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If your crush were a Twinkie, what would you do to it?
Preserve it lovingly, all pretty and perfect in its natural plastic-wrapped bliss
Tear open the wrapper and bite in, savoring the way the complex palate of flavor plays over your lusty tongue
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark
One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.Ten:Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
"He's from Afghanistan. We don't know much about him, other than he ate a cat once. We can't figure out how to pronouce his ****ing name, so we just call him the cat eating alien."
dewchic420: do you know the muffin man?
EnchantedQuill13: the MUFFIN MAN??
dewchic420: th muffin man.
EnchantedQuill13: The MOTHER ****ING MUFFIN MAN???
dewchic420: yes, do you knowthe muffin man
EnchantedQuill13: We go way back.
dewchic420: thats cool
EnchantedQuill13: He screwed my outta child suport
dewchic420: lol thats kind creepy
EnchantedQuill13: lol
EnchantedQuill13: i know
dewchic420: so you have half muffin kids that i didnt know about?
EnchantedQuill13: we met in kindergarten, and sooner or later, we had all these little muffns runnin around dreary lane. he left my and my little cupcakes w/o payin a dime. Stupid man-whore. EnchantedQuill13: or muffin-whore.
EnchantedQuill13: depends on how you look at it.
dewchic420: rofl, muffin whore sounds better
EnchantedQuill13: whishper: i sleep with dead people.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
It Must Be The NBA.
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits..........And 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . Scroll down, citizen!
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. "
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50
for about 20 minutes.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
One evening my dog greeted me with a powdery white face. Looking around, I found an empty pill bottle on the floor and immediately called the poison control hotline. "My dog just ate a large number of antacid tablets. What should I do?" I asked anxiously. After consulting with colleagues, the doctor on duty said, chuckling, "We feel the best thing you can do for your dog is to take him out for some Mexican food."
PadfootLives287: I strangle John boy, ate a lemon bar, grabbed a mocha latte and realized i have no life
PadfootLives287: here i am sipping on my latte, thinking of what my life would be like if i was sombody. god knows who.
PadfootLives287: somebody who won the lottery
PadfootLives287: that would be nice
I have recently apparated and I plan to dissapparate and apparate back to where I dissapparated from momentarily.
Two words: Cornish Pixies
You have reached the offices of the Supreme Lord Voldemort. His Exquisite Evilness is in a meeting with his Death Eaters, crafting deviously sinister plans for the demise of one Harold Potter. Please try again after the All Powerful Dark Master has conquered the Earth. Thank you and have a nice day.
BannanaMuffin: i am nooooooooot mental i just have a thing for cheese
"Yeah! The Pretty is coming back! The Pretty is coming back! Big! Gay! Chris! WHOOPEE!!!!!" --Demian
"As I sit here on the computer, I come to realize that Big Gay Chris is not coming back and that this god damned show should have been f***ing cancelled four years ago. Oh, but don't worrying about me though; I will just be sitting here sucking on my tailpipe waiting for a Chrisless seventh season. B*stards." -- Demian
SNUFFLES?! SNUFFLES IS THAT YOU?!?!!?
*gets mad look in her eye* hes alive... he's here... dont u hear him? just to find him.....
PADFOOT!!???? COME HERE!!!
Once upon a time lived a snotty, flat-faced giant named Brenna. She had a very large nose and problems speaking because her bottom teeth grew like a hamster's, so it was lodged up through her mouth. After she had her teeth sawed down by the vet, she spoke like Darth Vadar. She had a friend who did NOT have a snotty, flat-faced attitude and a large nose. Hers is just pointy, and she has very crooked teeth too.
Brenna grew up to suffer brain damage from her overwhemly large bottom teeth, which eventually grew up to her brain. She currently resides at Crest Hills Center for Uncontrollable Mental Patients. Her hobbies include collecting rabbits and chipmunks (even though the Easter Bunny attacked when she was young) and starring at the candy machine outside her room. She is obsessed with M&Ms and Lays' Potato Chips.
Her favortite saying is :"You took my life saver! Give it back."
Warning: If you to see Brenna in Crest Hills, bewarned. Kicking and puching may occur. Also, she only says "Hi, my names Brenna." "The name's Brenna." "The Brenna-mister is here." Over and over and over again.
i threw the love letters
you wrote me
out to sea
lets face it:
it was the closest i could get to
drowning you
There must be millions of people
all over the world that don’t get love letters.
I could be their leader.
- Charlie Brown -
It's funny because when it rains it pours
and we have enough money for wars but
not to feed the poor.
 MissingxParts · Wed Jun 06, 2007 @ 04:42am · 0 Comments |
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