be the chickens before too long.  

[Ruminating Skeptic]

LOL I find it funny how they make up the majority of the population, and somehow they're the ones who are persecuted. Actually, that might happen soon where I live. In Canada, every religious group has equal footing, or damn close to.

So glad I don't live in the US. eek

Very nice job. rofl  

[Dissnitive Blade]

Good Charlotte Aficionado

LOL I find it funny how they make up the majority of the population, and somehow they're the ones who are persecuted. Actually, that might happen soon where I live. In Canada, every religious group has equal footing, or damn close to.

So glad I don't live in the US. eek

Very nice job. rofl

Speaking of how some Christians think they are oppressed here is a nifty -yet funny- pie chart:
 

[Six Billion of Spades]

murasame blade

That's going on my wall. rofl  

[SkeletonPhoenix]

LOL rofl rofl ninja Most truthful post i've seen.  

[lamadoll]

lighting them on fire makes them pretty angry  

[Rabid Robot]

Brilliant. rofl