View User's Journal

Report This Entry Subscribe to this Journal

I wonder still.

	Wrong.
	Wrong.


Violent, withdrawn, inflexible, depressed, unhappy, cruel, insensitive, and foolish; these I knew very well. Timid, simple, insecure, ignorant, irrational, distant, chaotic, impatient, embarrassed, panicky, and passive; these I knew, but didn't pay so much attention to. I've been called backwards, stuck-up, a b*h, a b*d, evil, wrong, a liar, arrogant, a coward, stupid, selfish, hostile, lowly, close-minded, sarcastic, brash, thoughtless...so, so many more. Read those carefully, and agree. You've all seen it. I've seen it too. I've been confronted multiple times recently, and basically it's been set in front of me to change or suffer the consequences. Consequences? Being completely and utterly wrong in every way isn't a consequence enough? I know what I am, and I am what I know. Isn't that simple enough? That I don't want to change, and you'll have to beat the change into me like how I am was? I honestly don't think I could tolerate myself if I wasn't these things. These horrible, dastardly, screwed up things. I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't, and I couldn't tolerate life. I've been tolerating life for a very long time now. I don't know why people don't understand. I'm old and I've lived my life. I've done all I ever wanted to do; everything else is just some whimsical, silly afterthought that I really have no intention to persue. You want me to change. The only way that works to function, I need to change. I need to go out into the world and frolic and be merry; to try new things that really have no appeal to me. Don't you think there's a reason I've nearly stopped talking to people all together? That I'm content with how my life is, as pitiful as it may be? I'm sick and tired of the hope that people insist I have, when I've forsaken it and entirely given up. Given up. Need me to repeat? I've given up on it all, and I'm better for it. Ambition, dreams, happiness, life, living, growth...why can't I just exist? I don't care if you find it sad. I want to just exist, and be content. I don't need anything more. Not these silly, petty things that people insist I have or I'm not worth even talking to. Well? Then stop talking to me. Accept I'm content where I am and in the place I'm at, disregarding and destroying my affections as they turn up, and leave me behind already. If I'm not even worthy of life, well that's my problem and not yours. I'm really just damn tired. School is my retreat, I enjoy homework, I like my repeditive, meaningless life, and I don't care that for the rest of my life I'm determined to be alone and just exist. What's so hard to get about that? Isn't it plain and simple? You call me simple and stupid, so obviously you understand what I'm saying. I will always deny you. I will always be difficult, stubborn, and backwards. I won't accept these 'higher values' and pointless, useless things you offer me. I have no use for them, and your constant attempts to install something into me are worthless. Just as much as me. Accept the truth of the matter and let it die. I don't want to improve, and I don't want to change. I hate change, and I won't be dragged around and destroyed simply because it's the right thing to do. I will live the way I feel fits best. DarkRybrin** · Wed Dec 19, 2007 @ 07:31am · 6 Comments


DarkRybrin Community Member «Prev \| Next» Archive \| Home [08/18/20 06:18am] [08/28/19 10:38am] [06/17/18 05:42pm] [01/16/16 04:54am] [02/06/12 07:21am] [10/27/11 12:30am] [02/16/10 12:59am] [04/17/09 05:18am] [04/12/09 07:13pm] [04/11/09 07:20pm]

	User Comments: [6]
	User Comments: [6]


	hugs Offline Abiona Lowell · Community Member · Thu Dec 20, 2007 @ 08:40pm


	Do you find it strange that I do not find your feelings out of place? I often think like that. That I would just exist for of rather plain, repeating life. I think people should just take it that you like your life as it is. There in wrong in that want. Offline Moondancer Aya · Community Member · Thu Dec 20, 2007 @ 09:12pm


	Live and let live. Offline carcer · Community Member · Mon Dec 24, 2007 @ 12:53am


	Love, I'm always sorry to see you feel this way, but I understand it too. I know it sounds trite to hear people say things can be better, that you should hope for better and love people. I know how it feels to hear reassurances from people and taste them like ash in your mouth. Words that people speak to make you feel better which only make you feel worse because you can't believe them, won't believe them. I've been there, you know it well since we've talked of this before. So I won't tell you the things you don't want to hear. I won't try and convince you it'll be fine, or you can feel better. But I will once again offer you the shoulder that's always here for you to lean on and a willing ear. I don't know who tried to give you the ultimatum of changing or facing the consequences - nor do I know what consequences they're talking about - but I think they're wrong. If living this complicated chaos is what fits you best at this point in your life, then that's how it should be. You shouldn't need to try and fit yourself to their mould. I wish you the best darling, whatever will make you content, no matter what that is. Offline malachai morrow · Community Member · Mon Dec 24, 2007 @ 07:08am


	Ry, you are you. And no one else can change that. Those that try are ignorant in believing that they can. Only you can change yourself. If you don't see a need for change...then don't change. Live whatever way is best for you. Remember that you'll always have friends who will support you in whatever you choose to do in life. Remember that the other's that don't are always replaceable. Above all else, take care of yourself. And if you ever need someone to talk to, you have my numbers, and you know I'll always listen. "Take care when wandering the dark paths..." Offline Bartlett Winterhawk · Community Member · Tue Jan 01, 2008 @ 05:12am


	Late to respond because of life, but she had to say her piece. To be very blunt and honest with you? It saddens me that you would make that choice. I do not, of course, begrudge you your choices, or tell you you are wrong to say so, or any of that. You are absolutely entitled to your opinions and choices. But when I see people with potential, and I see them throwing it all away, it makes me sad. It makes me want to cry for them, to reach out and show them... but they do not want my touch, and there is nothing I can do, and it does nothing but leave me feeling useless to try. You know I'm here for you, you know I support you. But you don't know that what you have said here is not correct. I have seen some of it, most certainly. But you list only the bad, not the good. Maybe you can't change, don't want to change, but at least see all of you. You don't see it all if all you look for, all you are seeing is the bad. Of course you cannot do the opposite, and see only the good, because then you are even worse off. I see the potential, I see the shining light you bury, and it makes me weep to know that you willingly hide yourself away. It makes me want to scream and cry, to make you see. But you never will. None of them ever will. And so I am Useless as well, but I keep trying because that is my choice. I wish you luck, though I do not approve. I am here for you, though I do not share your view. I love you, darling. ~Ay Offline x_- L a i l a h -_x · Community Member · Wed Jan 09, 2008 @ 06:19pm

	User Comments: [6]
	User Comments: [6]

Offline

Roleplay is life. <3
User Image

Thank you to my Tulip Anon!

Questing: 3 RTs. This is going to be a very long-term goal.

User Image

Sugar Mason!

Bm.Bhdm-bm. Bm.Bhdm-bm. .Bm.Bhdm-bm. . Bm.bhdm-bm. . .Bm.bhdm-bm. . . Bm.bhdm-bm. . . .Bm.bhdm-bm. . . . Bm.bhdm-Bm. . . . .Bm.bhdm--

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

View User's Journal

More Information