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Ok, so I was digging through my old documents from high school and found this. I read through and remebered the feeling I had when I wrote it. I thought it deserved a little light so here it is. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the paper, topic, anything. This was a rhetoric assignment and I want to be a writer, any improvements I can make in my writing I will happily welcome.

Well, here it is,

02/08/07

My Ab-Fab Life


“To be nobody but yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” E.E. Cummings. Mr. Cummings knew what he was talking about when he stated this quote, and I have come to realize how incredibly significant it is to life. In general everyone can relate to this quote, but for me, it takes on a whole new and very literal meaning. There are qualities of my life; everyone’s lives that society wants to change them. You may be too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short. You could be too smart, or not smart enough. You could like the “wrong” music, clothes, or lifestyle. No matter what, society and those who run it will always be able to find something about you that they want to change. My little quality is that I’m gay, and some people just don’t like that.

My parents raised me to accept and respect everyone’s differences and individuality, yet that naïve view I had as a child no longer applies to the world I live in. Growing up and discovering myself; watching the world morph around me; seeing all the hate; it’s a scary concept. I read about it in the newspapers, I see it in the magazines, I watch in happen on T.V., all the junk that society tries to enforce on people. Look like this, dress like that, act like them. Why bother living when you can’t live out your life as YOU want it?
I was raised on the basis that love is love, it’s pure, it’s limitless, and it’s free. I, like everyone else, began to have feelings for people as I grew older. Growing up away from mainstream America kept me away from the labels and separation of “norms”, so I didn’t think anything of it when I was attracted to other guys, heck I didn’t even notice enough to give it much thought. All I wanted to do was spend time with my friends, I didn’t think anything of it that I thought they were cute. Not until I came back to my own country did I learn the big difference between me and most others around me.

It took some time but I finally made it to that point in everyone’s life where they realize who they are, or at least begin to find themselves. At first, and for a long time after, I was scared. Scared, that I was different. Scared, that I was alone. Scared, that the person in the mirror was a freak. After I came to terms with myself I began to question the system. Since when is being gay wrong? I certainly didn’t hear anything about it, and I wasn’t going to listen anyways.

My life wasn’t always so cut and clear. It took a long time to come to terms with who I am. For a period of time after I first told my parents, I was in a deep depression. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t the son they wanted. I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t athletic enough, and most of all I wasn’t straight. My depression and utter disregard for my life led me to some very sharp instruments with which I carved my pain out onto my body, always in lines.

I hid my mental state quite well, for a time. All was going along smoothly until one slip-up that happened at school. I was taking a biology test fifth period and my sleeve rolled up and the person sitting across from me saw what was displayed. He questioned me and I refused an explanation, thankfully for me he honored my request and didn’t rat me out to the teacher. Multiple times later that year I had several incidents where my friends found out, some were worried, others were puzzled, and some were even outraged. Of course no one had a problem with me being, they all just hit me for cutting myself, it was a bit retro-grade if you ask me.

Towards the end of the year my haze of depression lifted slightly and I was finally able to see the world around me. I finally realized that this was MY life, and that no one was going to tell me that it was wrong. I started working harder on my academics and pulled my grades up. My parents were quite pleased with my improvement. Later I talked with them about knowing that I was gay. The talk became a whole incident. There were tears, there was yelling, and finally there was understanding.

In the end, my parents told me that they loved me and that they always would. They said all they wanted for me was a life filled with happiness. For a while afterwards there wasn’t much talk of what had digressed earlier. My parents, my mother in particular, believed that I was just going through a “phase,” we had another discussion about my homosexuality and I cleared up everything so that nothing was left to question or misunderstand.

My family and society have tried to make me into something that I’m not, and they failed. They couldn’t change me and I’ve become stronger from the fight. This is my life, not theirs, not society’s. No one, no matter how strong, is going to make me something I’m not. Although I’ve gone through some harrowing times, I haven’t had nearly half as bad an experience as others and for that I am grateful. In the end I’ve come to realize that this is life, and I have to live in it. However, no one ever said I couldn’t live it my way.