Ever since you went away and left me with no way to right a wrong,
regrets and guilt plagued me.
Questions left unanswered...
The "whys", the "what ifs", the "how could yous"...
if you would have been around a little more longer i would like to know...
♥ will you worry about leaving so many things undone?
♥ will it be sad when u have to say good bye to everyone?
♥ will u see the tears that stained their eyes?
♥ will u feel the hurt as they clutched their hearts?
♥ what reason will keep you from giving up the fight to live?!
When it was decided, and He met you....
♥ Did He tell u how much i felt for u?
That would really be embarrassing... be kind. don't mention it when we meet again..
♥ Did He tell u how much i would miss u?
He didn't have to tell u right? u knew I damn well would.
♥ Did he allow u to keep all the memories?
Did you remember that things were not right with us? ... (sigh) i ---...
♥ Did he tell u how i hurt and wished it was just a bad dream?
I was grasping at anything to block out reality. (i'm scared of living a life without you.)
.....You had all the right reasons to stay... so many dreams to see come true... and someone was waiting for u, giving u a reason to stay...
I hated knowing all of these on that fateful night that I have to ask Him --- begged? Him... to exchange my life for yours... you were my life and if u died, it would be just like I'm dying all the same...
i had all the right reasons you see...
You could continue living the life you chose... and working to see your dreams unfold... they were all so beautiful.. you know i could not even bring myself to dream about them...
You could be with the one you truly love and be safe knowing that no one is left hurting about it.
You had all the drive to enjoy a life. You're not afraid to take the risk, to soar, to make people happy and special...
...You know, i would have gladly taken ur place...
I would have liked to see you continue living...
it was because of u that i learned how to feel...
i hurt so deep in my soul when i knew you'd never be mine,
i felt my heart soar when u smiled at me and when u told me u missed me, or when we would meet! (and-- I still smile at that thought.)
i learned to love u and i learned to let go...
i learned how to stay as ur friend no matter what...
My absence just meant... (i needed time to heal...)
i am sorry it hurt u...
And now that you've gone in that place of uncertainty, that place where my screams would never reach you even in faint whisper...
reality and loneliness are staring straight in my face... mocking me like crazy.
My life may have lost its meaning...
I am being kept alive for some reason that i am going to figure out eventually.
i see once familiar things turned strange on me...
like they were all a distant dream...
they were once real and i shared them with u...
why should i stay and endure all these?
life is never fair.
I am in the dark...
making my way...
i scrape away at the edge of darkness with a little light from memories of you
this nagging thought about you is making my life a little bit more of a misery than that it already is... ^^;
but...
♥ ♥ I close my eyes and wish to see you come alive in my dreams
and pray wherever u are... you are happy and free... ♥ ♥
ainenia · Sat Feb 16, 2008 @ 03:08am · 0 Comments |