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A fire? A phoenix? A funeral?
Maybe a little bit of all of them. Today was the funeral for onee-san's grandma. Kinda like my grandma. I considered her such, and I'm sad I didn't get to hug her again. She was the second person who in my entire life I have known who reached 'self-actualization' (see Maslow's Pyramid of Needs). A beautiful, amazing person who supported me and had a full, fantastic life. Who really lived. So few people do, and she had a taste for life that I could never stay depressed when seeing. We celebrated her life today. All the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, even the embarrassing and the highest achievements. It was a celebration. We all wore bright colors, us family members. I was with the family the entire time...they are what I wish I had, and know so many of the stories and the times for. More then I know about the repulsive thing I live with. It was real...
...today was real.
A celebration among family. A day with onee-san. Lovely memories shared and recalled. It was real.
I'm happy today. I haven't felt really happy in a long time, though didn't really remove the facade I put up. It's always there, but today...felt just so real. So tangible. So correct, and clear. Not the lagging, faded, blurry world I normally live in. There was color, and sound, and light. I wish every day was like that. Living is nice...I wish I could do it more often. Seeing onee-san and getting hugged, even if I nearly cried a few times...I was happy. I learned, and lived, and still managed to exist.
Funny how these things nearly destroy me and I'm addicted? Sounds like most drugs these days...
I know when I go to sleep though, it will be gone. I'm so tired, and can barely stay awake, but I want it to last a little longer. My happiness...is very fleeting. It doesn't help that I'm like Toono-san (see Bukiyou na Silent)...my emotions don't show on my face, and my feelings are hard to read. My words are always, always misinterpreted. I can't express myself, but I do try...
I really want to be happy, but tomorrow I'll be five times as low as I am high right now.
It's why I don't like talking to people, or seeing them, but end up doing it anyway. I love people, but the crash after seeing my beloved onee-san or friends...I'm not very strong against drops like that, and tomorrow I'll be more depressed and down then before. I wish it didn't work like that...
Well, today was an accomplishment. I walked church grounds and wasn't found out, I saw people I find dear and got to honor someone who is still just as dear. I discovered Le Portrait de Petit Cossette, a grand anime, got to laugh and look at pictures and hug my onee-san...and get hugged back! I got to see lovely visions of things like Chrono Crusade, Get Backers, Fushigi Yugi, and other such worlds in my mind, and hear new and enjoyable music...so many good things. Things I won't remember tomorrow, but at least I'm happy for a little while longer.
At least I'm happy now.
Maybe my new-found Lecter will bring me more smiles then usual; the intelligence there is enlightening, though I know I'm in verbal dance with someone who could tear me asunder in an instant. I'm starting to realize the more danger I see in a person, the safer I feel...maybe it's living with my family, or maybe it's just because you can trust them to be exactly what they are.
Knowledge is so freeing.
Abi, Kouryu, carcer, Morrow, Bris, and Ay. Sometimes I don't understand the words you say. They don't make sense to me, or they don't ring clear. But I listen and appreciate the words anyway. I wish words could really get across to me, or you...but they are there and they are read and re-read, and I'm thankful. I'm a lot of bad things, but even bad things still love. Even if sometimes it's hard to remember, or bring up the feelings. They are still there, buried where no one will hurt them. There are so many things I could say back, in reply to everything, but it would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?
...We learn from life and death alike, and as much as we don't want change, it happens and things go on. I've learned today, and can only hope that it will stay with me a little longer then the bright emotions do. Maybe someday I'll get to be happy. It's a thought I entertain, and seeing today makes me want to see it again tomorrow.
Maybe one of these tomorrows, I'll stay happy, and it won't just be a fleeting flicker of filament on the fringes of my fancy...
I want to be real. I want you to be real. There is so little time left.
 DarkRybrin · Thu Jan 10, 2008 @ 04:05am · 2 Comments |
