You're an idiot Wandering. You're an idiot and you know it. Why do you do such stupid s**t? Why do you do it to yourself, try and get your hopes up, only for them to come crashing down the next minute. You think you know what the ******** you want to do with your life, and that it makes a different but you are so wrong. Nothing has changed. Everything is just as it was. You still have no where to go, nothing to do. You're stuck in this life, as it is and nothing is going to change it. So what if you hate your job so much, that you're pretty sure it's going to push you over the edge if you keep at it, it doesn't change a thing. You know there's nothing else you can do. Just s**t end minimum wage jobs where you aren't going to get s**t for money. You're an idiot for ever leaving in the first place and you know it. You still don't make enough money. Whatever doesn't go to pay off your bills goes to keeping your family from losing the shitty little house you live in, the one that is probably infected with mold as well as the mildew from the leak in your ceiling that is causing you repeated sinus infections that leave you with horrid headaches and uncontrollable dizziness, yes, your money has to go there, to keep the house, because your mom won't live there anymore, and anything that was saved up has finally run out now that half the income is gone. Nevermind the money that you've always, and still do, spend on food and whatnot every month. No Mom, I'm lying, I don't constantly buy food, milk, drinks, toiletries and every god damn thing else we need. And no, I'm not helping spend my money to fix up the house to fuel dad's false hope that you're ever going to come back cause I'm not stupid, I know you are never going to live in this house again, especially while we are still here, if ever, it's just going to constantly teeter-totter until dad gives up because he can't take the s**t anymore.
So you know, stupid stupid girl... that it doesn't matter. Your dreams of saving up a little each month with the hope of ever moving out and actually getting to see the love of your life, much less anyone in this god forsaken world that means anything to you and isn't blood related, they are hopeless. And yet you insist on telling yourself there's a way. Then you do something stupid like go looking at jobs and realize you can't do any of them... That you are never going to get anywhere in life.
Then you find yourself remembering just how crazy and unstable you are mentally, that you're pretty sure something is really wrong with you and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't even get something to shut up the damn voices in your head or stop the constant urge to drive yourself off a cliff or find out why you have had headaches for the past three and a half years now or why you constantly feel sick, or even be on the medicines you are supposed... but no.. you don't have insurance and there's no way in hell you can afford the bills.
And nevermind the loneliness. You aren't the first to not have friends, ever. You're not the only one that has never gone out, nor will ever. You're not the only one around who can't connect to anyone unless they're hundreds of miles away and behind a computer screen. I'm sure you're not the only one who feels like they are dying a little each day because you just want a damned hug so bad it kills you inside, but you know that if anyone touched you, you're so damned awkward and messed up that you'd freak. But it's okay, just have to go 3 months without killing yourself and you'll get to see your bf again, for you know it's too much to want to see him twice in the same year. You just have to live that long. Oh, right, and not try to kill him this time cause you're ******** NUTS. That might help. But yes, talk like that when you're so god damned lucky there is someone in the world that will live with your s**t that you pull all the time.
Dear god, I really need someone to help me before I end up breaking and just killing myself... and yet there is no one and nothing to be done... I should just do it, I know I'm that weak...
The wandering mind... · Sun Oct 26, 2008 @ 06:52pm · 2 Comments |