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The long forgotten lore of my life
When I feel like it I'll update with my thoughts, views, nonsensical ramblings or events. Just another look into my chaotic enough life. I never know what's going to happen.
I woke up sobbing last night...
Wednesday, December 10th:

WARNING: Please, don't read unless you don't mind this. These are actual accounts of nightmares I had last night. My nightmares are horrible. They're fueled by the Chrons pain. During the night hours, I'm not even safe from being in pain. Anyway, these nightmares are often so vivid, and horrifically graphic, that they are NOT intended for younger, or sensitive, audiences.

Also... a macabre fact... half of my actual nightmares that I documented are the prime, if not main, inspiration for my novel in progress.

Anyway, you've been warned. Continue on if you must but, please, don't force yourself. My nightmares are sick, dark, hideous and twisted... and I get these constantly.





I was crying last night. I was terrified. I woke up, not know where I was, or even if I was still alive. Trembling, I reached out and quickly turned on the light. All I could do, in between these hellish episodes of sleep, was to awake and sit there, shaking and staring (with a breaking mind filled with terror) at the wall on the other side of the room. I couldn't control myself.

Truth be told... this isn't uncommon for me, these many past nights, for me to have these horrible episodes. I have nightmares. So, I'm twenty. Nightmares SHOULD be uncommon to people my age, or even older. If anything, we should have dreams, right? No. Not for me. The only things I dream these days is my cracking insanity, and all my fears summed up into one with demonic beasts or god awful, life and death situations.

Last night was a prime example of that sort of thing happening. However, unlike most nights filled with my nightmares, this one was special. I was graced with numerous, multiple nightmares. Actually, I lost count at three.

All my dreams involved a few similar plots. One, they all had something to do with medical based situations. Two, all featured my extreme, horrendous suffering. Third, I was alone. No one, that I loved, cherished or even liked who were even close to me, was there. I was alone in my twisted world. Fourth, and the most serious, common factor was... I died in each one. We're talking more than three nightmares here, and I vividly remember them. I died in each one.

I'll put down the two, most VIVID ones. I...I don't want to say the other few....


------



FIRST NIGHTMARE

In the first one, I was slowly dieing. I was seeing everything from a "observer's" point of view.

This is the worst nightmare, really. My organs were failing, and I was hacking up blood. I was wheezing, and I could almost feel my heart beat slow. I was in a medical hospital, weakly trying to limp down the hall. My hand pressed against the wall for support, I screamed out for someone to come and help me. Someone, anyone!

Someone did come. In fact, I think it was a few people. I can't rightly remember that part well. For information sake, let's say it was two nurses, and a doctor.

They came to my aid, but I felt my heart slowing. Weakly, while wheezing uncomfortably, I once again pleaded for help. They stared back at me, emotionless.

"Help me! God....p-please.... h-help me...!"

"Your organs are basically disintegrating," I heard someone say.

"You won't recover," another one said, with a hint of a sarcastic chuckle.

"P-please!" I sobbed, reached out with a visibly shaking hand. I clawed the air, trying to somehow grab on of the hem of their medical scrubs, or the Doctor's sleeve. They seemed so far away.

What did they do, in response to this? They laughed. THEY LAUGHED! I remember myself on the ground, so I must have collapsed or something.

All I could remember were these words that the doctor snidely said: "You're dying. Tough luck".

In my dream, I felt my heart slow to a sluggish stop. I bet my body was going cold, and everything. All I could see was the total void, the foreboding and never yielding abyss of the transgression of one's spirit as it tumbled down into nothingness.

Nothing...

I then woke up, crying, as Sutkei (my cat) tried to snuggle deeper in my arms.






SECOND NIGHTMARE

This one took a while to come. After the first one, I flipped on some music (Disgaea 3 soundtrack), and listened to that for about five minutes. After calming down, and ceasing my relentless sobbing, I clicked the stereo off and, once again, turned the light off.

It took me a while... but I fell asleep.

All I could say to this one is I was strapped to a medical operating table. Once again in a medical gown, I could see that my skin was paler than normal (as if I hadn't seen the sun in about five years). My hair must have been, earlier in the dream, picked out follicle by follicle, one at a time. You can tell the difference between someone who was a shaved head compared to someone whose hair had fallen out, or been ripped out. That's the case with me.

I screamed out, crying in agony. Thank god, in dreams, you can't feel the pain. There was no hope. There was no shining light in the future. All I knew was the whitish-gray walls of concrete and steel of the windowless room.

As I strained and twisted, pulling against my restraints, I "felt" a horrible pain rip through my skull. Body bucking, I let loose this primal howl. God... that... that scream I did in my dream. I... I think that if I ever heard it in real life.... I think I'd actually suffer a heart attack from sheer fear that that scream was announcing the end of my world as I knew it.

The pain stabbed again, and I screamed, tears brimming my eyes.

What was going on? My skull was being pulled apart. No, literally. Two tourturing doctors were standing over me. One was attempting to put my head into a halo (a constricting sort of brace that keeps the head in place, and not move), while the other one was plunging his-... I can't even describe them. They were like pliers... or pullers... vices? I don't know. But he had cut the skin away, and was pulling the bone of my cranium apart, chunk by bloody chunk.

"Stop squirming, you b***h!"

I wanted to die. I wanted them to plunge their scalpel, or (the way my body was riddled with large gashes) machete, right into my throat to instantly snuff my life out. I wanted to leave this world. I didn't want to survive this.

With the next wave of feeling, in the dream I wanted to vomit. I hacked, some bile surging up my throat and overflowing from my mouth. Eyes rolling back, my body let out a shudder. They had ripped the bone away, and my brain was exposed.

