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Well currently I'm in one of my anti-social, I hate everyone, leave me the ******** alone moods. But secretly, I don't want to be all alone. I want someone that will be near even though I yell at them to leave. Someone that I know will be waiting for me outside the door. Someone who, if needed to pull me out of this frequent mood of mine, would just hold me and hold me and hold me. No words, no jesters, just the comfort of their firm grasp around me. Sort of like a 'I'll be there and protect to no matter what, I'll keep you warm when you're cold, I'll cook for you when hungry, I'll be there' kind of feel.
This kind of mood usually happens when I try to take command of something I can plainly see, but people seem to ignore me as if I wasn't saying anything. I get so angry, so frustrated that I tend to flee from the scene and make as little of contact with people as I can. I wallow in self-doubt and self-hatred, and I tend to try and make myself feel like crap. I cry for hours blaming myself for things I had no power over. I criticize every little detail about myself. My constant acne, my large thighs, hips, waist, legs, my failing love life, everything. I beat myself up over the littlest things. I eat very few things during these periods, even today I've only eaten a few nuggets and fries.
I want to cry out my feelings to someone who'll listen. I want to sob for hours on end thinking of the stupid reasons of why I am crying, which will inevitably make me cry longer until I my eyes dry up from lack of liquids or I cry myself to sleep.
I know there are several people who have it worse than me, but they still have hopes that things will work some way. They have strength, a quality which I seem to lack. I bottle simple little things up for so long that they all come rushing out at once and I get over whelmed with everything. I want to go wallow in a deep filthy pit and die somewhere where no one will find me, in hopes that it will end the suffering of mine and the other's around me.
I grow cold as I type... I wish someone would come warm me. But reluctantly I will have to go and warm myself. Please excuse my melodramatic speech of which I have just listed above. Don't think to hard on it, I don't want to cause anymore discomfort for people. I wish I was in a place where no one knows me and no one could contact me. But alas, I am not. I am here telling some of my deepest emotions to a computer journal hoping someone will read it and come to comfort me. Again, please excuse me and my behavior.
 rainbow_kiss-able_kisses · Fri Aug 15, 2008 @ 01:39am · 1 Comments |
