I've had a lot going on in my mind recently.
I've been thinking about him a lot. It has been just over three months since he died, and I am still affected. I have dreams where he'll randomly appear. I'll have to take double-takes because I see a guy with curly brown hair in Wal-Mart. He is still in my phone-- hell, he is still in my speed dial. I can't bring myself to let go. I don't know why, either. It isn't like we had a fight and one of us is too stubborn to apologize. He had an aneurysm burst in his brain. He isn't coming back, and for some reason, I'm having so much trouble letting him go.
I feel like for the past three months, I've just been going through day by day, putting on a brave face, trying to pretend that everything is alright. But really, I'm like a duck on the water. On the surface, everything is alright. Underneath, I feel like I'm going crazy.
On top of all that, dealing with living at home again is torture. My father is not what you would consider a nice person. He makes me dread coming home every evening. I have been counting the days until May arrives and I'll be moving away again. He is my father and I love him, but I really do not like him. I understand that he has a lot wrong with him medically. But it does not mean he cannot be at least a little considerate. And it does not mean that every other word that leaves his mouth has to be a yelling curse word. He is a packrat, and he is addicted to ebay. A match made in hell, at least for my mom and I.
Right now, I just want to get to May so I can move away. I need to get away from the stress at home. I need to get away from the memories of him. I need a change.
The Lacey Bear · Wed Mar 25, 2009 @ 05:33am · 0 Comments |