Head rolling backwards, mouth agape and eyes wide and glassy, I stared on. Hallow, I was used and abused. I didn't care anymore. At that point in the nightmare, it was getting fuzzy. I think my "real" self was trying to break in, ending this hellish ordeal before my mind fully snapped.

The last thing they did to me in my dream, is they were picking up a... god, I don't know. Some sort of knife thing. Not a scalpel- way too big for that. I'm not good with that sort of stuff (medical tools), so I'm pretty much lost. Maybe it was my imagination creating that device of my internal HELL.

Anyway, time was slowing down then, and things were getting choppy. I guess I was waking. Good thing too, because they had plunged the thing into my brain, the blood burbling up and splattering thickly on the ground.

Gasping, I sat straight up in bed. God love Sutkei! She was still with me; she didn't want to leave my side. This time she was curled around my legs, and gave a pathetic little "mew" when I disturbed her.

I was too terrified to even cry, this time.


------




My hell is medical. I've come to realize that. With all these years of Chrons, I'll go out in a flickering ember of glory via medical ways. I've had so many near death experiences in hospitals, that these nightmares, in a way, don't surprise me.

The first nightmare is a few fears summed in one. Mortality, the fear of dying alone... and the fear of being in agony with the doctors not knowing either what to do, or not caring. My first doctor really didn't care about me, which is why I almost died a year ago in the hospital. Everything he did grew, festered, and finally almost shut my entire body down years later.

For the second nightmare, it also connects with that vile, b*****d of a past doctor. He had used me as a medical test mouse, running around it's wheel of life. I assume that's what nightmare number two was about. I've had new drugs (just introduced into the field!) pushed on me, in the past (and sometimes in the present), all the time. I'm their test rat, and that's what they've used me for. I don't mind this for one factor. The more they learn, the better off they are.

I'm.. I'm okay now. Listening to music, I'm writing this, hardly shaking. Sure, I wanted to cry once or twice... but maybe I'm just weak. I could be weak. I mean.... crying... is such a weak action for me. It's me letting my guard down, giving in. I can't give in on life!

...Maybe...

....I'm scared to sleep tonight....






User Comments: [10] [add]
another wandering artist
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commentCommented on: Fri Dec 12, 2008 @ 11:16pm
cry *hugs you* I'm so sorry you've had such horrid nightmares...i wish there was a way to give you good dreams... crying


commentCommented on: Sat Dec 13, 2008 @ 01:30am
...I'm so so sorry that you had to live through that. If you don't like pity then I won't try to say sorry much, but that must have been...just awful. cry I get scared with a measly ghost girl in my parents master bathroom, while you have to live with...that. I wish there was something I could do.



Almazy-Chan
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Angel_Child_Of_Grace
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commentCommented on: Sat Dec 13, 2008 @ 05:37am
Oooohhhh.....Mandy crying That sounds horrible!!! Nightmares are terrible terrible things.....but these, they give a whole new meaning to the nightmare.

The nightmare stalks into the dark, screeching horrifying images into the minds of the calm, the minds of the peaceful, the minds of the sleepers. In the darkness of night, it sends vivid dreams of pain and fear in the worst possible way, feeding off of the lonleyness, the fossilized tears now broken free, and the pain and sadness it brings. The nightmare seeps into the children's minds, bringing them pain and misery in the worst possible ways because only the nightmare knows your deepest fears. But the nightmare shall not get you. The nightmare brings lucid dreams. Lucid dreams, but nothing more. When the nightmare hits the highests point in it's fear raid, it draws back in terror for the child wakes up. Sinking back into the shadows, it watches as the sleeper, now the waker, opens her eyes and finds that everything is alright. Finds that everything was just an image, no matter how scary or real it seemed. Waking up brings the cure of the pain. The nightmare slips quietly away, it's victim now useless, and crawls back into the shadow where it came from.

Remember Mandy, no matter how bad the dreams seem, someday, they will all end. Surround yourself with photos of loved ones, of special trinkets from friends, of clovers, of flowers, anything that brings back the happy memories. Read old diary pages of wonderful childhood memories, replay scenes from the happy times and seep those into your mind. Forget the bad things Mandy, you always have friends by your side no matter how far away they seem in the dark.


commentCommented on: Sat Dec 13, 2008 @ 05:47am
ooh! that's a good idea angel child of grace!



another wandering artist
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Angel_Child_Of_Grace
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commentCommented on: Sun Dec 14, 2008 @ 12:34am
*gasp* A reply from someone! *pokes wander* you be teh awesomness 3nodding


commentCommented on: Sun Dec 14, 2008 @ 02:57am
^ ^;



another wandering artist
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Andercondrak
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commentCommented on: Thu Dec 18, 2008 @ 04:42am
Thanks guys! This means a lot to me....

And...Grace, you're right. What you said is true. They're nightmares. They can't kill me, right? Heh. If they can, I'll kick those nightmare's asses!


commentCommented on: Fri Dec 19, 2008 @ 08:44pm
O my god... Thats so sad i almost cryed the one on top the saying "hacking up blood" it scared the hell outta me i hope you fell better soon

From: Fangblade71

To: Mandydandykid

P.S You are my favourt friend on Gaia whee



FangBlade71
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Angel_Child_Of_Grace
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commentCommented on: Sat Dec 20, 2008 @ 05:39pm
*Clap**calp**clap* YEAH! Make sure those nightmares know you won't go down without a fight! mrgreen mrgreen


commentCommented on: Fri Mar 06, 2009 @ 07:00pm
-Huggles you- Dont worry, I doubt you will have to go out like that. If anything it will be in your sleep, which by far is easier when you think about it....
...
...
-hugs harder-



Seraph 4
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User Comments: [10] [add]
 
 
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