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Last night 3/3, I cut yet again. I just hurt so bad inside, it was just to much. I don't wanna say what happened, its actually pretty stupid. But I didn't care and I didn't even try to understand. I found my trusty razor blade and went to work using the soft glow of candle light as my guid. With each cut I made I found myself captured by the sight infront of me, that was me. The blood bubbling up through my skin shimmering in the soft light bathing my arm in a red glow. With each cut I felt progressivly better about who I am, I felt the hurt inflicted upon me recede. I felt a bit better, but I knew that either I needed one deep cut or a few more smaller cuts to feel free. I placed the razor to my arm deciding one deep cut would be enough, I pressed down and began to drag the razon across my skin when my sister just walks in my room. I hurried to grab the old sock to hide the blood and blew out the candles, letting my bloodied arm and the rest on me recede in to the darkness. I worried she had seen something, when she said "mom is asleep go back to what you were doing", I was numb for a moment before she added something about the candles when she left. After she left I sat there a moment and relight the candles to survey the damage I'd done to myself, I wasn't satisfied. I sat there trying to talk myself out of needing more, but it wasn't to be. I made some more cuts and finally felt the physical pain, and not a drop more of the hurt I had felt earlier. I cleaned myself up in the bathroom and dressed the wounds, and fell into a pretty peacefull sleep. It was far from the sleep I wanted, my dreams were filled with what had hurt me, I couldn't just let it go, I still care to much, and I'm afraid I will for along time.
But all is forgiven, as much that is mine to forgive. I am sorry, for all that may be blamed upon me. But, I think we both share the blame in this, I could be wrong, but still I'm sorry. I only want you to be happy, and who am I to stand in your way. If only I could tell you this, if only if only. I think you deserve to know, I think about you all the time, you're in my dreams I just can't help it. If I could be any place in the world I'd choose to be in your arms. You're the one who gives me that giddy feeling, when I see your name on the caller ID. You're the one that makes me smile differently. I should have told you that, but I was too busy worring about what you would say. Even if you said you felt the same, you're so far away. And if you didn't it would just be awkward. I didn't mean for this to happen, I never thought it would. How was I suposed to know that one guy I met waiting in line to buy a coke at a band competition would be the guy I fell head-over-heels for?
Well I'm done now. The last thing I wanna put here today is how much my arm actually hurts today. I can't flex my left forearm or pick up anything more than a few pounds, cause it hurts. Could I possibly have nicked a lil piece of muscle? I dunno but it hurts. Oh and it's taking more and more cuts to relieve the pain, maybe I'm just wussing away from making more than one or two cuts that are deeper than paper cuts, maybe a few real cuts will be enough.
The Magical Mellophone · Tue Mar 04, 2008 @ 11:27pm · 0 Comments |
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