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Ugh....Tests...hate the things. I got a LAL vocab test monday, I had a really hard Sci test today because I didn't study at all or pay attention in sci class so my own fault there. Math it was pretty easy. We had another test, integers. I think I failed. I don't know why but I'm having a REALLY off day. Couldn't focus at all or think straight. I did take my meds today too but yeah. I couldn't sleep well last night either, I kept waking up. Night mare? Don't think so. My throat was aching so bad because it's all scratchy and sore that I kept waking up. Only remember flashes of my dream and it was just to dark to see.
I did think alot today. Just contemplated, and drew....but now I have a mirgrain, hurts to look at the screen, hurts to just have my eyes open, ears feel like their popping, throat is dry as hell. But that's enough complaining for now.
I was thinking, am I really that bad of a person that I havn't noticed? I have stopped trying to be good and I've started to say things on a whim now. I thought I was still being a good person but I can see how my confidence has over past me. I thought I knew what I was but I'm not that. After deeper looking into my mind, I've realized,
I really am a terrible person.
Judging people, I do it alot but other people do it too. Their just right all the time. I'm just always wrong. I make life worse for nearly everyone around me. I lie a lot, I blame other people, I hate, I wish to kill, I wish to hurt, I take enjoyment in others pain, and I think I'm just like all the other people Nat was always talking about. The people that are after her just because theres something about her they don't like. I can tell because I want to kill Nat too. That makes me a threat doesn't it? If I was really picturing that I had stolen Nat's treasure to the dark then I don't know.
See...the thing is....I know, I could if I really wanted to, stop myself from continuing on and being this bad. But...I've been "good" before and, I don't know what to do. When your bad you know what your suppose to do. Your suppose to be mean and hate people and wish to kill. But if your good, then....what? If your dark you have a purpose, but if your light you ....? Help people? How? When all I do is hurt then how do I help? Why can't I just sit in a corner and not do anything at all? So I don't break anything?
I know I need guidance, it's going to be a b***h finding another teacher to replace Nat. Now if I just needed help mentally and physically, that be easy. But no, I also need help spiritually. I need to learn and all that stuff, so I can protect myself and others. At least the basics in defensives and I'd be fine for a while. See....I COULD, try to learn from Joey, but ya know I already know from hanging with nat that Joey is someone I should not learn from. Yes, I can talk to him, and I can hang out with him, but I can't learn from him. I'd be mislead. I'd be better off learning from John. But, I can't really ask John's guidance because...well...quite frankly I dought he knows what to do either. He could only help me spiritually, and even then, he's a Wiccan, what he learns is nothing like what I need to know. But his book of shadows could prove to be helpful if I could ever get my hands on it.
I'm pretty sure I should have a guardian spirit...If I haven't killed it or hurt it. It help if I could TALK, to my guardian spirit so I could try to learn from him/her, but yeah. I can't really do that. I'm not sensitive to spirits like John is, I can't see them, hell, I can't even HEAR s**t. I don't know where the hell nat goes off thinking I'm actually as strong as she thinks I am. I guess I'll just have to do trial and error until I finally can see if there really is a guardian spirit or even a spirit around that I could learn off of. I can pick things up pretty quickly, but I need to know the basic/main idea of things before I can totally understand it. This is a pain....honestly....-sigh- I suppose I COULD, try looking around my faire but I don't expect to find anyone, but it can't hurt to try.....
-sigh-...
So enough of that...let's go on to some other s**t.....
tomorrows...going to the faire....Mom said she'd buy me a bow at the faire. Hopefully she actually ment that. I'm trying to get nasuko to come to the faire this weekend to meet me. It's gonna be a b***h, hopefully he'll be on today so I can give him this link those nice faire people gave me to help me to him. I suppose I'll bring my flash cards to the faire with me so I can study my vocab, and then my note book so I can draw. I'll take my meds tommorrow too, just so I can foucs on my work.
Dad was bitchin at me because I minced up that pork roast and it got dried up. So I had to make another batch of fried rice for him. Ugh...
Grandparents are going to be here monday. Fun. Their bringing uncle elmo, and he's still sick and s**t....don't know hat teh ******** I'm going to do. Ugh...I have to give up my room for mama and papa....uncle elmo may be sleeping on a couch....
Ugh..head hurts...think I'ma lay down for a bit.
 x-l J i n x l-x · Fri Sep 26, 2008 @ 10:00pm · 1 Comments |
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