I'm changing, changing for someone, for him. It's stressful, as I feel I'm losing myself in this foolish quest to get his attention. I may already have it, but I'm not sure, and I'm tired of being so unsure. I wish I could understand, understand myself and why I'm chasing him so vigorously when I know that he's already mine. I've always been the one chased, never the one who chases, and now I realize how difficult it can be.
And this ache in my chest isn't just when I converse with him, but I carry it all the time. The obsession of not allowing myself become a burden is literally crushing me, and it feels like it gains ten pounds every time a word leaves his mouth. I can't stand this anymore! I am driving myself to insanity, all over a boy...no...a man who I can never have, but I may already and I just don't know it yet. I hate myself for being so mindless in front of him, and for making stupid errors that when talking to anyone else I would never make! I obsess over the smallest, stupidest things. But I don't want to look like a fool, especially in front of him.
This weakness is tearing me apart. And despite how many times I tell myself not to get attached, when he speaks, all hopes of remaining at a distance are wiped free from my mind. I can't deny the rush that I feel, and the acceleration of my heart and the burst of adrenaline I get – it’s becoming a drug. I'm setting myself up for self-destruction.
And it's too late to turn back.
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