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i think all this crap going on in my life is sort of linked to my having nightmares for the past year... my dad got this illness in his neck (gee i wonder what it could be? stare ) and he's been going in and out of hospital for a several months now, because of fluid in his lung. not good for me, 'cause i'm the one feeling guilty and everything, i'm even suffering from depression, my eldest sister doesn't believe me about that, my other sister does and my fiance definately knows and believes me. he's even had scratch marks on his back as proof, just to stop me from trying to do the whole self harming thing.

my nightmares weren't the classic kinds of nightmares, no, that would've been too easy, i would've gotten over them. my nightmares had to be about my friends and family and sometimes complete strangers getting murdered, my dad getting the illness, him having an operation to get rid of it, him going in and out of hospital repeatedly to him having a cardiac arrest...

right now he's under sedation and relatively stable right now and the doctors are going to try and wake him up tomorow after they assess him to make sure everything's ok with him

life sucks for me right now doesn't it? so to all my friends on gaia and real life (if you read this) my apologies if i'm not all hyperactive as i normally am, but there's so much going on that i can't think straight...