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Last night was...very disturbing. I usually don't cry, or even allow myself to feel sad because I don't like what it does to my friends; this is something I have to share though, as many people have already caught on that there is something wrong. That one thing wrong, the one thing that connects to everything, is fighting. I don't cry when my brother or family hits me, and I don't cry when my friends call me a fool or an imbecile; this matter nearly made me cry though. I was so incredibly sorrowful that I ranted on in my head all night long; I was right in my assumption I would get no sleep. These words now are no where near at the intensity they hit last night, but I can't understand people and it hurts. It hurts to not understand anything. It hurts when people tear at each other and then just don't say what needs to be said. It hurts when people lie to each other or to those around them. It hurts when people don't understand and can't see the error of what they have done. Some people might think this is about one event; it partially was a trigger event, but I am reaching out to everything that people come to me with every day. I love listening to my friends and I love helping them, but it is the same error over and over and over; it is maddening that no one can see!
I step back and I watch, cursed and blessed with the understanding of someone my age and yet the values of someone seven or so. People fight, on and off, off and on again; this never ending cycle of rage and hate. Hate hate hate! That's all people ever say! They hate this and they hate that. I avoid typing that word at all because it makes me sad; is there not enough of that horrid emotion in the world to do without it? But people tear at each other about their likes, their dislikes, their beliefs, their religions; if someone has something different from another, they forever hit and attack what they are not! Why?! It makes me so sad; sorrow fills me at even having to type this, meaning that it was needed. People say I never voice myself and that is completely true. I don't need to because others read me so well; all of the others who might never read this knew this was coming too. I shake and I feel utter despair watching my friends fight; he can't be right, she can't understand, he hurt me, she won't leave me alone! People understand that I feel whatever they are describing and telling to me; with a hunger impossible to most I take in all of these thoughts and feelings and try to replace them with calm. I try so very hard, but I am failing.
I am failing miserably. This is not about one qualm or match of wits; this is about them all. I will continue to want to hear and help; am I the only one listening though? People do not listen to each other; they do not think, and they do not feel. I can hear a pair speaking back the exact same words to me and yet they don't hear each other; that is long past, resolved quietly and both parties locking the hurt away inside. Other people say the same things of different matters and such, but they only hear themselves and the echoes off the walls. Am I wrong for crying out and wishing everyone would just listen? I know no one will ever read this and while what I am typing is emotionless and dull, I became so sick last night I could not speak; one fight was the breaking point and the last build up from so many others I stand in the middle of and try to mediate. I want people to be happy; that's all that matters, but if they won't listen, then I can't help. And they won't listen; they will never listen. I still can't speak, on this day that is among some of the worst in the year. This day is filled with yelling, of parents ignoring and more threats. Even if my friends fight, the friends I love oh so much; with them is better then where I am typing this out right now.
A person might say, "That brat; she's turning it around to herself. This entire discussion is pointless and she is just another baka that is a waste of space." I never deny it, hearing such things for every day of my waking life; I am probably just as much of a hypocrite as everyone else. I probably have hurt others, and I will be eternally sorry for it. I don't forget friends and never have I stopped being a friend to those who left me on the floor long before. This may be pointless to say, all of it in every single word I ever spoke, but I want to stop the fighting. There should be peace, as there is already too much pain for anyone to take on. This has lost all of its potency and it's meaning, but I still extend my reach out and hope someone takes the scraps from my hands and pieces them together. No more fighting; friendships ruined, relationships lost, family turned against each other, and bright new beginnings tarnished beyond recognition. I know I am a speck of nothing, but I just wish my words were something; something to someone who might see the sense in looking for peaceful routes through the storm. Why can't people just stop hurting each other? When will people learn that violence is not the solution and pain is only going to bring vengeance and more pain? When will pointless words such as these be understood to be meaningful? When will there be peace?
 DarkRybrin · Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 11:04pm · 5 Comments |
