"Is there love in this world?
Where can I find love?
Nobody knows or responds
The answer only lies
in my own hands." - Glass Wings
Glass Wings is my favorite manga by miles and miles. I got it years ago, maybe even at my first anime convention. I remember wandering through the dealer's room looking at their collections. I'd zoned out just a bit and when I focused just enough I was staring at the binding of a manga that was entitled 'Glass Wings' by Misuzu Asaoka. At first I thought to run from it, but the title...it just....felt like a piece of me that I'd been missing. So I picked it out and started reading. I don't know how long I stood there reading it...but someone bumped into me and my mom found me. Mom agreed to buy it, I think she knew how desperately I needed to have this piece.
The back of the book reads, "Fragile souls and tragic fates collide in these haunting gothic stories...
In this collection a boy struggles with a dreaded affliction that comes between him and his true love; an orphan has the power to take on the sickness of others; a disfigured boy confronts the inner conflict between his need to survive and his desire to love.
In an uncompromising blend of magic and realism, Glass Wings reveals love's capacity to overcome all obstacles and to replenish the human spirit in the direst of times."
No words in my eyes could do this book proper justice....but that's because of how precious it is to me. I read it now and again when I feel my insides falling apart, when I lose my faith in my path and in love. I read it when I need to remind myself that even under the worst circumstances, I am alive. I need to replace my copy....as it is falling apart at the bindings. I want to put this copy, this piece somewhere safe so I can forever cherish it. But I need a copy to read as I keep putting my sanctuary off...
There was going to be so much more to this entry....I'm so exhausted...and yet I'm not tired, not sleepy. I did tell Mendacii-sama I would try...I would sleep. Or maybe I didn't.
So I'll just say this. I'm looking forward to the dream of a meeting.
And never say goodbye to me.
That specific word.
'Goodbye'.....it means forever, that's all it means. I don't want it said near me. I'll cry.
Fair warning?
Good.
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A Side note to one person:
"And what if it was an amazing time. What if he smiled at you gave you a hug, stroked your hair and told you that he was glad you found the courage to come see him."
-Please don't hate me for putting this here-
I won't bother saying who said these words to me tonight...the person knows who they are and that's all that matters. I couldn't tell you this right away, in part because I simply started crying when you said them to me, because you hit the nail on the head when it comes to every problem I've ever had. And I fear if these words I need to share with you wait till morning they'll somehow carry less meaning.
I have nothing but fear in me when it comes to the simple thought of being happy. But...it's not so simple. Be careful when judging others fears, usually you only hit the tip of the iceberg. You don't know enough of my past and these journals only show parts of that iceberg of fear. So I'll show you without detail. To often I've been allowed that happiness that I'm seeking and had it ripped from me not moments later. I've tried hard to figure out why this occurs, and tried to chose not to be so hurt by it, but found that more than often I'd curl up on my bed crying my eyes out on the nearest stuffed animal.
He knows this. In great detail, and watched me struggle through a lot of it. So I don't think I'm underestimating him. More than that...my fear isn't of being happy, it's the aftermath; and I don't find it to be an unfounded fear.
I'd also like to say....because I should have also said this in conversation......that sort-of offer of help...thank you for it, for mentioning it and putting it on the table. Words couldn't express how grateful I'd be to any help. But I think these are details better left until I've made a decision and until it's a little closer. Alright?
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Closing thought: I want to learn more and more about religion, so I can understand how other people think. And because I think religion is a pretty cool thing, so long as it's not being forced on anyone.
*hugs any and all who might need it*
All the Same by Sick Puppies
World So Cold by 12 Stones
 Evelie Harte · Sun Mar 01, 2009 @ 09:32am · 0 Comments |
