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School's normal I guess. What irks me the most is how shy I am around guys though, even during passing period I can't even look at one in the eye. It gets me depressed. And I know I don't need a boyfriend but at times I want one but I always remember the fact I'm as shallow as a puddle.
Sometimes I wish I was a little bit stronger, not as shy, a little more attractive. I wish a lot of things but at the same time I wish those things wouldn't change. My own mind confuses me because I no longer know who I am. I just watch people, knowing their future and what will happen to them as I just stand here watching them all.
Is it stupid? To hate yet love the way I am? Does it make me weak? Doing everything and saying anything based on my emotions. Is it wrong? To not even know who I am? What I don't understand, is how my life came to this. I wished for so long to be off my leash and stray from the path that everyone wants me to be on. Now look at me.
I have strayed to far from the path to find it, but I do not want my leash clasped back on. I want to stay free, but being free scares me. There are so many things I do not know, I do not see. I wish to see, I wish to do, but I am held back by an invisible wall that keeps me away from them, from the light.
I prefer the dark you see, it's calming and relaxing, and I know I'm not alone in the dark because others are with me. Although sometimes when I wake up, I am in Twilight, the time when the sun rests and the moon is waking. I walk around knowing that I am alone, but I hold me head up and stand tall. Why? I do not know, I do not want to be weak I suppose. Yet I am weak, I cannot do anything. My friends I feel aren't there anymore. Around me are unknown faces and voices. Though I hear him. The one person who made me this way, the evil that I follow to stray away from my leash.
I have a new leash, he holds it smirking. He is me as I him. He is not a boyfriend, he is not even real. He is but a myth known to the human race. But I follow and I do not want to stray from this leash because I know he will protect me. I know he will harm me. I know he will love me. I know he will hate me. I know everything about him as he knows everything about me. In the twilight he is in front of me, his voice soothing and calming. In the dark he is behind me, whispering empty promises in my ear. In the light he is beside me holding my hand as other human's walk around me. He tells me what to do, he tells me what to say so I can last in this ever hated light.
So I listen, I do, I say. I do not love, I play. I do not hate, I dislike. As I reach the door of the world he is standing beside me, willing to walk through it with me. He teaches me, he shows me, he control's me. To him, I am a puppet like so many others he once held and played with. As long as he is satisfied he will stay, and if he stays, I know that I am loved and protected.
 Your Missing Period · Sat Jan 12, 2008 @ 07:49pm · 0 Comments |
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